Booty call with a control freak?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Sex, Tips & Advice
We received an email recently from a single woman — who has never been married and has no kids – about a married guy she’s involved with from work.
“Here’s how it started,” she says. “I work with a guy who told me when we’d first met that his wife has cheated on him a few times. And she doesn’t love him anymore.”
She knows that we’re on the record against dating married men.
And that both of us know first hand the perils of dating a guy still attached to his ex.
She has also heard plenty of truth from you about what to expect when you date a separated guy.
So, we’re hoping you can help out this single woman. She’s got no experience dating a guy with kids.
And she needs a big dose of practical advice. Here’s what she told us:
He claims that his wife has filed for divorce and the papers are signed. (Hmmmm.) They have three kids together.
“The truth is, we’re not really dating,” she adds. “We’re having sex and I’ve started to fall hard for him. I don’t want to stop, even though it might be wrong. I can tell he cares for me because he likes to know where I am at all times. And he always puts his two cents in on everything in my life — even though I never ask for his opinion.”
Things seem fairly obvious to us. So, we’re worried about her. They;re always huddled in conversation at work — and co-workers have noticed. He always wants to know what she’s doing, and with whom.
“I normally don’t date guys with children,” she says. “I know this might just be transitional relationship? I don’t think he’s ready for a real relationship. ”
And here’s what she is asking you:
Should I keep things the way they are and give him some time? Or, should I stay completely away and definitely stop having sex with him?
Please offer some advice to our single sister — straight from your heart (and gut).
(Photos courtesy of Nigelmaine and Ario_i via Flickr)
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Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
Is he still living at home? How do you know the divorce is pending. See if a MAN is serious about you he does not play games. He does not put you in harm’s way. HE DOES NOT LIE TO YOU. Now this notion of “He cares” because he wants to know what you are doing all the time is not love IT IS CONTROL…THE BEGINNING OF ABUSE. It seems like boyfriend has a wife and a chick on the side…YOU! Girl don’t let good dick run your life. You need to remember who you are and what you value. Don’t let forbidden sex be so enticing that you throw caution to the wind. Your deal isn’t about what to do with his kids. You need to look at this man and his intentions with a level head. Girl get up out of the bed, put your clothes on and find someone who is NOT transitioning but is available emotionally…physically…consciously.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..LOVETALK RADIO OCTOBER 2009 SCHEDULE
Twitter @ http://www.threeunder4whatwasithinking.blogspot.com
If you have to ask the question then I think you already know the answer in your heart. If you have a feeling that something is wrong than it probably is. There is no rush in a relationship and even though you may like being together the right thing to do is to wait until you are 100% sure that the divorce is final AND that he is ready for another relationship.
Jolene´s last blog ..Getting sick
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
If the guy is married and having sex with you but not dating you, he’s just f*cking you. And not just between the sheets.
What Lovebabz & Jolene said too.
Mindy/Single Mom says´s last blog ..Proposed Solution to Reform Child Support Laws & Enforcement
Twitter @ Jennsplace
RUN, don’t walk away from this! Perfect example of dickmatized and the sex is causing poor decision making. One, putting your job and your reputation on the line for a likely still married man is a really bad idea. Two, caring about someone is not tracking them like a GPS. Control is not caring.
Even if he really is divorced/separated, I’m pretty sure you won’t have to worry about meeting the kids as this is just sex for him. If he does bring you around the kids already, is that the kind of dad you want to date? Good luck.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Get out, get out, get out – while you still have a job, and before you do something much more self destructive than sleeping with a married man!
This is about protecting yourself financially as well as emotionally. Whether or not he is leaving his wife, whether or not he’s stringing you along, whether or not the sex is phenomenal – this has disaster written all over it.
He’s holding all the cards; you’ve got none.
It’s so easy to fall into this sort of thing – especially if you’re younger (and he’s older). Been there, done that, and you end up losing not only your heart, but your job. Picking up those pieces is tough going.
Exit as gingerly as you can. Chalk it up to a great life experience, and take time to heal. Then look yourself in the mirror and see how much you have to offer – to a man who is free to be out with you openly, and not tie you up in knots or put your self-esteem or your job at risk.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Family photos reveal changing dynamics
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Uh huh. Yep. Agree with ALL of the ABOVE.
However, I also know that no matter what advice a person asks for or receives, it is up to her to decide her breaking point. This person obviously believes that she is not worth more that what this man is offering her. And she believes that control = love.
*sigh*
Been there, done that.
T´s last blog ..Relationship Phases
Twitter @ MsV1959
I hate it when women are stupid like this.
a) he is married
b) he is married
c) he is married
He will not leave his wife to be with you.
d) all of the above.
Ms.V´s last blog ..Official GPS timing
If you truly want to know how he feels, tell him that you want to step back and get to know him without the sex. See how long he sticks around. Tell him that you are taking a vow of celibacy for 6 months so you can get a better feel for how you feel. Taking that off the table might make things more clear for you…and him.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Thank you, women, for telling it straight. We knew we could count on you!
However, how true, @T: we all need to learn these lessons on our own, don’t we? Friends and family can spout advice out their ears, but sometimes we really do have just experience that heartache up close to learn. Ouch.
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
Getcher shoes on girlie and start running. Hes not leaving his wifey…if he reeeeeally didnt love her he wouldnt be living with her and if he loved you he wouldnt be putting the sash on you that reads “MISTRESS”
Hes fucking you…more than just in the way you like.
been there….rocked that..
http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com/2009/06/16/i-thought-the-universe-was-on-crack/
Jennifer: Well said . . .controlling is not caring. Dickmatized? Probably, that’s true. Thanks for adding to the conversation.
BigLittleWolf: We considered the potential for job loss, too. Companies are downsizing all over, as so many of you know from first hand experience. Giving an employer an excuse to let you go . . .scary.
T: Generous of you, as you always are, to say “Been there . . .done that”. So easy for this women to think that’s she so alone in a situation no one else has ever experienced.
Chai_girl: We thought the same thing. Stop having sex and see how long he stays around – ouch!
Ms. V: Thanks for emphasizing this guy’s marital status – a big factor here, for sure.
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
The only reason any of us is likely to give this advice is because we’ve experienced it at some time. Sad but true.
T´s last blog ..Relationship Phases
Um, DOI?!?
I truly feel sad for the poor girl. As women, we so often confuse love and sex. We also put blinders on and only allow ourselves to see what we want to see. We are all guilty of it.
Bottom line is he is married. Shame on him and shame on you. If he really cared, he would be cultivating a friendship, not a sex relationship. And honestly, until those divorce papers are finalized and he is on his own, where she is and what she’s doing is none of his damn business!
Only she can make the choices to determine how to go forward. But as each one of us who has lived through a toxic relationship knows, this has unhealthy, controlling, and potentially abusive written all over it.
That One Mom´s last blog ..Boycott Thursdays
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
“Might” be a transitional relationship? Even assuming that he’s actually telling the truth (I know a big assumption) and the papers have been signed is he still living with her? If she really cheated on him he’s going to be hurt and potentially angry.
There’s no might about it – this is 100% transitional and the guy probably does care about her, he cares about her body and when he’s going to have it again. She said it herself…they aren’t dating, they are just having sex. No amount of time is likely to change that.
If he is just now ending his marriage it’s very likely that he isn’t even himself right now. It took me over a year to figure out who I was and come out of the perpetual fog.
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
Like what was said in the blog already about married people. Just asking for trouble.
However to answer the question. Stop having sex and you’ll truly see what’s there and not there in the relationship.
Mike´s last blog ..What’s Happening Wednesday
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
I once wore the MISTRESS sash myself. Almost hung myself with it too. Lesson learned….I hope this woman gets out with her heart in one piece. When it comes right down to it, we only deserve what we accept.
This is what I once accepted….
http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com/2009/06/14/the-married-man/
singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..My ticket to hell
Twitter @ swatibharteey
This woman needs to get out of this relatioship, period. He’s married, and what she describes as ‘caring’ behavior (always wanting to know where she is) sounds a lot like controlling behavior. I’d be very careful. If it’s meant to be, what’s the harm in waiting until he’s out of the house and fully divorced? If he thinks the relationship is worth it, he’ll do it. Sweetie, please teach this man how you should be treated – and how all women should be treated; don’t settle for less.
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..For all parents…your kids and healthier eating habits
Walk away girl. You are the ONLY person in your life who can take a stand for what you TRULY deserve. You deserve the situation or love interest that you’ve always wanted – and just because he is there, and the sex is good does not mean you cannot get it elsewhere, or that by leaving him you will shut yourself off to any other eligible men. In fact, quite the contrary. You should walk away, deliberately, and then DELIBERATELY revisit that check list of qualities you always wanted in your soulmate, life-partner, husband, boyfriend, whatever. Because we ALL make that list – either mentally or in reality… and yet, somehow along the way we tend to get lost. If you take a courageous step now, you will benefit greatly from it! You can do it!
Ms. Cheevious´s last blog ..Okay Okay – Have a Slice of Big Apple Pie
MsCheevious: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. Well said . . .and very encouraging to this faltering single woman with a huge decision to make for herslef. Thanks for adding so much to the conversation.
It is NEVER a good idea to sleep with a married man. ESPECIALLY one in which there are innocent kids involved. EVERYONE loses here – there are no winners here.
I would run away from this guy and never, ever sleep with a married man ever again.
That would be my 2 cents.
Also, I am just wondering, “Don’t you feel that you deserve much better?” Personally I would have told him to go jump in a lake. I know that I deserve a nice, sensitive SINGLE guy that treats me with love and respect. And you know what? If he never comes along, I will be happy with my child(ren), my friends, my hobbies, etc. Remember that you get treated the way you allow people to treat you.