Break up or give the relationship another try?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Moms
A while back, many of you chimed in about breaking up when you’re pregnant. Your stories were powerful.
We also got the message: breaking when you’re pregnant — or soon after giving birth — marks one of the most difficult moments of your life. So, when we received this email yesterday, it was clear that this single woman was listening to you as she struggled to make some very important life decisions.
“I’m 19 years old and attending college,” she told us. “And I’m 6 week pregnant.”
“I’m super scared. Motherhood was not in my plans. I wanted marriage and a career. And I thought that kids would later.”
Apparently, she and her boyfriend had broken up before she knew she was pregnant. He was still hung up on his previous girlfriend, and he had told her that he needed some time to think about what he really wanted.
When she told him she was pregnant, however, he said he wanted to “do the right thing…and get back together.
She tells us that she won’t consider terminating the pregnancy. Understandably, this young single woman is really confused. She wants to know:
Should she try and make things work with this guy — even though she’s sure he only wants to get back together for the sake of the baby?
Or, maybe breaking up with him is the right thing to do?
He hasn’t been consistently truthful with her in the past. And that’s a worry.
This young pregnant woman needs your advice:
Should she try and make it work with her ex-boyfriend because it’s “the right thing to do”?
Or should she forget this relationship, and concentrate on looking ahead?
(Photo courtesy of Papillion Sky Photography via Flickr)
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“do the right thing…”
You know what that is code for right? That’s code for you will be divorced in a couple of years, because he will resent the child, himself and you. He is still hung up on his ex-girlfriend, and this ruined that option.
He will not be happy, he doesn’t want to do the right thing. He just feels like he has too.
Unless he truly wants to be with you and actually “LOVE” you. This will be many years of sadness, frustration, loneliness, and threats of infidelity will loom in the air.
Unless he truly loves you. His heart will belong to someone else.
Unless he truly loves you. His heart will be in someone elses bed.
Unless he truly loves you. His heart will be at the bar, way too often.
Unless he truly loves you. His heart will not… be with you.
What’s more painful to live years of fear, uncertainty and doubt, wondering if he only did it to be “a man” and watch him slide back into habits and being closed up. Or single parenthood.
It really is a tough call. It has to be your call, and shared with him. But the decision needs to be both. It will be sad, it will be heartbreaking. You will live with regrets, and so will he.
But… love… love with your heart, and all that is in your stewardship. And if you choose to love him, love him with all your heart and don’t hold back. To make it successful, you have to love beyond what you believe in.
And so will he.
Travis´s last blog ..Can’t Stand It, Know You Planned It
She doesn’t need to decide anything about him right now. If she has decided to keep the baby (adoption is still an option if termination isn’t) she needs to figure out the important stuff about how she is going to provide for this child.
They both need time to get used to the idea of being parents. I like to think that is why we are given 9 months of pregnancy. And men are typically 9 months behind in the process. My pre-natal instructor once said that the mom gets used to the idea of having another life to take care of while pregnant. While the dad doesn’t fully grasp it until that baby has arrived.
Maybe he will want to be with her and his child for the right reasons by the time the baby is born, or maybe not. And maybe by that time, she will realize she doesn’t want to be with him… I guess what I am saying is that the most important relationship right now is between this new mom and her baby. Everything else is secondary.
Twitter @ babydolleyez79
Pregnancy is no way to keep a man! If he wants to do the right thing he would not have been having unprotected sex with you and have the “LOVE” feelings for his ex. I have been in a similar situation, and it is only a matter of time until he feels like he is being with held from life because he feels an obligation to you. It will make him unhappy and maybe even stray to a completely different relationship. I say break it off with him, be an adult and let him be a part of the child’s life, but if you get hung up on feelings and love for him when things do fall apart it will be harder to except. You will feel like you gave up your life to have this child and are making sacrifices but he is not willing to do the same. You will resent him and it will eventually be a problem after the child is born.
Twitter @ http://littleskoolgirl.blogspot.com/
I got married due to pregnancy and it was the “right thing to do”. We tried everything to keep it together but, honestly, neither of us was ready and our actions showed that. Pregnancy isn’t a valid reason to stay together with someone but attempting to cultivate a co-parenting relationship is very important and worthwhile to everyone in the picture. I suggest focusing on that.
StudentMama´s last blog ..Curtain Call
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
A recent study came out that said that children of single parents by choice (instead of divorce) do just as well as children in two-parent homes. I agree with the others, a relationship can’t be fixed with a child – and what a responsibility to put on that child! If the relationship was meant to be, it will work itself out. Right now, she needs to concentrate on taking care of herself and the child, and whether or not she’s ready for motherhood.
April´s last blog ..More thoughts on the thought box
I was in your position 10 years ago. He did not have anyone else, but I was 19, just out of my freshman year of college and pregnant by a man I loved and who loved me, but who was not at all right for me.
We stayed together for a while and then split up right before our daughter’s first birthday, getting back together once I found out I was pregnant for our second daughter.
When our girls were 25 months and 9 months old we finally got married. It was hard, us both being young, and we tried to make it work. In the end it was clear that we were not meant to be and when our girls were 6 and almost 5 we finally separated. Four years later, I’m happier than I have ever been. Doing the single mom thing well on my own. He is no longer in the picture other than phone calls now and again. My advice, do what’s right for you and you baby.
And of course, stay in school. I did, and it was hard, but I graduated on time, in four years, and entered law school with two babies in diapers. I finished grad school in four years with a JD/MBA, I’m not a practicing attorney but my education has allowed me to secure a job making good money that’s is conducive to raising two kids on my own.
Surround your self with supportive family and friends. And realize that it’s no longer about you, it’s about what’s best for your child. And he can be a great dad, without you two being together, if he wants to.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
If with no other stress on the relationship but the two of them she knew he wasn’t there for her and she didn’t feel he was dedicated to her for the long haul.
Her having a child will not change this fact. He may make a wonderful dad, and she should certainly allow him to be involved with his child as much as possible, but it should not be a romantic relationship.
alley´s last blog ..But what does it mean?
Twitter @ kenmoreconnect
Speaking as someone who was on the flip side of all this, this is great advice. I had a son with my girlfriend at 19 and it became obvious very quickly that staying together wasn’t best for anyone, let alone our son. I stayed in school, powered through the rough times and was there for my son every moment possible. He’s 13 now and has become an amazing person and I’ve pieced together a great career and married a spectacular woman who’s an excellent stepmom. I don’t think things would’ve turned out nearly as well if we stayed together.
It’s hard, but the right thing to do is to look out for your education and your happiness. Hopefully the guy truly wants to do the right thing and will be there for his son/daughter regardless of what you are to each other.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Rich: We’re so honored to her from you “on the flip side.” Thank you — your son is blessed to have such a present father in his life.
MsEducated: We’re awed by your accomplishments. Thank you for sharing your story. And, of course, we agree: Stay in school!
Twitter @ http://www.themommymemoirs.com
i don’t believe in being together just because you have a child together. i’m single and pregnant now myself and if her father wanted to be with me i would say no. in fact, he and i had a discussion last night about how we get along so well because the dynamics of our relationship aren’t romantic right now. it’s so much easier to just let things happen naturally.
ladebelle´s last blog ..so this bringing home baby outfit thing is really boggling my…
I think it would be better to do the right thing and get back together with your boyfriend. Not every boyfriend is willing to do the right thing. He may not always tell the truth but, at least he is wanting to be a father to his child. That is something very special that you don’t find every day in a man.
Twitter @ andrea_mcd
I am going to suggest something revolutionary:
Don’t take any of our advice. We don’t know you or this young man. This is the time to find a professional counselor in your community who can get to know both of you, help you sort out your options, and in the event you decide that staying together is not right, help you figure out how to become effective co-parents together.
This is too big a decision to be decided by a peanut gallery.
Andrea´s last blog ..Journalism is dead; long live journalism
I am 21 years old and also pregnant and going to college. The father had just come back into my life after dumping me 6 months earlier when I got pregnant. He was very excited and wanted to do the right thing and start dating seriously again. He promised me all kinds of things such as financial and emotional support and even mentioned marriage. A couple months later, right around where my hormones were making me crazy and I was stressing out like every pregnant woman does, he disappeared out of my life and told me he couldn’t handle it all. Ever since then we have been talking off and on when I force him to talk to me, but bottom line is, his promises to me turned out to be lies. The thing every pregnant woman wants the most is to have the father of their child there supporting and loving her. However, my advice to you is to put aside what you want and think about what you really need. What you need is a man who will be in your childs life every step of the way and not eventually flake out. The only way you can get this is to find a man who loves you and is committed to staying with you through the good and bad times. So I would tell this guy that he can be involved in the childs life but in order to have a romantic relationship with you, he needs to prove to you, not just through his words, but also through his actions over time, that he is wanting to be with you because he truly loves you. And until he proves that to you, I would not jump back into anything that may just leave you getting hurt at a very vulnerable time in your life. I wish I had not jumped back into things with the father of my child only to later have to deal with his abandonment and him telling me he really doesn’t love me.
Hi. I just stumbled upon this site. I am in a similar position. I am 24 (will be 25 in July) and almost 10 weeks pregnant. I found out I was pregnant a week after my live-in boyfriend and I broke up (for good this time! I said to myself). We had a fantastic relationship in the beginning, until I learned it was all lies. We moved in together before I learned that who he said was his ex-wife of two years was really his wife still (no papers had been filed) and he was only separated for a few weeks before we met. Then I found him posting profiles on dating sites with our address and sending inappropriate pictures of himself to other girls. I knew I had to leave.
Then I found out about the baby. We tried to work things out for about a week before he was back to his old self. About every other day he promises me that he loves me and wants to be a family. He says he’s just scared and doesn’t know what to do. It makes it so hard to resist giving him just one more chance. I know my baby is the most important person now. I know that his/her safety well-being (and my sanity as a mom) is what I need to focus on, but it is hard when he says he loves me. When he says all the right things, it takes everything in me not to go back.
On the flip side, I know people can change, I’ve done it. And if anything can change a person, becoming a parent is it. He says he is wiling to see a counselor. He says he wants to do it right. I suppose only actions will tell.
Here is where I stand…We are still talking. We are still working together as parents. But we are not “together” and we certainly are not living together. I wouldn’t be looking for someone else right now even if we were not talking, so I figure it won’t hurt to keep my distance and see what steps he takes toward writing his wrongs and being the father and partner my baby and I need.
My suggestion, you two need to have a serious talk. But don’t just take his words for face value. I know it is hard, especially when faced with doing it alone. And I know school adds to that. (Thankfully I completed my degree last May). But you have to protect yourself and your baby. The last thing you need right now is added stress. Believe me, your body and everything else, will foreign to you soon enough, if not already. Don’t risk your health or the health of the baby allowing yourself to be caught up in the moment. Take it slow. Give yourselves a chance to grow together or apart. You don’t have to make any decisions right now. Take care of yourself and that little miracle inside you. Surround yourself with the supportive people in your life. The rest will fall into place.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Nicole: Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. We hope you’ll come again and let us know how everything is going. Congrats on getting your degree!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Andrea: GREAT advice! Thank you, and you’re right: a professional counselor would be very helpful indeed.
Twitter @ theatomicmommy
Very tough situation. I commend the young lady who e-mailed you for her dedication towards “doing the right thing,” however, in this case I don’t believe that getting back together just for the sake of the baby is the right thing.
Really, there is no “right thing.”
Different situations call for different decisions by different people. This is a personal choice, but I must admit that from reading the statements above that getting back together would be a bad choice, in my opinion.
A child needs a mother. A child needs a father. However, a child doesn’t need a mother and a father who are unhappy together. I mean, really, can any good come of this? Unless you are 100% happy with this man, and feel as though you can work things out and spend the rest of your days with him, then there is no use.
You can both be good parents, and raise a happy child, without being together.
Katherine [The Atomic Mom]´s last blog ..30 Year Old Men Are So Mature (PART 1)