Is there room (or not) for this single dad?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Dads
We all agree that dating is for grown-ups. And we all know that *romance* for single parents is often a complicated juggling act. Things get even more complicated if your kids insist on turning your bed into the family activity center. Or maybe your kids have just decided that they prefer sleeping in your bed.
One of the things we love about our readers is how incredibly honest you’ve been about your parenting choices — and how they have influenced your personal lives. We’ve learned so much for you. Thank you.
So, when we heard from a single dad with a 13-year-old son and an eight-year-old daughter — who says that he’s getting ready to bolt from a promising romantic relationship with a single mom — we knew right away that we had to get your perspective on this daunting relationship dilemma.
Here’s what this single dad told us:
“My girlfriend thinks it’s wrong for us to sleep together in the same house when the children are there.”
“But I think this is a normal part of a caring adult relationship. And it should not be hidden from the children.”
At least they are talking about their feelings about grown-up sleep-overs.
Yet, here’s what they are NOT talking about:
This single mom’s 10-year-old daughter sleeps in her bed every night. From the single dad’s perspective, this little girl has her mother right where she wants her. He sees this family bed arrangement — which this little girl vigorously demands — as manipulative nonsense. This single mom makes no attempt to change their sleeping arrangements. And she refuses to talk about this parenting choice with him.
Apparently, there are other *issues*, too. This single mom has been a solo parent since her daughter was born. And she’s fiercely independent. She holds strongly to her parenting beliefs, and seems very stubborn about changing them.
This single dad is grappling with a couple of tough questions. And needs your help.
Should this single dad hang in there and hope that with time — and trust — he and his girlfriend will come to a compromise about the sleep issue?
Or, is sleeping with her daughter really a signal from this single mom that there’s literally no room for him in her life?
Or, maybe these these sleeping arrangements are *normal* and just another relationship challenge they need to figure out?
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(Photo courtesy of Mary Moses via Flickr)
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Twitter @ satsukirebel
If we look at this from a global perspective it’s easy to find plenty of shared bed situations between parents (mothers usually) and their children. I don’t even find it odd that the mother doesn’t wish to upset her comfortable sleeping arrangement with her daughter for a man who even now is doubting their relationship. I don’t think it’s crazy of her to be independent or set in her parenting ways either- it is HER child we’re talking about.
That being said I don’t think the single dad in question would be a bad person at all if he decides to move on. He has his own family to think of and really, you can’t expect single parents to just “come around” overnight. She may never change her thinking. She might not want to- and that shouldn’t be a bad thing.
All people are different and there are all kinds of family living situations/parenting styles. I think if we as single parents want to make it work we’d be doing ourselves a favor by sticking to people who are going in the same direction, especially when it comes to our kids.
Satsuki´s last blog ..Weekend Spotlight: Bonus
Twitter @ http://singlemommindy.blogspot.com
It doesn’t sound like this couple is a good match. Having extremely different parenting styles can be the kiss of death for a relationship. Personally I dont see anything wrong with the guy moving on.
Mindy@SingleMomSays´s last blog ..Relationship Insanity
Twitter @ http://goingsaneinacrazyworld.blogspot.com/
I’m not a big fan of having kids sleep in your bed. However if you are planning to start dating onewould hope that this situation would be addressed before it gets to this point.
In my dating experience its been a individual thing. Some women are ready to take that step forward and start being more than just a “mom” and some are not.
Mike´s last blog ..Under the Microscope
sounds like their parenting styles are not very well matched. there are probably other things under the surface that they won’t agree about in the long run. probably time to move on.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I completely agree with Satsuki. He’s already doubting it, so he should just move on already. And good for her for sticking with what works for her family because he wasn’t going to be a keeper anyway.
April´s last blog ..All I really needed to know…
Twitter @ http://mommytothemonsters.com
I’m going to have to agree that their parenting styles don’t match.
In the long run this is going to cause some major problems….I believe there is way more going on than just the sleeping situation though
I personally don’t see any purpose in continuing a relationship with anyone whom you don’t seem yourself being in for the long run. If you feel like you two can come to some type of compromise then hey go for it, but if not move on…
Mommy to the Monsters´s last blog ..The New Mommy
Twitter @ crazyassmomma
if she refuses to talk about it, then i think he should move on.
im a single mom and my 4 year old likes to sleep in my bed too. my 10 year old thankfully sleeps in her own room always.
but the 4yo does not sleep there ALWAYS.
she knows that when my boyfriend is around (and hes been with me for 4 years, and we DO NOT live together), she goes to bed in her own room.
yes, sometimes she gets up in the middle of the night and comes in my bed, but its no big deal.
on nights when its just us girls, she goes to sleep in my bed.
my 10 year old slept with me until she went to Kindergarten, and over this coming summer, we will phase out my 4yo sleeping with me at all.
but it is something that has been discussed with my boyfriend, and compromises have been made.
so like i said, if she is not willing to talk to him, he should really look elsewhere……..
crazyassmomma´s last blog ..im the worst blogger ever. sorry friends.
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
If someone isn’t willing to discuss an issue with you despite knowing it really bothers you then they aren’t ready (or don’t really want) to be in a relationship with you. My kids come first most of the time but they know that sometimes I have to put work first and sometimes my girlfriend comes first, other times what I need comes first, though that one is pretty rare these days. It’s a balancing act and most of the time it works pretty well. Everyone knows I’m giving all I’ve got and trying to make it balance though.
It sounds to me like Dr. Leah’s question has been answered…there is literally no room for him in there.
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
I’m with the previous posters. 1) Their parenting styles are very divergent, and it’s already causing conflict. 2) She’s not even willing to discuss a compromise, indicating that this is more important to her than the relationship.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. For example, I wouldn’t stop breastfeeding if a guy asked me to. But if it’s not working for him, he should move on. Otherwise he’s wasting both their time.
Cat´s last blog ..Date
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I would say that the guy may need to back off a little. She says that its against her values to have grown up sleep overs with kids around, while you may not agree with that, you aren’t going to talk her out of them. I say be patient, be self aware and give it time. If things don’t improve or show signs of improvement, then think about moving along.
alley´s last blog ..Inspired
Twitter @ SHSoloMama
Being a solo mother since my daughter was born myself, I can basically tell you she will not change. I myself am “fiercely independent” and would not change my parenting beliefs for anyone. I don’t agree with her sharing a bed with her daughter but I do agree with her keeping her core beliefs and values (I know quite a few women who could use a lesson in this). They are very obviously not a good match so I think they should both move on.
Semi-Hippie Solo Mama´s last blog ..It’s about time for “The Talk”……
Twitter @ http://www.justbewonderful.com
Dear sweet dad should just say no. Strong, smart moms do not sleep with their children. Both mother and daughter suffer from this. Daughter does not learn security and confidence if she needs to sleep with mom, come on she is 10. Mom does not teach daughter to respect her, if she does not haver her adult, quiet time in her bed alone. Perhaps the mom has insecurities and can’t help the daughter grow up, so no room for a man! There is a wonderful women out there that is better for dad!
Donna Jon Dillard´s last blog ..Just Be Wonderful
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Semi-Hippie: Thanks for pointing out that for many solo parents, changing their parenting beliefs is probably a slow process… if at all. Ah, we get that!!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Mike: Oh, yes, that’s such a great point: “If you are planning to start dating, one would hope that this situation would be addressed before it gets to this point.”
It IS important to communicate about sleeping arrangements before they happen, isn’t it?
Twitter @ swatibharteey
Hi – I really think each person is entitled to their own parenting habits. I don’t mind my 8 year old climbing in as an exception…but it wouldn’t work work for me all of the time. One the other hand, in my culture (I;m from India), kids getting into bed with you is not a big deal – so I say to each his/her own. If they cannot talk to get to compromise, it’s time to move on…it just depends how strongly each of you feels about it.
Everybody has some thing(s) they have strong opinions about – I think the trick is to find someone who is sees them in a similar way, or who is willing to find middle ground, or has strong opinions about different things.
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..The Relationship – Chapter Four (a very short story)
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Swati: thanks for saying that there ARE cultural differences sometimes, too. I have a single mom friend from Latin America who thinks something like slumber parties for girls — very common here — are very odd and she’s hesitant. Thanks for opening our eyes.
Personally, I can’t understand having your 10 year old daughter sleep with you EVERY night. On certain special occassions or whatever, fine. But normally I feel a 10 year old should have their own bed. It sounds like this single mom is not willing to discuss or compromise on her beliefs.
Love is about empathy and compromise and at least having the discussion. If she is not willing to do that, then they are not a good match for one another.
One thing I have learned – YOU CANNOT CHANGE ANOTHER HUMAN BEING. THE ONLY PERSON YOU CAN CHANGE IS YOURSELF. Period. Fullstop. End of sentence.
Hi, this topic is mostly about me. The 10 year old daughter still sucks her thumb. My girlfriend has been single for nearly 10 years and her way of coping was to immerse herself in her family and her daughter (her ex had a affair). Her daughter is severely emotionally immature and acts like a 5 year old or less. She has also made her younger family members reliant on her even though they are in the 20′s now, they heavily rely on her for lots of things. she even takes them to the doctors. Even though she does not see it this way it is extremely selfish as is having major long term damaging affects oh her, her daughter and her family. Apart from this she is a beautiful and lovely person and we get on great.
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
I’m sad to hear about some of the coping mechanisms that people resort to after they’ve been hurt. The thing is… we ALL have them. Where the 10 year old may suck her thumb, the mom relies on her family needing her, I dove headfirst into spiritual teachings and yoga, someone else may decide to drink more…
The question you should ask yourself, Rich, is what can YOU deal with? No one else here can tell you what to do. It sounds like this woman is scared to death and still has much processing to do. Unfortunately, our kids will only handle things as well as we do so its no surprise that her daughter is still processing as well.
You can decide to be patient, help her to therapy or some other ways of dealing. Or you can move on. Her fear is keeping her stuck. She needs to be loved through her fear. Perhaps your relationship isn’t working for you at this time but you can still be a really supportive friend to her. You can still provide her love without scaring her deeper into her shell.
The decision rests with you.
T´s last blog ..My Sexuality, part 3
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
I’ve got to say, two months ago I was on both of your sides: my daughter slept in my bed every night and I wanted to have my girlfriend sleep over and thought that would be ok even though she resisited. I’ve done a complete 180 since due to slong discussions with a child therapist.
Point 1: I love having my little one cuddle with me at night. She’s so sweet and loving and it helps me not miss her when she’s with her Mom. Therapist pointed out though, that if she doesn’t learn to “soothe” herself, meaning calm herself down enough to sleep at night, she may lack coping skills later in life and be unable (or not confident enough in her own abilities) to do things on her own. Learning to sleep by oneself is an important step in this developement. Since, Ex and I have been training M to go to sleep on her own. It’s been tough (since she’s 3 1/2 and hasn’t had to before), but I can tell M feels more confident and independent, which to me is more important than Daddy feeling soothed because his little one is in his bed.
Point 2: I didn’t see the problem with overnights if I was exclusive with my GF. Therapist urged me not to do this, however, until we moved in together. Two reasons why: 1) If GF and I aren’t ready to make a long term commitment to eachother by moving in, that means we’re not ready for the commitment. Having her sleep over prior to this sets M up for losing another “Mommy figure”, and; 2) If I’m going to try and teach M the values of not just “shacking up”, I’ll have zero moral capital with her if she knows Daddy shacked up. The last thing you want to hear as a parent is “Why can’t I do it, you do!”
Therapist’s advice: be sure then move in. You don’t have to choose marriage but displaying a long term commitment to your child is an important part of teaching them family values.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..Yes, I’m Alive
Twitter @ http://www.parentaldrama.com
Whether she is an independent mother for five or ten years it really doesn’t matter whenever you decide to get involved with someone it needs to understood there are some changes and sacrifices you are going to make in your life. And we all know communication is the key to any relationship (almost anything), if he has tried to reach out and express his feelings, and still sticking to her 1947 ways (no pun intended)she is the one with the problem. Make no mistake I don’t have with my daughter sleeping on my bed but, if I’m in a relationship the routine will change a little bit.
On the flip side,even though he may feel like a victim and abandoned here it’s easy for him to show anger/complain while communicating his concerns which is a no-no (Lack of sex makes one go crazy sometimes). He just has to express himself without showing bitterness or any resentment, while making her feel wanted and not pressured I’m sure she’ll understand.
Because, at the end of the day no matter how deep rooted here core values are she needs some loving too.
matt´s last blog ..Jealousy As The Root of All Evil
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
Short and sweet. There are five billion people on the planet it is time to move on.
In general, great long term relationships and marriages are based on three common areas of agreement: 1) How we communicate, 2) How we handle money, and 3) How we handle sex (or sleeping arrangements).
In co-parenting relationships I might even add a fourth… How we handle our children.
If you cannot reasonably agree quickly near the beginning of a relationship on three and half of the four mentioned points, the relationship in my opinion has no long term future success. Yes people do change. However people change less as they get older and compatibility issues becomes more important in subsequent marriages.
From what he’s shared, 3 strikes outs out of 4 bats in favor of moving on. If they handle money differently then it is a home run in favor of running!
PS. With rare exception, children should never routinely sleep in your bed.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..Listen for Good Attorneys in Court Tip #80
Twitter @ modernlovemuse
I must side with the camp that says – 10 year old girls who still regularly sleep with their moms – is a problem. Not just for this couple, but for the mother/daughter relationship. I believe the term is called enmeshment, and from my perspective (mom of a 7 year old and 2 year old, neither of whom sleep with me with the rare exception), it suggests a real boundary issue.
If this mom wants a grown up relationship, she must re-eveluate her parenting priorities. Sorry to sound harsh, but I think in the long term this choice isn’t about being fiercely independent; it’s about avoiding intimacy with an adult.
Either she kicks the girl out of her bed (a transitional period, that must take place totally separately from the man), or he finds himself another woman to love. Good luck and best, Tinamarie Bernard
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I always have issues when a parent forgets that s/he is the parent, not the child.
Twitter @ http://www.justbewonderful.com
Yay for you Big City Dad! You rock. Best wishes with HG. Your daughter is a lucky girl. All of our precious children need limits and boundaries. That provides security. They will try to cross the line, but they need to know you will not let them go into unchartered, unsafe teritory! Helpful hint…don’t get too hung up on talking about Ex too much to HG or any significant other woman. It is not attractive. just being honest. Keep up the good parenting, Just Be a Wonderful Dad!
Donna Jo Dillard´s last blog ..Children Sleeping with Parents
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
I know I’m chiming in late and we already know I’m the odd one out on this issue because I don’t have any problem with children sleeping with parents as long as that is what works for their family. A few people have been very quick to judge this mother without much information at all. Just because the situation wouldn’t/didn’t/doesn’t work for you, doesn’t mean that it’s wrong for everyone.
Frankly, I also agree with this mother on the issue of sleepovers. It’s not about avoiding intimacy with adults, it’s about the values that I hold and hope to instill in my children and the example that I choose to set for them. I love and enjoy sex as much as anyone, but my life does not revolve around sex and I am capable of exercising restraint. I don’t judge anyone who holds different values than I do, please don’t judge those who hold the same values I do.
One last thing, regardless of how you feel about the issue of children cosleeping, I would hope that you would have some respect for this mother for standing up for what she feels is in her family’s best interest. I’ve said before that if her sleeping arrangements are not working for her family, then by all means she should change them, but it should be about what is best for her and her children, not about kicking the child out to make room for the boyfriend or backing off something she feels is important because the boyfriend doesn’t like or understand it. I would have very little respect for someone who would force the child out of the bed just so that the boyfriend can stay over.
I agree with those who said that clearly these two are not compatible and should probably end it sooner rather than later. It’s not about either of them being right or wrong, but clearly they have some fundamental differences that will only continue to cause conflict.
wondermom´s last blog ..Big plans
I think a lot of you are missing the point, I have also grown very fond of the daughter, and there is no way i would try and stand between their relationship. Im am not jelous because of lack of attention or sex. My concerns are the future of her and her poor child who will grow up without being able to cope with adult life. It will be a misserable existence for her. There is substantial research available now that urges people im marrages to stay together even if they are unhappy, as the alternative single parent arrangement has more adverse effects. I tried to hold a marraige together for 17 years for these reasons. I cannot talk to her about these things as she tells me not to get envolved in how she brings her child up, but i would be quite happy to accept that responibility and provide the balance the child so desperatly needs.