When your partner is unfaithful
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Relationships
We have plenty to say about Tiger Woods’ current, well, state of affairs, but we’ll leave that up to the gossip rags.
We do, however, think that the Tiger Woods’ actions bring up some issues that resonate deeply with many us: What happens when someone is unfaithful in a relationship?
The future of that relationship is a personal choice between that couple — but how does the unfaithful person’s actions affect everyone around him/her?
Perhaps this hits close to home for you. Have you been in a relationship in which one person cheated on the other? Certainly, we all know someone — in our own families or circle of friends — who has been there.
Respected psychiatrist and television personality, Dr. Dale Archer, brought this to light recently on his Facebook page when he asked: “Do you have less respect for Tiger Woods now?”
“I admire Tiger Woods tremendously,” says Dr. Archer. “Great golfer, good looking and that wholesome, good guy image. Generous, humble and easy going….”
So, now what? Certainly, many of his fans — and the public — have lost respect for him. But what about his family? His friends? His neighbors?
We’d love to know:
Has a partner’s repeated infidelities been part of your personal experience?
How did you cope?
And did others lose respect for your unfaithful partner or did they simply turn a blind eye?
Photo from Wire Images
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I lose respect for people who cheat. So much so, that I would not date a person who has cheated before, and I could not remain friends with someone eho cheats on his or her spouse.
My ex cheated on me for two years. He is now married to the skank (formerly my close friend- I made her Godmother to my children). I am still shocked than many of our old mutual friends are still friends with them.
I know people feel like they should be tolerant and “mind their own business,” but I feel like if no one has any standards, if no one will ever stand up and judge and say “that is not okay,” then it means that people behave worse and worse, feeling that they can get away with it.
My experience has taught me that people are selfish and the only thing that stands between most people and whatever they want, regardless of who they might hurt to get it, is consequences. If there are no consequences, if no one will make a stand and judge you… well, then people will single-mindedly seek their own selfish interests with no regard for anyone else.
What I’m getting at is that I think it society’s *responsibility” to make sure there are at least *social* consequences for being and cheating SOB.
C´s last blog ..Vroom-Vroom-Vroom
Twitter @ daddydew
I don’t have any less respect for Tiger. Personally, I feel very bad for him. Not that I ever watch Oprah, but Chris Rock made a great comment the other day. He said “When you cheat on your spouse you cheat on your kids as well.” Tiger has to fix a lot in his family life now…probably years of work if they can work it out.
Daddy Dew´s last blog ..10 Basic Seo Tips
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
I did admire Tiger, I did have that feeling that not only was he under control in Golf, but that it spilled over into his personal life.
The first affair, that I was dragged through I ignored. She promised that it wouldn’t happen again, and since it destroyed a friendship she had with her best friend, she looked committed. I went slightly-numb. Did everything I could to show her love.
Then it wasn’t too much longer that it started repeating. My coping mechanism kicked in, and I tried to just pretend it didn’t happen. She made more promises, and I promised to still love her.
Eight years later and with the increase of physical abuse towards me (She must of really been hating herself) And then with the acknowledgment of many one-after-another affairs in short period of time which a culminated into the most intense smackdown in my entire life. I left.
Others, lost respect in me. I didn’t tell all the torrid and painful details and she presented me as the one who abandoned. Friends disappeared like I had the plague. And emails wouldn’t be answered, phone calls where ignored. She convinced the kids that I was a terrible father for not “dealing with it” she told me that love, is accepting this and the pain that went with it. And that I needed to keep the family together… talk about intense guilt trips.
Kids have since learned some of the truth.
But, I needed my hero’s the ones I could look up too to witness that there really is happiness. Tiger was one of those people. I saw the control he had, and every so often, he would do the work to change something about his swing to improve. To become better
Why? Why didn’t he that with his wife? Which only told me, he had one true love. And it wasn’t his wife.
Travis´s last blog ..Surely I’m Willing, But I Won’t
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
Anyone notice something about that picture of Tiger and Elin? It was bugging me and then what it was just came to me.
Look closely…
Does it remind you of something? Maybe this? http://allabouthim.com/
Just saying.
Travis´s last blog ..Surely I’m Willing, But I Won’t
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I have to agree with C on this, probably because my experience was similar to hers – my (married)”best friend” went after my husband and they are now married to each other. It took splitting up two marriages and shattering the lives of 5 kids for them to be together but apparently that wasn’t bad enough – to keep the attention off of them and what they did they started making accusations against me to try to *justify* it – if you can imagine that (she actually tried to play the VICTIM!). But to some, their lies did justify it and they haven’t stopped their efforts to disparage me now 8 years later. Proabably because they continue to get away with it.
When I discovered the affair and they were “outed” I was surprised at how many people did turn a blind eye. We did have many mutual friends and aquantances and in this situation I felt those people DID have to pick a side because it was such a HUGE breach of morals, ethics and any common decency. Dispicable is the word I heard many people use but when I saw those same friends being cordial to her, inviting her to functions, etc. I wrote those people off for good. Had they judged and condemned her for what she did instead of enabling that sick relationship would those two still be together today? I dont think so. I think the scarlet A and some stoning would have been a more appropriate response.
As for my ex husband; he is not blameless. Because of my experience I have some insight about successful married men and the women who have affaris with them. You can read more here:
http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com/2009/12/being-unfaithful.html
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
I have absolutely no respect for anyone who cheats- regardless of the circumstances !! If things are bad enough to cheat – get divorced, break up, do something- just don’t take the p***y way out of getting caught to make your partner make the decision for you.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra Money for Christmas
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Daddy Dew: Thank you very sharing that very poignant Chris Rock quote. How sadly true… “When you cheat on your spouse you cheat on your kids as well.”
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..Sex and the single parent?
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
Ahhh…something so close to home. My ex had four affairs in five and a half years. I stayed for one year after the last one but he kept flirting with girls at his work and he ended up in trouble for sexual harrassment. I never turned a blind eye to his affairs (each came in two’s) – they were confronted, I confronted the other women as well.
I required a great deal of support, and counseling after each one. After this last two, however, I had enough counseling that I realized – I didn’t need this! I am capable of taking care of myself, and I know I don’t need someone who is unwilling to be faithful.
I grew very strong during the process of isolation that occurs after an affair. I had to understand WHY someone would be unfaithful to uncover the reason I was attracting the relationship. I had to look at the deep, dark corners of my childhood to figure out what contributions I made. But I feel ready to move beyond the darkness and loneliness that comes on after a betrayal. It isn’t without scars, my daughter changed immediately when the affair was brought to the surface, and we are constantly dealing with her behavior now.
I think the Tiger Woods situation bothers me, not because I’m disspointed, but because it absolutely does not surprise me. It has highlighted my own beliefs that all men cheat, and men continue to be excused for their poor behavior in these situations. I am quite aware that it is not an acceptable belief to take into a relationship, but certainly one of those attitudes that has existed in me and is now coming to the surface.
StudentMama´s last blog ..Part 4: The End.
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
@StudentMamma,
“It has highlighted my own beliefs that all men cheat..”
How many men do you know that’s done this? I’m actually kind of offended by this statement and that you lumped me in without even knowing me. My Ex cheated on me 6 times in the past 8 years… (8 if you want to go back 15 years)? Why you ask… because I’m supposed to create unity, and I worked diligently to make sure I had a normal “appearing” family home.
I have gone 100% above and beyond. I spent all day preparing for a Valentines that turned out to be the worst day, as she felt guilty that night for all the things I set up and did for her, to find out that my co-worker got to be with her.
She took my $200 hand-picked bouquet of roses and ruined it as a mothers-day gift… not a single red one. The place wouldn’t take them back as it was custom made. I told them to give it to the next person that showed any sign of love for his wife.
Do you cheat? Should I judge all women, by your actions. I would imagine that you would be insulted that I insinuated that you were the same as my Ex.
Your story, rings really close to home…. So I would imagine that you wouldn’t want me to see you the same way as I saw her.
And you know what happened from all of this? She got away with it and 31% of all my money… and was EXCUSED of it. And jumped into the arms of another man full-time the day I left.
She did terrible things. And I don’t appreciate it when people put me in that kind of group.
Everything above, was just what I say in public. This goes terribly deep. If you are interested in finding out what, email me.
So again… not all men cheat, there are good ones. We exist.
Travis´s last blog ..A Very Special Breakup Song
Travis: You’ve suffered some pretty tough blows. We’re hoping it helps you to share those experiences with our Singlemommyhood community. You’re very welcome here. Rachel and I think that @studentmama was not making a blanket statement about ALL men . . . just sharing a painful belief forged by the serial infidelity of her ex. We’re pulling for @studentmama to find love and happiness with a faithful guy!
Thanks to both C and Single Mom Says for sharing stunningly painful personal experiences. Rachel and I have told by many people how horribly upsetting it is to see “friends” socialize with a partner who has betrayed them.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
@Travis: I apologize for the confusion. My point was that I had this deep belief in me that all men cheat because of witnessing many of the men in my life…including men in my family. Therefore, the situation with Tiger Woods sort of brought that feeling to the surface, which is something I know that I need to work on. It’s not a belief that I wish to have, it was just one that existed in me.
That being said, I am well aware that everyone is capable of holding true to their wedding vows and being faithful. I just realized that, after my experiences, I had a thought pattern that was allowing these situations to manifest in my life (i.e. I was choosing men who had boundary issues, I was acting in ways that enabled them, etc). I have had to look inside me and understand what I did to contribute?
I can completely understand where you are coming from, because many of the same things happened to me. I was cheated on also, and as you can see from my story – it has been a difficult period of healing. Through these betrayals, we grow stronger and the injustices in the process (i.e. in my situation, I was hurt physically from his actions), are difficult to get past.
Your story is heartbreaking, and I can relate to the difficulties that come about when dealing with any betrayal. I was true to my wedding vows and still find it unfair that I am going through the downfall of my marriage. Again, I apologize if it seems like I am labeling all men cheaters – I’m not. Through self-awareness, I realized that it is a feeling that exists in me that I intend to change. = )
StudentMama´s last blog .."You are a selfish, heartless person"
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
@Dr. Leah – Thank you for clarifying my words also.
StudentMama´s last blog .."You are a selfish, heartless person"
Twitter @ http://www.threeunder4whatwasithinking.blogspot.com
I don’t believe that all men cheat. ALSO I don’t believe that ONLY men cheat, and I know this because I have cheated. I do however believe that men and women cheat for two completly different reasons.
Do I think less of Tiger for his cheating… maybe a little because all of the gossip that is going around is stating that he has cheated with multiple women however remembering that is gossip I must remember something my mother taught me… like it or not and I am sure that I will be stone for saying this… even though only one partner has cheated there is ussually problems that stem from both people in the relationship. Did Tigers wife or any other partner that has been cheating on push them to that point… probably not. Does Tiger need to step up and take responsibility for his actions… most definatly. Did I cheat? Yes. Am I ashame for what I did? Yes Would I take it back? For underlining issues… my honest answer is, No.
People cheat for different reasons. For me it was the only way I thought I could excape. To make Him hate me. I was young and didn’t know any better but the truth is, without my cheating I don’t know if I would have ever gotten out. Once out I went at it alone. I didn’t love the other guy, and he knew it. I didn’t want to be with him. I just wanted out of my own situation. I am sure that many people will tell me how wrong I was but I didn’t know any other way.
Many people cheat. For may different reasons. And the bottom line is that we don’t know all the story, only what we read on the internet and gossip shows.
Jolene´s last blog ..Something left unsaid
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
@studentmamma, when I went to the Internet to find people in my situation, in some ways not surprised that very few showed up. And in some ways surprised that there MANY women who were out there.
I know that there is a great deal of men, who make it difficult for women to see that good men exist. And from your blog, I have seen a great deal of pain and growth. Part of me kept thinking this when I expressed things out of frustration, but was hoping that I didn’t come on too negative.
So, I am in a unique position to sympathize with a lot of people in the divorce process and from multiple perspectives.
I apologize, if I came across poorly.
Travis´s last blog ..A Very Special Breakup Song
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I’m sorry, I have to pipe in here and disagree with what Jolene is saying—it’s a very dangerous statement to make: “… even though only one partner has cheated there is ussually problems that stem from both people in the relationship.” So, if a man beats me, it could be my fault as well as his? I don’t think there are ever excuses for behaviors that hurt (be it physically, or emotionally) your partner–ever. Every adult in the relationship is responsible for his or her actions—it’s never okay to blame someone else for your wrongdoings. If there are issues, there are two main actions that should be taken: leave the relationship or communicate with your partner.
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
It is easy to say we lost respect for Tiger…because it takes the focus and attention away from our own lives and our circle of friends—who we know are cheating and have cheated. I mean the divroce rate is high in America. Tiger didn’t single-handedly create this crisis. His infidelities are between him and his wife and their families. He is not my husband. I am not jumping on the “I am Pissed with Tiger bandwagon” But I will say that cheating is a big big deal in this age of HIV/AIDS, it breaks trust and hurts people. But with grace anything can be forgiven and that’s a personal choice not a public driven forced decision. Yeah we find the Tiger thing tantalizing and some secretly think he gets what he deserves, but at the end of the day who are the Tiger’s in our own lives and have we forgiven them or have we shut them out of our lives and hearts? and most importantly if Tiger were your Brother, Son, Father, Friend would you support him or cast the first stone.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..LOVETALK RADIO DECEMBER 2009 SCHEDULE
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Hmmmm….
Well, since I recently completed the story of my own affair on the blog, I suppose I should chime in.
First of all, I am shocked that others are shocked. Really? Tiger Woods is a human being. *GASP!*
Maybe I have a different take on this since I cheated on my husband and he subsequently cheated on me. And I know for a fact that neither of us are bad people.
Tiger’s not a bad person either. He’s been practically worshipped as a phenom since childhood. Yes, he has a wonderful, good guy image but even good people make mistakes.
But over and over again?
Yes. That too.
Our lives are drastically different than his. He has been probably handed on a gold platter just about anything he wanted. My goodness, I doubt many of us could resist such temptation when offered on a daily basis. But yes, I do believe it is possible to resist temptation…. only if you stay continuously connected to your Self. Even that is a daily challenge.
Most people don’t even know who they truly are until they’ve made mistake after mistake and learned from them and then decided never to make that mistake again. It is in those low times that we grow stronger. He’s never had to suffer much low – from what we can tell. Even if he’s not winning golf tournaments, he’s still TIGER WOODS. And we still WORSHIP him.
How can any human being live up to that pressure? And who wouldn’t feel justified in partaking all that was offered to them just because the world told them that they were entitled to it.
I don’t begrudge the guy for his mistakes. I do hope that he uncovers more of his own truth though. He’s a good person. Just like most people.
T´s last blog ..$1000 win, 7:38 a.m., & 48 lbs. later…
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@T: We were so hoping that you’d chime in. Thank you.
You had the courage — on your blog — to come out and apologize to the people whom you’d hurt. It was very brave. Hopefully, Tiger Woods will do the same? Do you think it’s possible?
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..When your partner is unfaithful
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Well didn’t he already? There’s a lot more to apologizing than words though. I certainly hope that he can learn from the experience. That we ALL can.
T´s last blog ..$1000 win, 7:38 a.m., & 48 lbs. later…
Twitter @ martinimom
I have experienced cheating from all sides. I have been cheated on, I’ve cheated, I’ve been the other woman. I’m horribly ashamed of all three of these roles. I don’t excuse any of these actions. I could explain what happened; walk you through the series of events that led to the indiscretions; but of course cheating was NOT the right way to deal with any of those situations, regardless of how trapped I felt.
Did I f*** up?
Absolutely.
Does that forever condemn me?
Absolutely NOT.
I have made some terrible, terrible mistakes. But I’ve done some really great things in my life too. My mistakes are part of me, but they do not define me.
What bothers me about the Tiger Woods affair(s) is that people are so quick to judge with zero personal knowledge of the situation; that people are so quick to write him off as a terrible person. And I simply don’t think that’s fair. Cheating is a terrible thing to do, but it does not negate every other redeemable quality in a person.
If any one of us was judged solely on the worst thing we’d ever done, we’d all end up at the gates of hell.
(Okay. Maybe that last point was a little dramatic, but I think you get my point.)
Martini Mom´s last blog ..Year in Review: Best Blog
Twitter @ http://www.gymnotes
Funny you should ask. Here’s an exerpt, using this very pic of Tiger and Elin.
http://vermeulenblog.wordpress.com/2009/12/04/mind-games/
Staying up late. Chewing on the news. Like taking a band-aid off before it’s completely healed. The Tiger Woods story is not about having an affair. It’s about going away. Dealing with it. Not saying you’re sorry to all the people who looked up to you (really?) ….It’s about doing everything. Everyday. To make sure your wife knows it had NOTHING to do with her. Nothing.
Because, you were having a blast. Until you got caught.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
@Ms V: “It’s about doing everything. Everyday. To make sure your wife knows it had NOTHING to do with her. Nothing.”
And this…this…is just everything. The “make it or break it.” And the very reason I cannot go back to my relationship – lack of ownership.
I agree with others that the mistake is not the defining portion of this story – it is the lesson that comes from it all. Continuing to repeat the mistake without ownership for it…well…it does say something – not EVERYTHING, but something.
StudentMama´s last blog .."You are a selfish, heartless person"
Twitter @ swatibharteey
I don’t trust people who cheat. My ex cheated on me…and I have to say, I don’t get it. Why do people get married if they don’t want to? Why do they stay in a marriage if they are unhappy? Instead of owning their actions, many destroy others’ lives and conveniently claim that wasn’t their intention (or, in my case, deny everything and accuse the other person of cheating). It’s so irresponsible and cruel.
I hope that Tiger figures it out in a way that helps him understand his behavior and somehow gives comfort to his wife and children.
- Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..How I Changed My Attitude About Exercise and Eating Healthy
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
@Swati – What you have described is a very human-nature sort of thing. It is in many peoples nature to lie, spin, and return blame, when their behaviors are confronted. A lot of people don’t know how to ask for forgiveness when they screw up and are afraid of the “unknown” outcome of their actions.
When we are little and we steal that candy bar. You see that some children, struggle with admitting they did wrong. They are afraid that the punishment will be too great for them to bear. Even though, we say, if you just tell me the truth, the punishment won’t be as bad. They don’t believe it. As they are so scared, and they will do anything to make it go away, even pretending that it never happened… Or even blaming you for their indiscretions.
There are some of us, who will lie until the bitter end, of the wrongness they committed. Some will never admit even after the consequences have befallen them.
While others, become true to themselves, and become humble. And realize the change in themselves…
Sure… Everyone who has had that one raise their hand.. anybody? No?
Yeah, these are are the rare breed. The ones who really reach down inside, escape their fears and really become who they should be.
It is irresponsible and cruel.
Travis´s last blog ..Tell Me You Love Me. Tell Me Something Romantic.
Twitter @ http://mommasunshine.wordpress.com
I agree with what T’sQuest had to say about this. Tiger Woods is just as human as the rest of us, and well, he made a mistake. A whole bunch of them, in fact. We might not all cheat, but we all do make mistakes. I can’t hate him for that. I’m sad at the situation, and I sincerely hope that he’s able to learn from this and move on and become a better person…it’s been through my own mistakes that I’ve become a better, stronger person.
MommaSunshine´s last blog ..The First Date – Sunshine’s Perspective
I was married to a sex addict for years who cheated on me with hundreds of other girls starting from within a few months of our wedding; we separated just over two years ago. And I don’t hate him, most of the time. I don’t think he’s an irredeemably horrible person. I support his relationship with our daughter (much as he’s done a lot to wreck it–but that’s another issue) and we co-parent effectively most of the time, and he’s since moved to another relationship with a girl who seems very sweet and honestly, I feel sorry for her and her kid.
I was also once, briefly, the Other Woman (in the wake of the separation, when I’d come to believe that monogamy was a total pipe dream and that I was fundamentally incapable of having a decent relationship). It was horrible, for me and for her, and I am constantly remorseful for my role in that. I’ve done everything I can to make amends.
I suppose that’s the difference. I am remorseful, my Ex is not.
I don’t feel badly for Tiger, who pursued fame and made choices and can lie in whatever bed he made. I feel awful for his wife, who must be going through hell watching the details of these infidelities play out publicly.
And having been in the situation I was in–you better believe I contributed to the problems in my marriage. Did I force him to cheat on me with the population of a small village? No, of course not. He made that choice. But I also made choices–to spy, to stay, to believe promises he didn’t mean when I knew he didn’t mean them. And I was not healthy enough to be in a healthy relationship. I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted and needed, didn’t know how to identify it in the first place, didn’t feel entitled to trust my intutions or demand accountability or set boundaries. Knowing my role in what happened is not the same thing as accepting blame.
It hurts and it stinks, but it’s also a growth opportunity.
Maeve´s last blog ..mamas and babies