How do I tell my kid that I’m dating?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
You might have heard at Single Mom Seeking that I’ve met a new guy.
We haven’t even reached the two-month mark yet — so I’m really glad that I’ve kept my romantic life separate from my parenting life.
But if all continues to go well — and it’s going really well! — I do eventually want my third grader to know about this relationship. And I do imagine introducing my child to him someday…
Of course, I turned to Dr. Leah — our very own Sanity Fairy ™ — for some advice.
And here’s what Dr. Leah has to say:
We’ve all heard unhappy tales about parents who keep their dating life entirely hidden from their kids. (After all, that ’s easy to do with a bit of creativity and a smattering of subterfuge.)
One mom never uttered a peep to her kids about her dating life. But, after the relationship got serious, this mom dropped the “I’ve got a boyfriend” bombshell on the kids: “We’ve been dating for six months. And, tonight you’ll meet him…”
Of course, her kids were shocked and wound up resentful, confused, and angry. This is not exactly the ideal back drop for a budding romance.
We can count on Rachel not to make that same mistake.
Rachel is discovering that keeping your dating/sex life hush-hush is far easier when your kids are under age five. (Ah, those were surely the simpler times for me!) Little kids ask far fewer questions and are content with the simplest of explanations.
You all know the familiar adage: little kids = little problems, big kids = big problems.
The Sanity Fairy ™ has some definite opinions about this topic, of course, but we’re interested in your take.
So, here’s the dilemma: how should Rachel broach the subject of having a new boyfriend with a savvy, sensitive tween?
Or, should she wait and “make sure” before she even considers involving her inquisitive tween?
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I probably really have no idea what I am talking about as I have yet to have any real experience with this. But I don’t think the “dating” is what messes with the kids head. Mom has adult friends. Some are women, some are men – and she goes out with them. (Actually the lesson that mom can be friends with men seems pretty good). Although I think it is prudent to get a couple of dates in to see if this is someone you would even want to know in any fashion.
I think the problem is “playing family”. I think outings that would leave my daughter with the impression that this guy might be the man who is going to come into that empty space that was left with the other partner walked out is dangerous (for me too). I’ve seen people keep the dating secret for a couple of months and then as soon as the kid is introduced to the guy, the attitude is like “add water and instant family”. That seems damaging to everyone including the budding couple.
Now I am rattling. Sorry. Because Mae is a tween, I think Rachel could tell her that she’s met a guy that she really likes to spend time with.
THe whole waiting to “make sure” thing is scary. First off, you can “be sure” and it can still turn to shit. Secondly, I wonder if that could send the idea to a young gal that the magic man just appears and there is no getting to know of several men to find the ones you fit with.
Having said that – I don’t believe in bringing men in and out of my daughter’s life. But, if she were a tween, I think I would tell her that I’m seeing someone and we’ll see where it goes – ALL THE WHILE modeling healthy, sane behavior of how a woman can be (like not picking out the china patterns too soon, staying in bed crying because he didn’t call, etc… you know all the things that I’ve been guilty of!)
Good Luck Rachel! And I know you’ll handle this well.
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Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
I guess to me, this doesn’t seem like a huge deal because I have a ton of male friends. My kids hear about them… some of them come around for dinner and adore my kids. My girls are used to seeing mommy with friends. And they have little friends who are boys too. So… if I were me, I’d introduce him as a friend.
Sounds like a simple thing but really, I think we project WAY too much on to our kids. And they really don’t see life like that at all.
T’s last blog post..Personal Porn Star
T is right. Don’t make an issue out of it and they won’t either. No matter how savvy the kids are, they are still kids and are very self-centered. If it doesn’t directly change their lives, it won’t bother them. They are all much less interested in adults private lives than we sometimes realize. There is nothing bad or wrong happening, so quit worrying.
I think although 9-12 is considered tween, saying that someone who turned 9 today is a full-fledged tween is going overboard. Mae straddles the fence, I’m sure, so my opinion is to couple little girl/big girl information. I don’t see a problem telling her you made a new friend who makes you laugh/thinks you’re pretty/is polite/funny/smart/handsome. If she asks if he’s your boyfriend you can say, no, but that you think that in a while, if this continues, you might like him to be. This gives her the sense of being brought in on your private thoughts – without giving her any real and inappropriate details. You can start to tell her nice things about him – and in my opinion you will know when it is right to introduce them. Is two months enough time to introduce a man to a 9-year-old? Not to me – but everyone, every kid, and every relationship is different.
Amy Sue Nathan’s last blog post..Missing Chicago brothers found dead in central Illinois
Normally I would say at least wait until you’ve know him a full 3 months before you introduce a man to your child…but right now I’m thinking you can simply introduce him as a friend. As some of the others commented -it’s okay to have friends. You don’t have to involve Mae in the “Oh I think this is really going somewhere” stuff. Just tell Mae he’s a friend you enjoy his company, and because she (Mae) is your number one, you wanted them to meet. No more no less. If she starts asking questions you can’t answer tell the truth and say, “I don’t know only time will tell.” Good luck.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I’m with introducing him as a friend. Right now that’s all Mae needs to know. Her questions will lead you as to when she wants more information and I like Amy Nathan’s response to that; “you might like him to be” more than a friend. If Mae’s anything like my daughter at that age, she might pick up on your feelings for him when you are together in her presence, which is fine, but avoid lables for now so she doesn’t get too far ahead of where you and your guy are.
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Amy: That’s a whole different slant …”playing family”. I’m giving your comment some serious thought – thank you!
T and Phil: I agree! Kids aren’t as interested in what we do as we sometimes worry that they are …hope that makes sense.
Amy Sue and Adrienne: Friends -definitely something to stress with your kids.
MindyMom: Avoiding labels…another excellent thought! Thanks.
Dr. Leah’s last blog post..How do I tell my kid that I’m dating?
You’ve gotten some really great advice and I know you’ll make the right choice. I like what Amy said about introducing a date vs. playing house. Good luck!
I’ve got a 4 year old…and a boyfriend of 7 months. She has met him a few times very casually (she’s never woken up with him here) and they get along great! Him and I are careful not to PDA in front of her even still she KNOWS there is something special about this “friend” of Mommy’s. I have actually allowed him to be involved in the decisions about how to ease us into her life because I have two people’s feelings to consider. I don’t know if its the right answer but when it feels right we know it will be right.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I think this is an excellent opportunity for Rachel to model to her tween how to handle new men in her life. I think she can tell her that she’s dating someone, but she doesn’t know how serious it is. Rachel doesn’t have to involve her tween in her decisions or her dating life, but by being open about having a dating life, her tween can learn about the dating ritual.
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April: Gee, May-be I’m a bit conservative – but isn’t 9 years old a bit early to learn the “dating ritual”?
Hmmm . . .Wish others would weigh in on this perspective. Perhaps, others agree with April that the early tweens is the time to start talking about a dating life with your kids.
Dr. Leah’s last blog post..How do I tell my kid that I’m dating?
I have to comment on Amy Sue’s comment. I LOVE that about saying that if things continue you might let him be… besides all of the things you said it teaches her, it also teaches her a sense of control over who she might date someday. “If I let him be” is a fantastic concept for a young girl.
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Rule #1: It’s not a DD position to tell a mom how to live her life.
Rule #2 Do what is right for you or place precious time into angsting
over what you already know.
Rule #3 Your dating as an adult has nothing to do with Mae’s dating life. Mae cannot have any idea how you are feeling about him.
I’m with Amy Sue and really like her comment.
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I agree with Amy’s comment above about not playing family — for both the child’s and your sake! I also agree with many of the others that you can simply introduce him as your friend. That’s what I did for the first few months and then when it became serious and I knew where it was headed I told my children (7 and 9) that we were boyfriend and girlfriend. (That elicited a big “ewwww” from my 7-year old son, btw.) Finally, as a mom of a 9 year old daughter I personally don’t consider her a tween or ready for the specifics of dating. Our kids stay innocent and young for so little time, and while she’s showing more interest in boys/”crushes” I see no reason to rush her along!
Good luck, Rachel – you’ll do great.
Guns and I both agree with no introducing as a boyfriend, no discussing mommy’s dating, and no “family time” having recently married with two eight year old’s and a ten year old between us. Introduce him as a friend and very casually (ex: like if he stops by to pick you up to go out-5 min.) Do not do outings yet together. Especially two months in! Your child does not need to develop a relationship with this guy-you do however! Two months is nothing. Two months is lust and fun. You aren’t even really friends yet! You should wait much, much longer. You two have a lot of relationship building to do on your own before Mae should come into the picture at any level.
We dated for three years before marriage. Almost 1.5 years before doing anything with our children together. So when I did introduce my daughter to him and his two to me we could honestly say this person is a really good friend of mine. Wait and take care of yourself. Which means keeping that relationship with the new guy for yourself for a while.
9 is not at all and approp. age to talk about dating rituals, esp. yours with your child! Boundaries are important. Nine year olds need them and they need to still be kids-not worrying about boys, dating or their mother’s heart/romantic life. Do you want your nine year child modeling dating rituals with boys at school? I should hope not because they are like sponges and act out what is happening at home at school all the time! if you don’t want your nine year old dating then don’t talk about it.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
I simply wanted to thank all of your for your right-on advice. This is very helpful!!
Yes, Bonnie, kids are sponges, aren’t they?
I agree with all of you that telling her that I’ve “made a new friend…” is the right way to start.
Thanks!!
Rachel, tricky timing huh?
Fortunately, Lyn is already close to 18 when I first met my fiance and the early conversations about this man would revolve around “generic ways of how a man and a woman may like each other more than a friend”. She, being street wise obviously knew where this was heading. From past experience, I was only comfortable in introducing my daughter after dating for a few months and that also after checking responses here and there. So far, after 2 years of divorce and a short list of dating scenes, I have only introduced her to two boyfriends.
I agree with bonnie’s view on introducing your man casually. Younger kids have different level of understanding on these kind of stuff.
Good luck anyways!
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I would not wait too long, because then they dont always understand why it is moving so quick… what if you wait 3 months and then yall are together all the time… the kids might think this is the *norm* without really realizing that you have actually been together, getting to know each other, the last few weeks, but with no involvement from them….
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