Grown up sleepovers when kids are home?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Sex, Single Dads, Single Moms, Tips & Advice
We all agree that dating is for grown ups.When Rachel at Single Mom Seeking recently told Dr. Leah about “sneaking” a man into her home for some late-night fun, Dr. Leah wanted to know:
Why are you using the word “sneak”?
Yes, dating with kids makes things much more complicated.
>But you are an adult. You do deserve to have some private, adult time. So, why do some of us keep keep calling it “sneaking”?
We’ve gone on the record to endorse certain steps that single parents can take to be sexy and sane:
1. Clutter is the enemy of great sex. If there’s kid clutter everywhere, there’s no room for privacy.
2. Privacy matters. Single parents should have simple locks on their bedroom doors. Some kids do sleep soundly, which can lead to a false sense of security that they will not wake up in the middle of the night.
3. Get creative. Do you have a kid-proof hiding places? You deserve to have grown-up toys — you just need to be creative about hiding them.
4. Everyone needs adult time after-hours. The rules get a bit murkier when we shift the topic to inviting someone to spend the night — when your kids are home. (Whether or not you tell your kids is another post altogether!)
Some of you have talked about having a man (or woman) spend the night when the kids are home. Others have said, “No way!” Where do you stand?
Although you might feel confident about your decision to invite a special someone over after-hours…. Have you caught yourself thinking of a grown up sleepover as “sneaking,” too?
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My kids are young, and perhaps I’m naive, but I don’t worry much about having my BF over for an overnight. The kids take it as a matter of course; nothing different than when a female friend occasionally stay over. I suppose if I’m still “dating” when they get a bit older, I’ll feel differently about it. I don’t want my children getting the idea that Mommy sleeps with whomever she goes to dinner with! lol
Then again, I would let my BF stay over if I didn’t think we were “serious” about one another.
That being said, how many times have I thought something was serious, only to have it fizzle? If that happens with this relationship, I will feel differently in the future- to protect my kids and to protect myself.
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I am fortunate in that I share custody of my kids. My rule is no sleepovers if I have my kids. If I ever become engaged, then it will change.
My kids are 17, 15, and 12 so having dad “shack up” sends a bad signal I feel. Not to mention giving a hormonally charged 17 year old boy a complex!
But I understand it is completely different when you are the one and only parent and I would love to hear about that.
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C: We agree! So much depends upon the age of your kids.
John F: Excellent question! How do parents who are the “only parent” handle (or not) grown-up sleepovers? If you’re “the only” parent, please join the conversation.
I’m almost an only parent. My ex is now becoming more involved since he moved back in state but it is still not steady.
I’m lucky because I belong to a social organization where I meet most of my potential dates/mates. We have weekend camping events and get togethers in the park every week. Often times my daughter knows the guys before we start dating and continues to see them after we stop dating. She sees other friends of ours who start dating, get married, and/or break up. She’s actually pretty smart about that kind of thing for a 13-year-old.
When she was about 8 or 9, I could tell she was having a little bit of conflict about me dating and having sleepovers. She liked the guy I was seeing but she said she didn’t like that when he came over to spend the night because I would close my door. She doesn’t like closed doors in general. We discussed private grown-up time and she seemed okay, but I started closing my door more often even when I wasn’t having a sleepover. I told her it was okay to knock when the door was closed but to wait for me to answer (and, yes, there is a lock on the door that gets locked). Now that she is 13, she appreciates the closed doors more because she wants the privacy to talk on the phone and stuff.
I would tell her ahead of time that So and so was going to come over for a sleepover. So, she knew to expect someone else in the house in the morning. Again, it helped that she knew the guys before we started dating so she didn’t meet them as my date. She saw them as my friends first.
I think it is important to be open and honest. She called me when she got her first kiss while walking home from school. She asks me for advice on what to do when she has two boys she likes, how to break up with them, what to do when a boy you don’t like likes you. I try to answer her honestly and give options then let her choose.
I’d like to think that she feels comfortable asking me those questions because she has sort of seen me doing the same thing. That is something that kids who have two parents don’t always see. She hears me and my friends talking about it so she knows it is on our minds as well.
Although, my heart did stop a couple of months ago when we were arguing about what “cleaning your room” meant. She stopped and turned and said “You know what you need, Mom? You need a man!” After a deep breath, I asked why (not sure I wanted to hear the answer). “Because then you would have someone else to pick on besides me! You could make him clean the bathroom instead of me!” Phew! Dodged that bullet for a little while longer!
chai_girl: Getting that closed door thing down with your kids ahead of time is so important. Thank you so much for reminding us all.
I’ve found that kids of single parents are typically far more open that kids raised with two parents about what’s REALLY going on in their lives. It’s such a blessing.
BTW, I’ve dodged many such bullets. I’m surprised at how long it’s possible to hold your breath.
I don’t consider it sneaking. My kids are a bit older. So if I have a guest that comes over close to “bar- thirty a.m.”, they are passed out sleep. By the time they wake up..all evidence of last night is gone. Of course, I don’t invite strangers over when they are home. It’s someone that knows me and the boys. That way if for some strange reason they wake up before 10am.. they aren’t surprised.
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In my opinion, sex is a natural (and good!) part of relationships. Sexuality is not a dirty or forbidden topic in my home. And it is certainly nothing to be ashamed of. I have no intention of being celibate, so my choices are to either keep my sexuality hidden from my son, or to be open and honest about it. Open and honest is the best approach for me and my family.
Yes, sex is a tricky and often confusing subject for children and teens (and, let’s be honest, adults too), so of course I’m concerned about setting a good example. But again, I believe that sex is a natural part of a relationship and so providing my son with a realistic version of how to handle the physical aspects of a relationship is important to me. I’d be afraid that keeping it hidden – sneaking my sleepovers – would give entirely the wrong impression: that sex is a shameful act; something to be buried amongst the other skeletons in our closets. Instead, I want to teach my son that it’s a good thing, but something that carries risks – emotionally and physically – and should be treated with the utmost respect and responsibility.
And, of course, in order for me to exemplify respect and responsibility, I have to act that way. This certainly wouldn’t work if I were bringing home a different guy every week. But I’m not, so we don’t have to worry about that.
It does mean that I must be prepared to endorse the same behavior in my son. (Eventually, of course. Not when he’s 8.) “Do as I say, not as I do” has never been a comfortable concept for me. If I am going to provide an example, I need to be ready for him to follow it.
My single (dating with sleepovers) mother ran into this issue when I was 18? 19? I was in college, but still living at home to save cash. I got up one morning to find her date eating breakfast in the kitchen. They’d been dating for only a couple of weeks. This was hardly the first sleepover I’d been witness to, but it was the most frustrating. My boyfriend at the time, whom I’d been dating for roughly a year, was always sent home at night because sleepovers – for me – were not allowed. It felt like a huge double standard, and I called my mom on it that afternoon after her date left. She wasn’t entirely happy about it, but she confessed to feeling the hypocracy of the situation even before I brought it up. Especially since – with the fact that I was having sex with my boyfriend being no secret – she knew that the only thing she was preventing was our *actual* sleeping together after our “sleeping” together.
We were both allowed to have sleepovers after that. I dated the same guy for the remainder of the time I lived with my mom. The rules might’ve been different if I’d been in a less committed relationship. I don’t know. I also don’t know how I’ll react if a similar situation arises with my son. But my plan is to treat it with as much objective mutual respect as my mother did. Wish me luck.
Martini Mom’s last blog post..Love. And marriage?
Martini Mom: What an incredibly honest and generous comment. It’s a stretch for young single moms to imagine their kids calling them out on a “double standard”. Your son is incredibly blessed to have you for a mom. Thanks again so much for joining our conversation.
Twitter @ MsV1959
Okay, maybe I’m old fashioned (me?), but I cannot imagine having a man sleep over.
My ex and I have been separated 2 years, and when HE wanted to sleep over, I told him no, because it would FREAK OUT my kids if they heard snoring in the middle of the night.
…which means, of course, if you are having someone sleep over, it should be out in the open just in case your kid needs you in the middle of the night, and doesn’t want a surprise.
In my opinion, I just really don’t think it’s good for the kids. I have two boys, I’m not that religious, and I’m certainly not a prude. But, having done play therapy with kids for 7 years, I’ve seen a lot of abuse on this topic.
Sometimes they don’t know who’s coming or going…
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As single parents I think most of us want to find someone to be in a relationship with. When we do find it, “sleeping over” is part of being in a relationship and we shouldn’t have to deny ourselves overnights just because we’re parents and SINGLE.
I’ve only had a man sleep over if I was in a relationship with him (two men in the 7 years I’ve been divoeced). I’ve had custody of my kids all but two weekends a month and well, I wanted sex WAY more often than two weekends a month! Plus, my kids knew the guy and interacted with him as well and were happy that I had a man in my life so him sleeping over was natural.
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No MAN sleeps over when my kids are home.
This is my personal rule. I am not comfortable with any guy I may be dating to sleepover while my kids are home. Even if we were engaged I wouldn’t allow it. Some of this is about protecting my kids, some of it has to do with I just don’t want to be sharing my bed with a man who is not my husband.
I am not in denial about what grown folks do. Nor do I sit in judgement of folks who have no problems having grown-up sleepovers. I am not doing it. And it doesn’t mean I don’t love him enough or I want to sneak. It means that my children and their sensibilities comes first and I am not interested in having them get used to seeing a man in the house who is not my husband.
lovebabz’s last blog post..FAITH FORWARD FRIDAY: KEEP ASKING
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Oh and I didn’t mean to imply there be no sex…LOL! And no I am not holding out until marriage to have sex again…LOL! What I am saying is No one sleeps over while my kids are home. However in between time we can swing fromm the chandelier! From the floors to the walls baby…just not when my kids are home
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For me I’ve been doing this gig for sometime now. I’ve done the no man sleeping over thing and quite frankly at some point I realized I just had to be open with my child.
She needed to see healthy relationships and what they look like.
I have no grand illusions that she will wait until marriage. Heck, she was about 5 when she asked me “So, if you and my dad weren’t married how did you get me then?” There is no hiding that. We were both teenaged parents. We weren’t married and we never did get married. We did have to learn how to co-parent.
Ove the years our daughter has seen a few different relationships some were great some were not but I believe we are both teaching her how to have healthy relationships.
Sleepovers aren’t an issue in our home because we are open and honest about them. I don’t have a parade of men lined up sleeping in my bed and for the most part when she was younger they didn’t happen when she was home. Now that she is older they do with serious relationships that are taking their course.
I watched my mother give up everything and become miserable and depressed for all of our growing years because she was a single mom. I can tell you my daughter is far happier than I ever was at her age and our home (even with sleepovers) is far healthier than my home was when I was her age.
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Ms. V: Professional experience can definitely alter your perspective. *Deep breath* I understand. Hard not to take it home, especially when what you see is so troubling.
MindyMom: It’s all about what you’re comfortable with and what works for you and your kids. Thanks for the reminder.
Lovebabz: Okay, I’m LOL about the chandeliers. And, of course, another excellent reminder that no one should make the rules in our lives but us. Thanks!
Kari: Thanks for sharing your unique perspective. Raised by a single mom and now a single mom. Your little girl sounds like a treasure (and insightful!). Feel proud about the peace and happiness you give your daughter. That’s no small accomplishment.
Err..yes.
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I recently had a friend sleep over on a night that my daughter was home. This man shares my bed on occasion, but as a friend, NOT a lover.
In the wee hours, I heard The Mook wake up and start padding towards my room, which gave me enough time to wake him up and send him to sleep on the sofa.
Now, I wouldn’t have the same worry/fear of her finding someone in my bed if it was a same-sex friend (I’m hetero). I would love to be able to explain to her that friends can sleep together w/o it being sexual.
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Hmmmm…. well, unfortunately for me, having a man sleep over isn’t even an option or consideration in my life right now – not because of my two year old son – but because I live with my MOM! Uggghhh! lol.
I’ll definitely have to think about this, as by the time I get my own place, my son will probably be old enough to understand everything… But I don’t think I’d allow a sleepover until the relationship was fully established and my son and partner had both gotten to know each other and spent a lot of time together…
I learned my lesson from the last guy. When my relationship with Robbie first started, Owen was still nursing (at 16 months)! Ummm, we all kinda shared a bed, at least for some of the night…. Owen got really used to seeing Robbie before he went to sleep and first thing when he woke up. There was no sneaking – but then again, because he was so young, there was no explanation needed either!
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Okay – Alicia brought up a question…what would you do if you had a long term boyfriend and your parents were staying with you for an extended time? Would you have your bf stay over when you know that it would be an issue for your dad? Even if the baby was young enough not to notice?
I decided to ask my daughter what she thought about me having sleepovers. She’s 13 now but I’ve been a single parent for 8 years and before that my ex was military and deployed most of the time.
She is used to seeing my friends visit and spend the night. I had a good friend who was a single soldier at the same post in Germany, so he’d come over with his buddies and hang out and barbecue. If they drank too much, they crashed. The social group I hang out with has national and international groups (the Society for Creative Anachronism) and we often offer “crash space” when people come to town for an event and we crash at their place when we go to their town. Non-sexual adult sleepovers are just part of her life.
So, that said, I asked her how she felt when I had a guy spend the night. She said “I think it is great that you have a social life and a good sex life without a boyfriend.”(Whoooaa!) I asked her why she thought the weren’t my boyfriends and she said it was because I always introduced them as “just a friend”. I explained the reason was because when she was little (5/6ish) She looked at every “boyfriend” as a potential new father and I didn’t want her disappointed. I may have overemphasized the just a friend part. “Oh mom, I’m over that now. You can have boyfriends if you want.” We also talked about the fact that I’m not looking to get married again and then she started discussing her dream wedding with a long veil…
Thanks for sparking the conversation!
Apparently, in some states, having men sleep over can be used against single mothers should there ever be some kind of custody issue. Court appointed therapists have become more inclined to include sexual behavior of single mothers in their reports because some children have been endangered by non-related men in the home, so they see it as poor judgement on the part of the mother. For a while, lawyers stayed away from issues surrounding sex and the single mom — when they could be blamed for simply mudslinging. But now, they have the “research” that says having non-related men around endangers children. It’s funny, however, that they don’t look at the research that shows a similar pattern with having related men around. The sad truth is – statistically speaking – having a man around – related or not – increases the risk of problems. But attorneys for fathers focus only on what helps their cases. They will in the same argument say its important to have a father figure — but just not the ones that aren’t related. They recognize the value of fathering to help their case, but privilege the biological over the non-biological man, not recognizing that the statistical likelihood of abuse is similar.
We want fathers or father-figures in the lives of our children regardless because the benefits tend to outweigh the risks. There are many great fathers out there — biological and not. But we have to consider how this information about abuse and men in the home is being used against single mothers. No one is using the same information to tell married women to be concerned about their husbands. But reporters, like Shuan Chaiyabhat of WREG in Memphis TN, who reports on the rising “trend” of single mothers’ boyfriends killing children, tell us that that the message to single mothers should be: “Who will you allow in your home?”
We all should consider the legal implications of an adult sleep over.
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I’m just now facing this issue really. Since I’ve been divorced I have had one serious relationship. It was over a summer and my children’s father was still active at the time, so we had alot of kid free time to explore our physical and non physical relationship. I made the decission to not involve my kids whatsoever until we had been serious for 3 months. They met.. hit it off.. and poof.. he dissapeared right as my kids got attached. Now I’m with a new great man, the kid’s dad isn’t very involved anymore, and being the school year, I’m in mommy mode about 28-29 days for every 30. I really want to be with the man I’m with after hours, but I don’t want to risk my kids getting broken hearts again. Its hard enough nursing my own. I feel like I’m being unfair to the man by asking him to “sneak” in when they are asleep, but I don’t know how to have a normal dating life unless its only once a month. Just as kids don’t come with manuals, neither days dating/parenting. My kids are 4 & 6.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Retro_Sassy: Good for you for keeping your parenting/dating lives separate for now. You know what’s best, and if all goes well with this new guy, he’ll meet your kids when it’s right.
I was recently divorced over the last 2 years and have dated tremendously, ensuring that my 9 year old daughter has not met any of my dates (considering that these relationships were not serious)
For the last 3 months I have been spending time with the most wonderful man I have ever known and have allowed him to meet my daughter.
Gradually I have gotten her used to the idea that mommy is serious about this special man and that it will not ever take away anything that I feel for her. She seems to have a vast understanding for what is happening.
I am however grappling with the idea of having him sleepover or us sleeping over at his house with his kids there. I don’t want to feel like I am setting a bad example for my girl but I take into consideration all the things that she has seen when I was married to her father. I want her to witness how loving and caring this man is to her mother so she will no longer have that innate fear that anyone will physically hurt me again.
I am not engaged and we are taking things very slow since this is the first serious relationship since divorce for both of us. If anyone has any ideas on how to anticipate and negate the effects of this situation… please let me know.
I have been looking at many different posts on this topic. And I am all that more unsure!
I have a 15 yo and twin 13 yo, all girls. I have been divorced for almost a year, from a man who was not their father. However, he was in their lives for almost ten years. When that relationship started, it was simple, they had no concept of what “staying the night” entailed. Of course, this is not the case anymore. I have dated many men since my divorce, but have just recently met someone that I am truly connected with. We have been dating almost 3 months, and I just recently introduced them all to one another. Of course, the whole “sleeping over while the kids are home” situation is on our mind, and neither of us know how to proceed.
While I find it interesting how many people have the, “raise your kids, then live your life” attitude… I just can’t imagine. I am living my life WHILE raising my kids, and hopefully by living my life they are learning from that. I want them to strive to be healthy, loving, interesting women. I dont want them to think that once you become a mother, the world is over. While this is a delicate balancing act, I feel that it sets them up for a better life and better relationships.
So… I am still at a loss. I do think that we plan on spending more “family” time, all together, prior to even entertaining the sleep over situation, but, I am unsure how long that should be. I guess I am hoping that the lightbulb goes off and it becomes obvious that this will be “ok” for everyone…
Good luck to all!!!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Welcome to Singlemommyhood @Heather!
Thank you for your genuine, honest comment. I think it’s time for us to give this topic another post. We just might use your comment to inspire us. Stay tuned. Thanks!
I would like some feed back because, I am not against my boyfriend sleeping over. We have been dating for over a year. the problem is I own my home and my boyfriend comes on the weekends to spend them with me. he lives more than an hour away from me. MY mother criticizes and say to other people that I am setting a bad example for my daughters. I got divorced about 3 yrs ago and this is the only other person i have been in a relationship with. My mother makes me feel ashamed and like i am a bad mother, she will also tell my kids how she feels about this and i feel that if my kids didn’t see it in a bad way, she influences so that they do.
i really think my mother wants more attention from me but with this attitude she drives me crazy because she comes on the weekends too. Should I feel ashamed… am I really doing something wrong? I don’t think so….
I pay all my bills it’s my house, I provide for my kids, I think I also deserve to have a special person in my life. It makes me mad that my mother does this because, I feel that if she doesn’t like the person I am with she will do all she can to make me feel bad.
No sleepovers. I can only speak from personal experience…I have never forgotten all the times my mother had a man sleepover. It made me uncomfortable, and ashamed of her. In my opinion, regardless of whether you are serious about your relationship or not, you are disrespecting your children, you are disrespecting your home, and you are disrespecting yourself when you bring someone to sleepover because it is VERY OBVIIOUS to your children that he is not there to sleep. And what kind of a man does that anyway?? All he wants is to get off, a piece of a**, but he’s not thinking about your kids and the influence this will have on them, so it’s up to you to think about them first.
Cindy — I’m curious as to why you felt ashamed when your mother had a man sleepover. Can you elaborate? And I don’t mean to sound confrontational –
I have children that I am with half-time and I am frankly on the fence on whether or not adult sleepovers are harmful or not to the children.
My parents never separated so I have no reference. My concerns are not so much moral as they are psychological.
Any light you or anyone else can shed on this appreciated!
thanks
@Canuck Thanks for joining the conversation. The “grown-up sleepover” question is vexing for many of us.