Does Dad come into your home?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Single Moms, Tips & Advice
Does your ex come into your home when he’s picking up the kids?
Although neither of us has personal experience with this – we’ve raised our kids solo — we sure hear about this scenario from moms.
Let’s say that it’s your ex’s weekend with the kids. You’re scurrying around your home to pack their overnight bags — and perhaps pausing to put some lipstick on? Then, the doorbell rings. Your kids race to the door and open it.
Does your ex come inside? Perhaps he just stands awkwardly in the foyer and mumbles “hi” to you.
Or, does he walk confidently inside your home and make himself comfortable on your sofa?
No matter how Dad’s visit plays out, we understand how challenging this can be for you.
We totally get it that you’re worn out from the divorce/break-up drama. You’ve vowed to use your “business manners” when your ex arrives. It’s just so much better for the kids if you’re both civil. Perhaps, down the road, you envision a rekindling of your shattered friendship so you strive to be polite and kind.
No doubt, your kids have more than once enthusiastically insisted that there’s something Dad has to see in their room (the new pet hamster?). Maybe the kids need help in the bathroom before they leave. Either way, there he goes, headed straight down your hallway, and past your open bedroom door. If you still have lingering “feelings” for him, this proximity can be wrenching.
And what happens when he drops the kids back off? Does he join you for a family meal or movie night? Have the kids remembered something else they must show Dad prompting yet another trip to their bedroom?
We’re not giving dads a hard time for accepting their kids’ invitation into the house to see the new pet or science project. On the contrary, we know that some moms often ask their exes for some handyman help. Who wants to pay a plumber, when your ex can fit the toilet in 10 minutes?
Or, how about that broken lock on your bedroom door?
Do you ever invite your ex inside to give you a helping hand?
On the other hand, we’ve heard about fathers who never cross the “threshold.” Instead, these dads stay in the car, honk the horn, and wait.
We’d love to know:
Does your ex cross your threshold, or does he honk the horn?
Do the kids invite Dad into your home?
Does he ever stay to play with the kids? Or, maybe for dinner?
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Dads, hold on: We have a special post on a similar theme in the works for you this weekend!
Thanks to Ms. Single Mama for inspiring this post.
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“Once more into the breach, dear friends, once more”.
Of course I’m not a single mom. Never asked my ex to fix anything around the house, or cook anything either.
Back when she actually kept the children during her weekend, and I would pick them back up, I would usually just wait on the porch or just in the foyer/living room when I picked them up. Had no desire to be there anyway.
The ex did at first seem to feel that she could make herself somewhat at home whenever she came to my house. Possibly because it had been her home too at one point. The children also contibuted to this by taking her back to their rooms, or wherever they wanted. Didn’t take long to put an end to it though. Just sat down with the children and explained that this was no longer their mother’s home. She could come in, but unless there was prior approval she waited in the foyer. If it was a case where she would be here for more than a few minutes she could sit in the living room. If they were cooking when she arrived, then she could come in the kitchen to see. And of course she chould use the half bath if needed.
Within the next two visits everyone had started following these simple rules and things were much nicer from my position.
Now she only comes by about 4 times a year and seldom moves beyond the foyer.
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
When I was still living in the marital home after Ex moved out, he acted like he still owned the place (well, ok, he sort of did, but I was paying for it!) He came by unannounced and let himself in, frequently taking groceries out of the fridge/freezer with him when he left! One night he even came in during the middle of the night and took money out of my jeans pocket! I threatened to change the locks and he threatened to break in because it was still his house. My lawyer said that we were both right so I moved the boys and me into an apartment. The first few times he came here, he was very nosy and came in as far as I’d let him. It didn’t take long for me to get very tired of that. Now, when he picks them up, I make a point of all of us being outside waiting for him. When he drops the kids off, I’m outside waiting for them in the parking lot. We live in a gated community so I usually have a little bit of warning when he calls me from the gate. If he sneaks in the gate behind someone else and actually knocks on the door, the kids do usually grab him and want to show him something in their room but I try to discourage it.
Of course, now I’m on the flip side…he’s finally got his own place and I’m dying to get a look around. I doubt it will happen any time soon though and I plan to show him the same respect that I want from him. If I have to go to his place, I’ll wait outside the door unless I’m invited in.
Wondermom’s last blog post..Going postal today
I used to believe in allowing the father in. It seemed like an appropriate way to model cordial behavior and what I would expect from my son.
Then it turned ugly. As there is a history of physical and verbal assaults, it became a time for dad to lash out in those ways.
Without hesitation, we moved back to dad in the car honking. It is the better of the two not ideal options. If there is something I need to share with dad, I do it in phone call at another time, or via email.
First and foremost is shielding my son from seeing the abuse.
won’s last blog post..The Most Vulnerable Post to Date-Part Two
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
The father of my older three never comes in and just waits in the car. My youngest’s fathers visits have almost always been in my home, although sometimes at his place or a park.
We were not together during my preganancy so when she was an infant it made the most sense for him to come to us. Since then he has never taken her alone except once – and she is 3 1/2. He only sees her about every 8 weeks and I’m actually more comfortable being present than not. It is uncomfortable though.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Since their dad has never met the conditions required for visitation, in the beginning, I acted as chaperone so the girls could see their dad, but it always ended in disaster. And yes, I asked for his help on occasion, but, as it was when we were married, he never came through. We’d end up fighting or, better yet, he started hanging out with my neighbors and I got a phone call from someone he owed money to that basically threatened the girls. I had to move and he hasn’t known our home address since.
April’s last blog post..Co-dependent? Or just in a crappy relationship?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thanks so much for your open, honest comments! It’s so interesting to hear how everyone has found his/her own way with this.
April and Won: Thanks for pointing out that visitation rights are often tied to legal constraints.
M: Thanks for cracking us up! “Never asked my ex to fix anything around the house, or cook anything either.”
I used to allow my ex into my house. He’d regularly come in, have a cuppa and a chat. That was until I had to start confronting him about issues, for example non payment of maintenance or his girlfriend saying things and over stepping the mark. He used to sit there in my house, on my sofa, drinking my coffee thinking he could lord it over me in such situations. Until I threw him out that was. Now he only comes to my house to return child after his days. I open the door, say hello to my child, don’t even look at him, and then walk away from the door letting child say her own goodbye to him. I will not allow him into my house ever again. Even when he is stood at the door I make sure that all the internal doors are closed so he can’t see in as I know full well he is trying to have a look around. I absolutely dread those few minutes every Sunday morning as I feel uncomfortable and under pressure to make sure my front entrance and hallway are crystal clean. How ridiculous is that! It’s my house after all not his!
Yummy Mammy’s last blog post..I Laughed For Days (or should that be Van Day)
Sorry forgot to say something else. He still lives in “our” house, and yes my name is still on the house as he hasn’t coughed up to buy out my share, but anyway, his girlfriend lives there with him. When I left that house I literally only took my clothes and make-up, bits and bobs, thats it. I left behind everything else (that I had paid for). That was 5 years ago now and just after the girlfriend moved in I had to go over there as child wasn’t well and was crying for me and he wouldn’t bring her home. All was well and I was given a warm welcome by the girlfriend into “my” house. I was then given a cup of tea, in a cup I’d paid for, a biscuit off a plate I’d paid for. I sat in the sitting room on a sofa I’d paid for, looking at artwork and bits that I’d paid for. I then took child back up to her room and caught sight of his bedroom. He still had the same bed and even the same bedding in it. I laughed to myself when I left as that house was still exactly as it was the day I moved out.
So much for it now being Daddy and “her” house lol
Yummy Mammy’s last blog post..I Laughed For Days (or should that be Van Day)
Usually when I pick up our daughter, I am not invited in. I wait on the porch until the door opens and my Ex’s girlfriend hands my child to me. Sometimes I don’t even see him.
When he comes to pick her up, I can hear his diesel truck roll up a mile away, so I usually have our daugther ready to go by the time he walks up to my door. There’s only been once or twice that he’s actually been in my house.
Hanna’s last blog post..Knocked Up: My Story
Ok, I get to really throw something in the mix here, and I’m curious to see what you all think about it. First, I still own the house and pay the mortgage. I didn’t want to upset my kids lives anymore than possible, so I wanted them to be able to remain in their home they have grown up in. I have my own home about 15 mins away.
Twice a week I get to see my kids, as well as every other weekend. During the week, since I have to get up so early for work and commute a long distance, I go to their house in the evening and spend time with them, eat dinner, play, shower and put them to bed, and wait until the ex gets home from either working, or spending free time doing whatever.
I respect her space and don’t treat it as my own anymore, but I do feel comfortable to move about the home as needed. I have fixed things for her in the past and don’t mind doing it. On the weekends, the kids are at my house. Seems to work well thus far. I’m curious to see how the dynamic will change once she remarries in October. They will be staying in that house…
Twitter @ http://badmummynocookie.com
I don’t mind if my ex comes in (I usually encourage it), but I hate it when he makes himself comfortable. He’ll throw his coat on a chair; I’ll hang it on the doorknob b/c I don’t want the smell of smoke permeating the chair. He knows that my bedroom is a no-go zone, even if The Mook wants to show him something there, or play on the bed.
I feel comfortable enough in his apt, but I avoid it. His place is pretty dingy and just depresses me. The Mook’s room doesn’t have a working light switch (for 6 months now) and her lamp needs pliers to be turned on. Occasionally I need to go thru the clothes in her drawers and closet and take the too small stuff, or else she’ll show up at school wearing floods and a top that doesn’t cover her belly.
He was here just the other day, dropping her off and I pressed him into service to help me move a heavy sideboard, but I’d never ask him to fix anything. Hell, I’m better at it after all!
Bad Mummy’s last blog post..Spring?
The ex only sees his son every other holiday break. We’ve been meeting halfway, as he lives 4 states away (I’m usually on my way to my parents). When he still lived in the area, he would come over, knock, and come in and use the bathroom every damn time — ewww. Why should I have to clean up after that anymore? Thank God I no longer have to deal with that.
Hello. I’m a long time lurker and decided to comment today.
I’ve been divorced about 5 years now. My ex and I have three daughters together. I remember this being a terribly uncomfortable process the first few years. I would NEVER enter his home when I was over to get the girls and I made sure that we were all ready to go and waiting by the door when he came to pick them up from mine. I felt like allowing him across the threshold of my door was a little like giving up part of my freedom to him. I know he was curious as to what sort of life I was living, and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing. I really just felt threatened by his mere presence and wanted the exchanges with the kids to go as fast and painless as possible. Sometimes we’d even meet in the driveway.
Since then we have both gotten over all the bitterness and anger of those first few years. We’ve talked. We’ve said our apologies and agreed to work together as much as possible for the kids. Now the drop offs and pickups are a breeze. I invite him in he invites me in. We’ve had dinner together with the kids, even with his girlfriend or my boyfriend at the time. I invited his girlfriend to breakfast once, when he had to work. I encourage the kids to show their dad anything they want to show them, and have helped them find misplaced toys at their dad’s that they wanted to bring to my house. He has another child that I invite over to play and have even kept overnight to give the girls a chance to spend extra time with him.
I’m proud of how far we’ve come. The girls are so at ease and even though we don’t see eye to eye on everything, it sets the tone for cooperation in our family. When we had to have discussions with our teenager, we had it together at my dining room table. When we have birthday parties, we invite each other and our families and have them together. I’m even looking forward to a day when we might all be able to vacation together; him and his significant other (if he has one) and me and mine (if I have one) with the kids. We could take turns going out and all get to spend time with the kids. How great would that be?!
My kids love their dad and even though he does things that drive me nuts, we’re both adults, and we’ve learned to communicate and compromise and work things out as best we can. We both love our children, and we know that how we act towards each other directly influences our girls.
We’re no longer a threat to each other, and I guess that’s made all the difference.
Welcome Steph! And thank you for your generous and informative comment. I wonder how many of us had to get over feeling that their ex was a threat?
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
Well, I already spoke about Ex at my house but I got a new perspective on this today. He has a new place (with his girlfriend and her child but I’m not supposed to know about that) It’s pouring down rain here so this morning I asked him if I could just bring the boys to him instead of him coming here and me having to move two carseats in the rain. When I asked him what apartment number, he gave me the building number and told me to call him from the parking lot. When we got there, Squirt (4 years old – all about numbers right now) asked his dad 3 times what apartment number he lives in and Dad refused to tell him until I was gone. He also took the boys under an awning and waited until I drove away before going upstairs to take them inside. The thing is, I already told him that I know his girlfriend and her kid are living there and I don’t have a problem with it…after today’s visit, there will be no question about that fact…so why even play this stupid game? As I was driving away, I did look back and see which apartment they were entering so I’m tempted to just go knock on the door when I pick them up this afternoon instead of calling him to bring them down to me. I wouldn’t walk into his place uninvited, but give me a break…to not even tell me the address? What a clown! (OK, that’s really not the name I’m thinking of right now…you got that right?)
Wondermom’s last blog post..Clearing my head again
I,m reading the other comments and I,m amazed that some people has it so easy with their ex.
I,m working as an expat away from home for 3 months at a time. There is one thing that I can handle in my marriage. My wife,s ex will arrive at my house uninvited to surprise his kids and will stay for more than a week in my house while I,m not there. My wife don,t have the guts to tell him it is unacceptable and wrong.He takes over the whole household and she can do nothing about it out of fear for him. He was very abusive in their relationship and she is still afraid of him. He does,nt come near our house when I,m there. I can no longer tolerate this and already arrange a hitman to take him out.I,m over the edge and can not take this any more. So by the way the last time he paid maintenance was over a year ago.
Never. He will never step over the threshold of our former family home again. He waits in the car. I very much doubt he wants to come in, anyway.
The kids are old enough to walk out to the waiting car on their own and walk back in again, too.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Sonia: thanks for pointing out that once your kids are old enough, perhaps it changes the expectations re: inviting him inside your home….
Not only does he come in but his girlfriend seems unable to leave him alone in my presence. She stand awkwardly behind the couch while he makes himself comfortable on the couch, even though they are around for no more than 2-3 min. It’s even more awkward when I pick up/drop off the kids at his home since technically, it’s still half my home, yet girlfriend moved into it slightly after I moved out. So I guess it goes both ways.