When you’re asked about your baby’s absent father
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
We’ve talked often about how to cope with an absent parent. Recently, when a new single mom asked for help managing the all too familiar questions about her child’s absent parent, we listened. We’ve muddled through – not always successfully – fielding similar questions. So, we’re looking to YOU for advice.Here’s the situation:
“My son’s father has chosen not to be a part of his life. He made this decision during my pregnancy – and he has never met my son,” she confided. “In fact, he’s unwilling to declare himself the biological father.”
Happily, this mom and her nearly one-year old son are surrounded by loving family and friends. And she much prefers focusing (positively) on their love and support – not on the absence of this man. She understands, however, that eventually her son will ask tough questions about his father, and she’ll do her best to respond age appropriately.
Please help:
Can you suggest a one-size fits all response to anyone who mentions her child’s father?
Or should this mom respond to nosy folks acquaintances differently than she might to a clueless stranger?
If so, what’s the best way to respond to these nosy acquaintances?
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Twitter @ ErinMC3134
I never got upset when people asked questions about the whereabouts of my daughter’s father. After I said, he chooses not to call or be involved, I’d jokingly say, who needs a father when you have double the love from the mother? I also have used the answer, I’ll find someone one day who will love my child just as much as I do. My daughter is 8 and I raised her alone (with love from my family) for 5 of those years. I am engaged to a man who indeed loves her more than he loves me. lol! Staying positive is important and making light of a situation you cannot CONTROL is key.
I tend toward the sarcastic side of the spectrum, and would probably choose to use this as a “teachable moment” as we say in the education field. If they truly are strangers, you can get away with more, like answering a question with a question. When someone asks you if you’ll be getting back together with your boyfriend for the baby’s sake, you might respond, “I had a lot of sex back then — I’m not sure who the father is.” OK, I probably wouldn’t go that far, but if you don’t make them stop and think about whether or not they should have asked, you will not be the last person they pester.
The polite response that may even embarrass them more would be to state the obvious: “I’m not comfortable answering that question.”
Twitter @ singlemombooks
One of my closest friends was raped and that event produced her amazing and adorable son. She answers those questions directly and without apology. When my daughter’s father wasn’t around, I would answer it that way, or use humor: “That’s a story that usually includes snacks and a bottle of wine.” The response: ‘that’s a long story’ also works. Or, when they ask “Does he have dad’s eyes?” the answer is a simple yes or no. Then, change the subject. If they insist on continuing their line of questioning, you can say it’s a sensitive subject you’d prefer not to discuss right now.
Also, “NO” is a complete sentence and no further explanation is required.
P.S. Anna – love your responses. They also would work.
Twitter @ michbrinson
Most of my friends know I’m a single mom and they know the reasons why. For those who do not me or my story and ask questions I don’t want to answer… sometimes my response is “you know, that’s a pretty personal question to ask someone you don’t know…” followed by silence. Can you hear the crickets chirping? It usually ends with them saying their sorry for asking. Not sure why people feel the need to know a person’s personal business. I truly don’t mind sharing the details with my friends… if they care about me and my son and want to take the time to invest in learning our story… that’s fine. But with complete strangers… it’s none of their business. Makes me think about those very same people who felt compelled to come up and pat my belly when I was pregnant. Sometimes people just don’t think… sometimes people are just rude… I try not to be that person… but I’m sure sometimes I am. I think a few times when I’ve been asked, I have responded with a very bizarre and stupid question, like “where do you live? or what’s your bank account number?” It confuses them… and then I say… well, if you want to know some personal details about me… it’s only fair I get to know some personal details about you. Then I smile. Most of these work like a charm.
My situation mirrors this mother’s with regards to the father. I will say this – take a deep breath and know it gets easier. As a new mom I think we are hypersensitive to the questions both because we are overwhelmed, but also because we are figuring out where our comfort level is with regards to talking about it. I found in those first couple of years that I was trying to determine where I wanted the boundaries to be and how I wanted to talk about it. It was a trial and error process and yes it is very frustrating when people ask dumb questions. I don’t think there is a one size fits all and often it is situational. I found the following helpful:
1) What we think are dumb and annoying questions are generally born out of ignorant innocence. — So a stranger asking if they have their dad’s eyes it is generally because that person doesn’t see the characteristic in you. I found answering with simple yes/non responses seem to do the trick and then change the subject or let the silence hang out there. Over the years I have found strangers are not worth the time and energy. When strangers have pushed I simply tell them it really is none of their business or that I think the question is inappropriate.
2) Aquaintances. This is never easy and an ongoing saga in life. I have found navigating kindergarten parents particularly interesting. I try when I can to pre-emptive strike and tell people straight away her father is not in our lives and has never seen her. When they have the typical shocked reaction, I generally go on to say – I know, his loss and end the topic there. My daughter also simply tells people we don’t have a dad in our family. If someone presses or draws a conclusion like the examples above then I become more firm and tend to say “I don’t think that’s really any of your business”. What I try to remember is that often my daughter is listening and I never want her to think we have something to hide or be ashamed of, but rather the question is just inappropriate and a reflection of the person asking it. I am sure I have ruffled many feathers and hurt some feelings along the way, but my opinion is my friends know our story in full. I don’t owe anyone an explanation or rationalization of our lives.
Finally to the extent you can I would suggest treating it like a fact rather than a conversation. No different than saying we live in a condo, not a house. Easier said than done sometimes, but well worth the effort I have found.
Twitter @ UnspokenMommy
I think questions like that never go away. From the perspective of a child raised without a father, it frustrated me that we weren’t allowed to talk about my dad. I’m now in my 20′s and still asking my mom questions about him. I’ve recently met him and found that we have very similar personalities (which explain why I always have the ‘odd-man out’ syndrome around my mom & her family and also fueled a ton more questions).
On the other hand, I am a full time bonus mom to a toddler, Ellie, who is being raised solely by her father while her mother is MIA. When we take her out with us, people often ask where she got her big blue eyes as neither her father nor I have them. Then one of us usually stumbles through a hurried explanation that she got them from her mom. And of course, the next question is, “Oh. You’re not her mom?” People don’t readily accept alternative family types involving step OR single parents, but I believe that’s just because they haven’t been around those dynamics enough.
I also think people are generally curious and usually have no ill intentions when asking personal questions. But, that doesn’t mean you have to answer them. Ellie’s dad and I have already decided that when she asks about her mom when she gets older, we’ll be very open and candid with what we know. It’s her right to feel comfortable about asking how she is or isn’t like her bio-mom (even when it makes me, the mom that is there, want to scream inside), or why she isn’t around. In regards to strangers, I feel that we need to understand that the concept of our families is hard for them to grasp. They haven’t experienced it and can’t imagine it. Maybe we should show them how well it works by candidly answering their questions.
But then again… There are just some things they ask that is none of their business. At that point, I believe it is PERFECTLY acceptable to ignore a snide remark posed as a question. Just remember to never snap back at their level with a snide comment. That way when the conversation is over, all they will remember is how sweet and balanced you seemed, so therefore whatever you’re doing must be working.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
“From the perspective of a child raised without a father, it frustrated me that we weren’t allowed to talk about my dad.” what prevented you from talking about him with one of the other 6 billion people in the world (other than your mother)? as a mom that is raising kids essentially on her own, i would find it insulting to have to discuss why my lying, thieving, 2-timing, abusive, cross-dressing ex wasn’t there at dinner. it wasn’t your mothers job to be mom and dad, it was her job to be mom. she did her job. if dad choose not to be involved, let him explain, justify, talk himself out of that.
it is not our job as people to explain or clarify the choices we have made or the situations we find ourselves in. a simple, “that isn’t something i’ll go into”, is the only comment needed. every child in the world is taught not to stare, or make personal comments, because its rude. this is no different. rude behavior does not demand a response.
@Cesily-thank-you for your honest (and positive) responses.
As a mom of a son who’s dad hasn’t been there since I was 5 months pregnant, I have dealt with the random questions from strangers and acquaintances. My little guy is only 9 months old, but I’ve fielded questions about “my husband” (having never been married, no ring, but a school ring on my other hand-this assumption always cracks me up inside) to all the other random questions. I try to answer honestly, but no matter how I feel about absentee-dad, I do not bash him. He has to live with his choices, not me, and I won’t be bitter over his poor choices.
I’ve also wondered about what to do when my son is old enough to ask questions. When my son is curious, my plan is to again answer as honestly as possible (also age appropriate). As I’ve told him, if it’s something he needs to answer (and my son is old enough), he can expect a call from my son and will be put on the spot to answer.
While this might not work for everyone, it how I’m tackling it.
I like Cesily’s response. Me as her, a child raised solely by her mother, I can say that the question never goes away. I still ask questions to my mother and people still ask me questions about my father and I am 35!!!!! As a mom when it comes to people asking me about her father I say “do you really want to know about that a***”?
Twitter @ chopperpapa
Unfortunately, I don’t see a one-size fits all answer. For those that know and still ask questions: that’s plain rudeness so respond by bringing up an entirely different topic. For the stranger, it’s obviously a polite questions: encourage a polite, honest, + response:
He has chosen not to be involved in the child’s life.
When it doubt I always encourage the truth.
I think these are all great – I like Anna’s responses. We have to use our judgement: if someone is deliberately being rude or intrusive, they need to be told, politely, that you don’t discuss your personal life. If someone has just put their foot in it, and feels embarrassed, I think it’s kind to shrug it off or make a joke. ‘Her dad’s not around’ is my answer, and I don’t elaborate. Usually people say, well that’s his loss, then I nod, then I change the subject. Keep it classy!
Hi Leah,
I appreciate you for creating this blog as the subject of this blog is sensitive and can’t be ignored. We come across similar situations in our life(not only related to parenting or pregnancy). And I think these painful questions should be answered to only those who people who care for us and who understands the pain felt in this kind of situation. There is no polite way of answering these questions to strangers – the only thing you can say is “I don’t answer any personal question to a stranger”.
its pretty obvious after having a conversation with me that its just my daughter & me, & most people don’t ask.
My son is 3 months old now and I’ve faced this question with multiple people. I had a gentleman last week say that my last name is my married name. I simply said that no, I’m not married and left it at that. I’ve also had people ask about his eye color, hair color, etc. Yes, he got some traits from his father. I answer truthfully and go into detail only when I feel comfortable. It’s a matter of how comfortable you are with exposing your personal life to people. My friends know the important details and my family knows everything. Other people outside of those circles don’t need to know as much. It’s no one else’s business what the story really is and a polite, forceful response will be given at that point.
Because I’m the adoptive parent of kids who are not the same race as I am, I’ve been asked this question — and all the variations on it – many times.
“Why did his real mother give him up”
“Are they American?/Where were they born?”
“Does he look like you husband”
and even “Does he know he’s adopted?”
The most important variable to my answer is whether my children are with me. Then, my answer is to them. If it involves personal information — then I decline to answer. Strangers, even friends, are not entitled to my child’s personal history information. Once given out, it cannot be taken back. Often I simply ask “why do you want to know?” and then the real question “are they adopted?” comes out.
I want my child to learn that he (or she) does not have to simply agree to answer any silly question that anyone asks them about themselves, that they are empowered to decide to answer.
My Son’s Dad is stationed in Korea. Before that he would be around to go to my pregnancy appointments. He has only met my son once, he hasn’t put his name on the birth certificate or anything, he does send money monthly. It is hardly enough. I am struggling and I believe his solution when I ask him for help is to just take the baby. I know if I do let him have the baby, he will never let me have him back. He would always threaten me that he would take the baby away, so I don’t trust him. This is what happens when you pick to be in the wrong kind of relationship. I got burned. I am a strong willed single mommy,and I plan to Get my BSN. I am doing it for my son, so we can have a better future, and I will never give up!
Thankfully my daughter looks just like me. so the questions from strangers arent too frequent but when they do come about its hard for me to not get frazzled or feel like i might throw up right then and there in the middle of wherever we may be. my daughter is 6 months old so when i get those questions from strangers if she looks like him or if shes a daddys girl i just simply say yes and go about my buisness because its easier for me. but i know i cant do this forever especially with her developing more and more. My planned response now is the truth because i never want her to feel ashamed or flustered when people ask about our type of family. We thankfully live in a time where single parenting isnt all that rare where as when i was younger having a single mom was something people always regreted asking me about because it was too awkward and weird. it isnt anyones buisness but unfortunately people will always ask. I agree to give a positive tone a smile and the truth. when people ask negatively or seem to talk down to you about it give a dry response change the subject or simply walk away.