Leaving your kids alone at home?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
“My 12-year-old daughter is lobbying to stay home alone for longer than the occasional 15 minutes or so. I feel fine about leaving her alone when I need to run a quick errand. But if I’m gone for longer, she balks about coming along.”
A single mom recently sent us this e-mail. She wants to know: How do you decide when your kids are old enough to stay home alone?
She adds: “I’m fortunate to have a flexible work schedule most days, so I’m not dealing with after-school care challenges, or hearing ‘I’m too sick to go to school’ dilemma that so many single moms face.”
“Still, I’m wondering: Is there a definite age when it’s okay? Or do parents have to decide on a ‘kid for kid’ basis?”
Luckily, Dr. Leah aka the Sanity Fairy was able to help. Here’s what Dr. Leah says:
A good rule of thumb is this: kids below the fourth grade are not ready to stay home alone. In fact, many states have legal age restrictions for children left at home alone. While age 12 seems to be the age that many parents feel comfortable taking this step, you need to consider many factors in order to feel confident about making this important parenting decision. Your kid’s age is not the sole criterion.
Here are some important questions to answer as you consider this:
How does your kid feel about being left alone? Is your kid afraid to be left alone, or does she have the maturity and initiative to assume this responsibility?
Is your kid fairly obedient? For example, if you make rules about not turning on the stove or the computer, is your kid likely to obey or will he have to test the limits?
Can your kid occupy himself in your absence with safe, quiet activities like watching television or, better yet, by reading or working on independent projects?
Does your kid enjoy the quiet respite that comes with being alone, or does he find it scary and intimidating?
Also, having more than one child — as many single parent families do — can make a difference. Older kids might make responsible care givers for other kids, but sometimes they don’t make good “built-in” babysitters for their siblings.
Parents are legally responsible to provide adequate supervision. (Thanks to @Solomother for this reminder!) Under some circumstances a parent can be charged with neglect for leaving kids unattended. Know what constitutes child neglect in your state. If you’re in the midst of a custody dispute, talk about this parenting decision with your attorney.
I’m still grappling with this latest parenting dilemma. So, we’d love to hear from you:
Are you comfortable leaving your kids at home unsupervised?
How old were your kids when that decision felt right to you?
Do you have advice for parents considering leaving their kids home alone?
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Twitter @ spingleparenttvl
Single dad of three here. I divorced when they were in 3rd, 1st, and pre-K respectively and at that age, by necessity at times, I would leave them alone while I ran to the 711 for milk. Maybe 15 mins tops. Always saw how they did, asked questions.
By the time they were in 5th, 3rd, and K, I was good to leave them alone while I went grocery shopping (maybe an hour)
Once they hit middle school here (6th grade), I had no problems leaving anyone home and running errands,shuttling a sibling to a playdate, etc.
Now they are in 12th, 10th, and 7th, and I really have no qualms at all. My youngest is the most level headed of the bunch and just last November, I left my son (who had just turned 17, alone for the entire weekend while the girls and I went on a trip.
I play in a trivia league and just this past year, I have been going every time (not just the times I don;t have my kids) so I can feel comfortable going out for fun without them.
It is different for each family. I have a friend whose kid has ADD and she can never be left alone for 10 minutes and she is in 5th grade.
Maturity and acceptance (as Dr. Leah said) is key.
At least in this single dad’s humble opinion.
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
My 13 year old rides the bus home and is home alone until I get home- which tends to be about an hour later. He is responsible enough to be trusted. He calls me as soon as he gets inside. He also starts on his homework, probably with the tv on, but his grades are good, so I can’t complain.
He is not allowed to have anyone over while I am not home. He is also not allowed to go outside. He knows not to answer the door, turn the oven on, use the stove, etc.
I also will leave him home if he is off of school and I have work. The legal age in my county is 11, but I wouldn’t leave him home until he was 12 and even then it was only a little bit at a time. Once the summer came, he was too old for summer camp and not old enough to work as a camp counselor. I am a totally single parent- absolutely no involvement from his father, so I decided to let him try out staying home most days. When I could line up activities for him to do with his friends & their parents or my parents I would so that he would not be home daily. He knew that if he messed up and did something that he shouldn’t, he would have to start getting up early and coming with me to work (which is so boring to him) all day. He followed all of my rules. He also usually slept till 11 AM, which took up about half of the time I was gone at work.
One thing that gives me peace of mind is that I have a house alarm. He knows the code to set it or turn it off, but doesn’t know the password, which is needed whenever the alarm goes off. If the alarm goes off the company calls my cell phone, which luckily has not happened. We also have a police sub-station across the highway from our neighborhood.
I think it is a personal decision. If your child can not be trusted they are not mature to stay home alone. Or if they are scared to be home alone, they should not be left alone. I do not let my son have friends over if I am not home 100% of the time. It is not fair to the other parents. Plus I am sure they would get into a lot more trouble by “egging” each other on than if they are alone.
Interesting that you would mention this. My oldest son is almost 15, but he was babysitting at the age of 12… At night at the age of 13. He’s always proved himself to be responsible. And with a cell phone, he’s within reach.
I don’t see the same thing happening with my youngest. He’s more of a free spirit and doesn’t think things through.. so he doesn’t have the liberty and freedom as my older son.
Just like John F, I started off leaving my daughter (now 13) at home for short periods of time that grew longer and longer. By the time she hit middle school, she was able to stay home on days there was no school by herself.
My daughter has anxiety issues so we did a lot of contingency planning for the longer periods of time. We talked about which neighbors to go to if there was an emergency and about how to handle various situations. This was really good practice last spring when I was taking a night class two nights a week. She was able to walk home, call me, heat up her dinner in the microwave, and do her entire school night routine without me there to remind her. Surprisingly (or maybe not) she was better about doing it when I wasn’t there than when I was.
I’m lucky because a friend of mine has a 10 year old that can’t be left alone for 10 minutes much less long enough to go to 7-11.
My daughter isn’t perfect, she did sneak out to go bike riding one time and got caught because she didn’t take her phone with her. One of the few times that I called on her dad and made him go check on her because he was a lot closer. He let her have it and it meant more to have him do it because he was so irritated at being inconvenienced. She lost her TV, computer, and cell phone privileges for three days. She hasn’t done it again, as far as I know.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Well, I guess I’m the odd duck out because I don’t think my girls are ready for this. It’s not that I don’t trust them, it’s not that they’re “bad” girls, but because I don’t trust other people!
I live in an LA suburb, and while it’s a pretty good suburb, I still can’t see my daughter walking home. She’s small for her age, and it would be too easy for something to happen. She does walk to the bus stop to take it to her after-school program, but she walks with friends, and she calls me when she’s on the bus so I know she’s safely on her way.
I was a latchkey kid, and I didn’t like it. I’d much rather have my soon to be 12-yr-old at the Club, where she’s taking acting and dance lessons, hanging out with her friends, and having a good time. It’s worth it to me.
She could handle being home alone if I wanted to take a trip to the grocery store, but I don’t want to leave her in charge of her younger sister, who will be 9 soon. They can still exhibit sibling rivalry behavior, and my younger daughter would hate her older sister being “in charge.” I wouldn’t mind making a quick trip to the convenience store for milk, but I still take the girls with me for a real grocery shopping trip.
To me, it’s not just about trusting my kids. It’s about providing a safe environment, as well as giving them opportunities to challenge themselves, and also have some fun.
This summer this has become an issue in our house. My neighbor recently moved to Seattle from Dallas. Her children are 9 and 11. The 11 year old boy is not mature or responsible enough to be watching his very mischievious and boisterous 9 year old sister. I have had to go so far as to ban the friendship since this girl is NEVER watched and has actually encouraged my daughter to lie and hide things from me. She’s always alone and free to go and do whatever…in a new city, in a new home unattended with cell phone in hand. She’s invited herself to sleep over at every friend’s house she can at the encouragement of her selfish mother. She’s a target for trouble and her mother is too wound up in her own wants to see what her children NEED. The boy is obese and obviously lonely. The little girl is boy crazy at 9 years old. They have been alone all day all summer with no participation in programs, sports or camps. Kids in single parent homes are generally more at risk for certain issues than kids in 2 parent homes and this family is a perfect storm of why kids get into trouble, use drugs, early sexual activity, etc etc.
I do leave my daugther alone for short trips to the store, to a neighbors etc. She’s 9 has a cell phone and we always make certain we know at least one neighbor in our apt building is home and I would never leave her at night for more than about 30 minutes.
It depends on the child, the parent and the maturity of each.
I want to turn in this mom to CPS, however she isn’t really doing anything illegal in the state of WA. She’s just self involved and doesn’t want to be a full time single parent. It’s unfortunate, but not illegal.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Wow, I’m loving these comments! I can see how quickly this will happen in my own parenting life: being able to leave your child at home alone to run off and get some milk.
Good for you, @John F, for getting to your trivia league every week.
@Chai Girl, thanks for the reminder about having a clear, written plan for your child about who to call/contact if needed when you’re out.
April- I don’t think your the “odd duck out”. I think your being a wise, careful, loving, involved mother who knows and understands where her kids are at in their lives and what is appropriate and safe for them in their current environment.
I wish my neighbor was like you, then maybe her child wouldn’t be a disaster waiting to happen.
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Good stuff here! Let me add another wrinkle to think about. Although I would hope everyone on this site doesn’t have ANY co-parenting problems with their Ex, from which the rules you describe would most certainly apply. However, if you are in a highly contested custody or divorce involving kids–don’t leave your kids under the age of 16, home alone for one minute. I have seen too many cases where judges and juries change custody rules for kids found home alone.
Times that under normal circumstances, nobody would question in a nuclear family.
Just a thought! For that reason, unfortuately, I don’t have the freedom to leave my kids home alone, not even for 15 minutes.
(Fred) FullCustodyDad
Amy Anderson: Welcome (again) to Singlemommyhood. Thank you for joining this discussion. It’s always valuable to see things from an alternative prospective. It’s scary to stand by and hope NOT to witness a kid calamity.
Twitter @ TheMooksMum
My brother and I were key latch kids from age 8 and 10. We would get home, walk the dog and keep out of trouble for the hour or so before our dad got home.
I began babysitting when I was 11 or 12, after completing a babysitter safety course. The kids in my care were 1, 4 and 7.
As for my kid…she’s not even 4 and I haven’t even given it any thought. It will all depend on her maturity level when we get to that point. But because she is an only child, I will likely feel more wary b/c there isn’t a sibling around.
Man, you guys are tough on your kids! I’m currently 12 yrs old- my mom started leaving me home alone when I was around 8. I was responsible enough to do it. I don’t see why parents are cautious about leaving kids my age and older home alone- I know in about a week my parents have to go to a test for my brother and i’ll be alone for around 2-3 hours- maybe more. No big deal. Long time, but no big deal. Really. 13 yr olds gernerally are trustworty. On the flip side though, I can’t see leaving a 3, 4, 5 yrd old home alone.