Does co-parenting mean a trip to Disney World with my ex?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Single Dads, Tips & Advice
If you’re divorced and co-parenting, you know just how much work it takes to move on and cooperate. So, when we received this email from a single dad about this issue, we knew we could count on you for some advice.
Here’s the dilemma:
His son’s four-year-old birthday party is coming up and they’re having their first “family party” since the divorce. He and his ex-wife are planning the party (the theme is Transformers, of course!) All the in-laws will be there, along with a group of preschoolers (all boys!).
This dad is proud of the fact that he and his ex can behave “like civilized adults” and throw a party for their son.
So, what’s the problem?
Well, the day after the party — which is actually his son’s real birthday — this dad wants to take his son to Disney World.
“When I told my ex that was my plan, her reaction wasn’t anger or disappointment. It was a somewhat shocking request: she asked if she could come, too.”
“Here’s why this caught me off guard: we haven’t really spent time together even in the presence of our son for more than a few hours here and there: meeting at the park, or once in a blue moon, like a mutual friend’s birthday party.
This represents a quantum leap. We haven’t been to Disney World with him since he was a tiny baby. I’m not sure how to handle her request.”
In the meantime, this dad said he’d “think about it.”
“I want to be a good co-parent and a decent ex-husband. But I wonder what message this sends to my son. He already asks me daily why other friends have a mommy and a daddy in the same house — or why he doesn’t have a baby brother or sister.”
So, what should he do?
He wants to know: “Does it send the wrong message to my son to go to Disney World with her? Does it send the wrong message to NOT go with her?”
Clearly, he is torn: “I want to be a good parent but I also don’t want to make what is essentially the most crucial part in his early development in learning how to live life under two households, even MORE confusing than it surely already is.”
As you can see, this dad would love to hear your advice on this one. We bet that you have some, yes?
Thank you!
~~~
Transformer photo courtesy of Happiness in a Bite
Disney World photo courtest of Wallyspam
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I think it’s great that they had the party together. I think Disney together would be too much. Mostly because I think it would send the wrong message to the child. Also any anxiety that you go through will be sensed by the child.
That’s the clean explaination. If I was in his shoes no freaking way.
Mike´s last blog ..Runaround
My ex and I are still working on making handoffs civil so there’s no way I’d even consider it!
In his situation, I think a Disney vacation is a little bit too much too soon. My boys are 5 and 3 and I know it would be confusing to them and set up false hopes and unrealistic expectations.
Maybe at some point down the road it will be ok, but it doesn’t sound like this is the right time.
The fact that he says he hasn’t spent much time with the Ex since they split is a big red flag. Before I would even consider a trip like this, I would need to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that there’s no chance for any kind of conflict or tension at all.
Last year, I invited my ex to go out to eat with us on Squirt’s birthday. I thought we could both be adults for his sake and it would have meant a lot to him to have us both there. Well, Ex was bent out of shape about some other stuff and wound up throwing a temper tantrum and ruining the entire evening for everyone. I had to take him home before we even got to the restaurant and both boys cried for the rest of the night. A year later, they both still remember that horrible birthday. Imagine what even a little bit of tension like that would do to a Disney vacation?
I think at this point, it is important for everyone to establish some boundaries and accept the way things are.
wondermom´s last blog ..My head’s about to explode!!!
Twitter @ MominApt10b
My question is, why does Mom want to go along? It’s her baby’s 4th birthday I’m sure she wants to be part of the celebration and the memories of it. DISNEY WORLD does that, you know? I think Dad is just thinking too much about it, and should go with the flow of Mom’s request.. With some CLEAR boundaries. AND.. this can be a teachable moment for their 4 yr old. Divorce doesn’t mean.. death or disharmony! If the kid was older, then.. I’d be of the mind set of Dad asking Mom to let the guys have some one on one time on this trip.
There are a couple of factors here…first, would it be confusing for the son, absolutely. The other thing is why is she asking to go…you didn’t say if she was in another relationship but is it possible she wants to try to get back together and sees this as an opening? If that is the case, you need to decide what message you are sending her as well.
My vote would be no. This is your opportunity to show your son that the two of you can be a family and do family things together. It can be a great bonding time.
Kids will ask about why their family is different. You can take that opportunity to point out other friends that have a “different” family structure. Or, find a single parent playgroup so he can make friends with other kids in different families if you don’t know of any.
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I’m assuming this is a day trip and not an out of town all out vacation. If it were the latter I would say no way should the ex-wife come along.
I think the father should make his outing with his son whatever he wants. It seems he’s already uncomfortable with the idea of the ex-wife tagging along so he should go with that feeling. It’s perfectly fine for divorced parents to have their own special time with their kids. If mom really wants to go she can plan her own day to do so.
Mindy/Single Mom says´s last blog ..Single Mom’s Open Letter to President Obama
I had to think about this one a bit before responding. My gut says no. Too confusing and awkward for all parties. Maybe Dad could do a hand-off to Mom at lunch? I don’t know. I find it kind of weird that she asked.
well, having experienced this scenerio from the viewpoint of the new girlfriend, i think it is not a good idea at all. yes, i understand the desire to do things as parents of a wonderful child. but, they are not married and family trips definitely send the wrong message to the child. and to others. they are not a “happy family” even though they love their child. it is confusing and plays into the idea that their parents are going to be together again.
children always want reunion of their parents, despite all other considerations. i’ve even known of adult children who still want their parents to get back together, even if they have remarried.
from the point of view of a new lover, it is hurtful, confusing and just plain causes upset feelings that are hard to let go of, even months down the road.
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I’m not in that position or any where near it. But, I have a friend that is friends with her ex and they are even living together and dating other people.
I think it depends on your comfort level. If there are still mixed feelings it might be a lot harder to not send mixed messages to your child or your ex. If you think you can have a good time, no reason why you can’t be friend and enjoy your son’s experience at Disney World. If I could do it I would. If you think you can handle it without harm to you, her or your child, go for it!
Samantha´s last blog ..Fabulous Friday
Twitter @ newsingledad
So much depends on the 3 of you, and how you get along. In my opinion, it’s not going to be overly confusing for a 4yo, unless there’s been a considerable amount of discomfort between the parents in the past, they tend to just see 2 parents, together, separate, whatever. Besides, it’s Disney World, so the attention is going to be elsewhere, unless you bring it on yourselves.
If you can hold it together, in what can be a fairly high stress environment, (I wanted to take him on this, or can’t we go do that first, or I paid for the tickets, you pay for the t-shirt) I think it would be good for him to have the comfort of both parents in a the sensory overload that is Disney. No matter how attentive, caring, or compassionate we are, kids find their comfort where they find it, and as often as not, it’s with the “other” parent.
If there’s any doubt that the two of you will have a relatively carefree day at the park, it’s a disservice to the little one, and it really is all about him. This is one of those things that make you sit down and have a conversation about it, and (hopefully) talk about the trip as co-single-parents, and not as angry ex’s. These situations are just coming up for us, and they can be fairly refreshing when they work out. I have a mantra, although I frequently fail at remembering it, it’s not about me, it’s not about her, it’s about the kid(s). If you can both keep in mind why you’re going, and that no matter what scores there are to settle, (old or at the moment), and keep the mantra going through your head, it could serve as the bridge to a better relationship all the way around.
With all that said, I probably wouldn’t be able to pull it off.
Scott´s last blog ..Dating and Blogs
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
I’m extremely new into a separation, so this post leaves me with more questions than answers.
Why does it send the wrong message to the child? It seems to me, it would show the right message of “child-first.” Only if both parents can pull it off with that in mind. Obviously with boundaries – she would have to pay her way, and have a seperate room if a hotel was involved.
I know there are circumstances that make it difficult, sometimes impossible, as we cannot control our (ex)partners behavior to be no-drama co-partners. But if the parents felt confident about their abilities…?
I just wonder – who says what’s “normal” in divorce/separation?
I am not in the position really to be offering advice at this point but I enjoy hearing others opinions.
StudentMama´s last blog ..Taking responsibility for self
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Samantha: That’s a great point re: what is the comfort level between these two parents. Kids pick up any any tension/anxiety for sure!
@Ruth: We really appreciate hearing from a girlfriend who’s on, well, the “other side.” If either one of these parents has a new boyfriend/girlfriend, this could be really challenging for that new person. Thank you.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Jackie’s Magic: Good question. It was the Dad who sent us this email — so we’d be very curious to hear the mom’s feelings, too.
Single moms: have you ever wanted to join your ex-husband on a special trip/vacation with your child? What motivated you?
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Party yes, Disney World no! Unless of course he is and is able to re-marry her? Otherwise definitely no, not on any circumstances.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..The Power of an Apology
I agree that it totally depends on the relationship the parents currently have. I could/would NOT take the ex on a trip like this, but there are some out there who could. I think that’s great! However, the fact that he (the dad) is clearly uncomfortable with the request says it all. If he’s uncomfortable, then it’s not a good idea. If one of them is uncomfortable, the kiddo is going to pick up on that. My sister and her now ex saw a couples therapist once and were discussing whether or not he had a drinking problem. The therapist put it like this. “Whether you think you have a drinking problem or not isn’t even the point. The point is that you’re drinking is a problem for your wife, therefore it is a problem. Period.” Same thing goes here. If its a problem/uncomfortable for dad, then I say no-go at this stage.
CJ´s last blog ..She’s Baaaaack
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I’m with JackiesMagic. Most likely it’s the idea of not being with her son on his first memorable trip to Disney World. She was of the impression that they were celebrating his birthday together. They’re planning the party together so that neither one misses out. So I think she’s thinking the same thing with Disney World. She doesn’t want to miss that experience, too.
If the parents get along enough to co-parent for a bday party, I don’t see the big concern here. All they need to say is that they both want to celebrate with him.
April´s last blog ..Weekend Wrap-Up: finding emotional balance
So interesting that this topic came up. My ex and I have been divorced for 3 years and we have always promised our children that when the youngest was 5 we would take them to Disneyland (they are 10, 8 and 5). An opportunity came up that my ex-father in law invited my ex, the boys and myself to Florida to go to Disneyworld and pay most of the cost. My ex was open to the idea of me going and we set boundaries of no significant others allowed on the trip, at the time neither of us had one. My ex-fil stated the reason he wanted me to come was so he could see me and also doesn’t think my ex could handle the 3 boys on his own on the flight and at DW. The arrangements have been set up and the tickets already bought and I am getting nervous the closer it gets. I am trying to be the bigger person and focus on the kids. For us, this trip to Disneyworld is a once in a lifetime thing, and neither of us wanted to miss out experiencing it with our kids. I am hoping we can make this work and allow it to be a great experience for everyone.
My ex and I divorced when our daughter was very young so when the time for her first Disneyland trip came-we agreed to go together. We set some clear boundaries and talked to our daughter about the trip beforehand and thankfully it went very well. I think if everyone is clear on the expectations and boundaries of the trip it can be a great experience for everyone involved.
noringsattached´s last blog ..How do you do it?
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
My ex and I both wanted to be present for our son’s first trip to Disneyland. We’ve always celebrated his birthday together, we all go trick-or-treating together, etc. So when talk of a Disneyland trip together came up, it wasn’t a leap and we were both perfectly comfortable with the idea. The plan was to meet up there; we weren’t necessarily going to travel together and we would’ve had separate hotel rooms. (In the end, my ex couldn’t get the time off work so he wasn’t able to go with us.)But this would’ve been no big deal for us, and not confusing to our son. He’s used to both parents being present for special occasions.
I think it REALLY depends on the families involved. In this case, it sounds like Dad is uncomfortable with it… so probably not the best idea.
Martini Mom´s last blog ..I’ve written a post about a tshirt. Again.
Wow, this is an amazing experience to behold all of your excellent advice and opinions, based on your experience and wisdom and thought into the matter. I thank each and every one of you for lending me your ear and your proverbial 2 cents. My ex wife re-iterated her request this past weekend and I still deflected the answer; she currently is not dating or in a relationship and I can’t help but wonder if she’d make the same request while she was seeing someone. Regardless, I am leaning now towards simply allowing her to take him herself. Her reasons as she stated them were that she did not want to miss seeing him at all on his actual birthday…which I can understand, however I don’t want to sacrifice my right to see him on his actual birthday either. The truth of the matter is, I don’t feel comfortable going, and I do find her request odd; in addition (a relatively recent development) I have begun to enter into a dating relationship with someone who has already seen first-hand the excellent rapport and dialogue of friendship and cooperation with my ex. But in fairness to her, I don’t want to push the boundaries and risk a new fragile relationship with the new woman either.
I am trusting my gut that perhaps a trip to Disney (despite being free on his actual birthday) is not worth the added complication, drama or suspense. Many of you mentioned that he may pick up on any anxiety felt by either parent and that is absolutely accurate, he is incredibly keen and very sensitive. We (my ex and I) see each other together with him twice a week to supervise his swim lessons, he can see the spirit of friendship we maintain to support him and his continued development as a happy, healthy child of two households. I must consider my own experience of how that day may go as well and consider taking him myself at a later date and allowing myself to enjoy it freely.
Thank you all for the advice and thoughts. This blog has truly been a treasure of support and information for me for the last year.
Jeff: We’re so delighted that Singlemommyhood has been such a source of support for you. Please know that you are an especially valued and important member of our community. Please visit us often. And, of course, Happy Birthday to your little guy!
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I’d like to say something to Jeff. Before I got to the final comments, I was going to say – do whatever might be the easiest and most relaxed scenario for your little boy. Four is still so young, and I would think it would be confusing if after a family party you then traveled all together on his actual birthday.
I also can understand the mom’s feelings. It is an odd request except for one thing – I know how painful it is wanting to be with your child on his ACTUAL birthday, regardless of the date of the party. Perhaps the thought of not being with him on that day is just very hard for her.
I guess I would’ve thrown the following on the table – some way for the two of you to spend the day with him together (not Disneyland) – and one of you take him there on an alternate day.
But here you are, Jeff, astounding me. First of all, I am so impressed to see the quality of thoughtfulness you’ve put into this entire decision – trying to take into account everyone’s feelings. I say impressed because so many parents – men and women both – don’t do that. It’s not intentional, but it happens all the time. And you’re truly thinking about what is best for your little one.
I can’t help but be reminded of Solomon, and of the parent who backs off for the best of the child. That is a gift of such love. All too rare, whatever your marital status.
What a lucky kid to have you. Both of you, I suspect.
I cannot even begin to fathom a trip together with my ex. He was able to say in close confined spaces in front of my child that he thinks its best that he doesn’t see them at all. I just recently started looking up single parent blogs and this is one of the best ones. Kudos
I will through a huge wrench in this for you. I am planning a vacation to Disney with my kids (3 and 7) and my ex’s sister’s family (her hubby, their 4, 5 and soon to be new born). My parent’s have a timeshare and they are going as well to relax and help with the kids. This is all WITHOUT the ex. The sisters will probably never talk again after what my ex did and how she has acted. But, the sister is probably the closest friend I have and has been/was a rock for me during the divorce.
The sister was the last blood relative that my ex had in her life now the only people she has in her life are friends that she has made in the last 2 years or so. Ironically enough, she says that she began “falling out of love” with me starting about 2 years ago when these people started coming into her life.
This will probably start world war III won’t it.
Greentree: Welcome to Singlemommyhood. This is a difficult and painful situation. We hope it works out in the best possible way. Do keep us posted.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemomsaves.com
Ah, the Disney World dilemma…I’ve longed for an agreement with my ex that we would celebrate big events for my son together, such as birthday parties and his first time at Disney Land/World (similar to nostringsattached’s situation). So I was livid when I found out that my ex had already taken our son to Disneyland…and didn’t even tell me until a year later when I just happened to bring up the idea of going together! Clearly, my ex is not big on communication, and because of it, we never spend time together with our child, even though I’d like to.
My advice? Say yes if you already have a good relationship and have discussed going to Disney World together in the past (although I guess you already took him there together when your son was a child). Otherwise, I’d say no…going to Disney World together for a whole day is a big deal for a divorced couple, and it takes baby steps (like to birthday party) to build up to a trip like that!
Hi,
I enjoyed reading these and now I have another scenario for you. I am a single struggling mom, since 2002, who met a great man and have been dating just shy of a year. Never been on vacation with my kids. My ex and his wife have been married for several years and live in another state. They are well off with 2 homes and travel a lot. He does not travel here to see his kids though. He sees them on court ordered vacation times and that’s it..as much as he knows he is welcome and so is his wife anytime. So, my boyfriend offered to take us to Disney…I think my children asking every couple of weeks when and if we were ever going to go was a great motivator. I still have yet to tell my children we planned to take them in March.
I made an agreement years ago with my ex that if we ever go to Disney we would do it together (his idea). I felt that I should follow through with my word. So, long story short I invited he and his wife this past summer to join us in March…the answer was no and of course he doesn’t remember the agreement. So, they decided to send a Christmas present to my girls…tickets to Disney in Febuary, a month earlier. I acted excited but I felt that I was stabbed in the back. They knew how important it was for me to be a part of their first time…for whatever reason and I am sure there are many, it is SO important to me. To top it off, that is my vacation week with them not his..and he never talked about it with me to see if we had plans. They also don’t know my boyfriends financial situation…he is blessed and thankful for it. I expressed my feelings and followed with…my boyfriend and I are going down a day earlier with the girls and he could meet us for dinner the night they get off the plane or meet up after and the kids can go with them.(note: he has never met the new man in their lives) They said no and cancelled their whole trip….at least that is what they said. My kids don’t know it yet. I feel like that was such a low move on their part and obviously it was important for him to share their first time with them…as much as he doesn’t want to admit it. I have stood my ground and have a lot of support from my family and friends. I am done with him walking all over me in his manipulative ways. Now I have to tell my children. Should I set this boundary with them and have fun with my kids and stay a few extra days. HELP! They would still have their time they planned minus a couple of hours.