Do “sometimes” single moms offend you?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
Like so many of you, we’re both solo moms who’ve been raising our kids without any help from their bio dads. Many of you have told us that parenting solo is far easier than coping with constant co-parenting battles. We definitely understand.
That’s why we relate to choice moms, who face many of the same daily challenges. (The welcome mat is always out at Singlemommyhood!) You are constant juggling and compromising — when only YOU are responsible for everything in your kids’ lives.
The diversity of our community makes us proud. We’re on the record calling for a truce with snarky married moms who take aim at our single mom status. On the other hand, many married moms who feel like single moms have candidly told us that their lives are often painfully lonely. Our hearts truly go out to them.
So, it’s important to us to get this sticky issue on the table. We’re eager to find out exactly how YOU feel about something that really gets our blood boiling … the “sometimes” single mom.
Here’s a classic example that got us rile up: Witchy Crazy Mommy, a SAHM of a toddler, recently wrote about “Sometimes Single Mommyhood” a post that was inspired by her husband’s absence on a business trip and an off-duty/love struck nanny.
Witchy Crazy Mommy described how difficult it was to manage a toddler and grocery shopping all by herself. And she bemoaned that a glimpse in a store window revealed that her bra strap was showing.
She ended with this “salute” to single moms: “My sometimes-single-mommyhood is just a smidgen compared to being a single mom. Seriously, I salute all single moms out there. ”
She probably means well, but we’re sorry, Witchy Crazy Mommy. We hear needless pity and blatant condescension between the lines. Frankly, we’re tired of hearing married moms blithely refer to themselves as “sometimes” single moms. For us, singlemommyhood is forever … even if your relationship status does change.
We’d love to hear from you:
Are you offended when married moms refer to themselves as “sometimes” single moms?
Or do you think we’re being too sensitive and a bit judgmental?
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(Photo courtesy of corydalus)
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@WidowedMomof@: Thank you SO much for opening our eyes to these disrespectful (ouch!) phrases like “tax widow” or “golf widow.” (And we empathize with you deeply.)
I HATE hearing my married mom friends say that they felt like single-moms when their husbands were out of town or absent for some reason. It is in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM the same. For one, though the other parent may be gone, that person still calls and checks in on the kids AND you. That person still cares what is going on with you and the kids and wants to hear about funny things that happened or problem-solve with you about the kids’ misbehavior. That person is contributing financially (I mean, if he’s out of town, it probably means he has a job). That person is always your partner, even if, at the moment, they are not able to be of any physical help. Let me tell you. . . that is NOT the experience of a true single mother. I got so tired of hearing stupid things like this from friends that I joined a single mother’s group. I needed to be around people who truly understood and didn’t just think they understood b/c they had the kids alone for a few days. Even if a dad is at home, but not much help, you get more than we TRUE single moms. Even if dad just sits and watches TV, you can run to the store after the kids go to bed instead of being home bound like us real single moms. You can take a shower and know that even a lazy dad won’t let the kids start a fire or run down the street while you wash. There is always some help there, help that single mamas don’t get. Please, please – if you are a “sometimes” single mom, lonely mom or co-parent, do not group yourself with us moms who truly do everything ourselves. Not that any of our situations are better or worse, but they are different. Trust me, if you are not a single parent, you don’t understand.
Tanya: Thanks for joining the conversation so articulately. How terrific that you’ve found a single mom support group. We’d all LOVE to hear more about that experience. Please keep us posted.
Twitter @ cdc80
Thank you I am so glad I found a single mother site that I can comment and read other self sufficient and struggling single mothers. I have been raising my seven year old daughter alone since she was six months old by choice. I found that having one small child was better than having two (one is the father). I have had to figure out transportation, child care and housing for myself and daughter without the support of family or a father figure. Thank goodness for God and my friends who have always been there for me. Without these I would have at times just given up but I knew that it wasn’t about me anymore and that there is never anything that I am given that I cannot handle or overcome. Praise Jesus. I am not a bible bumping mom I just have found that God is a great person to rely on when you’re all alone in a world that requires two people do a parenting job. Becoming two people is the story of my life I live everyday as a mother and a father, as well as a full-time student, and full-time working woman. So once again thank you for a site that is dedicated to mother’s like me who have to be four different roles as only one person.
Christina: We’re SO happy to welcome you to our Singlemommyhood community. Please do visit often.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I’m late to this discussion, but I think it’s incredibly important.
Parenting comparisons are always tricky. We run into a sort of pissing contest over who has it harder – the widowed mom, the divorced mom, the choice mom, the co-parenting mom, the stay-at-home mom (of any category), the work-for-pay mom, the “do it all mom.”
Parenting is incredibly difficult, period. And more so, in certain circumstances. I’d say the presence of family to help and money to pay for help (or a break) are two of the most important criteria relative to just how hard the parenting journey can be. But warring factions among mothers?
It dismays me to see it. At the same time, I fully understand it and will even weight in on this particular issue.
I know that I just walk away and don’t want to hear it when co-parenting mothers (or fathers) talk about how tired they are. Generally, though there are hassles over logistics and schedules, there is, nonetheless, a regular break. Those of us who parent “solo” (regardless of what the custody agreement may say) rarely get a break, if ever.
If you add in an ex who takes pleasure in stirring up trouble, you have the worst of co-parenting with none of the advantages, and the most problematic of solo parenting, if you have no family to assist, and no means to pay for assistance.
The bottom line – co-parenting and (truly) single parenting intersect, but they are dissimilar worlds. When you solo parent you bear it all, whether by choice or circumstance. If you bear it all with interference, while still trying to protect your children with a glossier version of truth, it’s a painful place to live, but we do so in the best interest of our kids.
As for the pissing contest, I think it’s time we set it aside and remember that parenting is more or less of a challenge based on all manner of circumstances. The only way we know how hard – or how rewarding – is to walk in another’s shoes.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Mad Men’s Women- How would they fare as single mothers
I think it is very hard to hear any married woman complain about anything related to child rearing or marriage. I love my friends and am happy for them, but really, they just have no idea what it is like to be single and have to take care of everything yourself – running the house, running errands, earning the money. Not to mention many of them are able to be SAHMs because of their husband’s income – something that was a dream of mine.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Leslie: Thank you for adding your comment. We really get it.
Twitter @ KatWilder
So, @Tanya and @Leslie, are you saying that married women should never complain about their husbands and/or kids? That they just should be blissfully happy and thankful? That only single moms (what about dads? Divorcees? widows? gay parents?) have a right to complain?
Is this a reality TV show, where married moms have to compete with single moms and choice moms and widowed moms?
Can’t we just say that each family situation, regardless of what it looks like, has its own challenges and joys, and let’s be empathetic toward and supportive of them?
Must everything moms do be tinged with jealousy and anxiety? You just don’t see single and marred dads obsessing about this; why’s that?
And, yeah, this is coming from a divorced mom who would have (somewhat) happily have stayed married if shit didn’t happen. Was it easier being married? In some ways yes and other ways, no. Financially, it’s much harder being single (although there are so many unemployed hubbies now that, who knows?) But, having been on both sides, I’d rather focus on supporting each other instead of looking for ways in which we’re different. What good is that, except to make everyone feel bad.
Kat Wilder´s last blog ..Take a lesson from Cleopatra
Twitter @ http://urbanmoms.ca/diy
Kat – I really liked your response. Like REALLY liked it. Although it’s funny – I’ve been hesitant to read the posting at all because I find the whole choice/single/married mom debate sometimes gets harried. But you’re right, Dr. Leah, it does sound a bit condescending. But in my experience – it’s not really what people mean when they say it. I used to get really defensive when people said I was ‘brave’ to choose to parent alone – my response was always ‘soldiers are brave, people who battle cancer are brave’. Now that I’m in, I get what they meant by it. Did Witchy Crazy Momma ever respond back to this? I’m curious.
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I agree with LBW et al. This should not be a pissing contest. Or a woe-er is me contest. NO ONE knows what it’s like to be in your shoes. No matter who you are. We should be supportive of one another’s struggles and be helpful and not harmful. We should help carry the burden and not add to it. I dislike the lines being drawn. I don’t like groups that make it seem like it’s always US against THEM. I have an aversion to groups in general for this very reason. You find all sorts of validation for your struggles when with those of your same “kind.” But this develops prejudice and yes, a condescending attitude. Motherhood is hard. And that has got to be the biggest understatement in the universe. We should just be Moms Who Care and then maybe we could really learn to understand and help one another.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Catty: We always love to hear from you. Thanks for reminding us that “We should just be Moms Who Care and then maybe we could really learn to understand and help one another.”
Twitter @ http://www.cathouseteri.blogspot.com
Always a pleasure to visit. <3
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@Sara…and others
Interesting to read your opinions. I have worked hard to not get mad at people who say all kinds of silly thing about being my being widowed. They say “they just couldn’t do what I do – carry on for my girls after the sudden death of a husband. They would not be able to get out of bed.” Hmmm – there’s a bad choice. I don’t think this is a choice – it is a necessity. Or that “One day I would understand God’s plan.” Really – this was a plan?
The best thing ever said to me after my husband died was from a grief counselor who told me “most of what other people say is about them, not you.” It helps them feel better. You, Sara, are too brave – they couldn’t parent alone. And if they believe that – they won’t have to do it. God has a a plan for me -it must not be the plan for them, so they don’t have to be worried about being widowed young. Its common to over-react to other people’s opinions when you are grieving. And single moms, divorced moms, etc – are grieving a loss, just like widowed moms.
It’s not worth wasting energy on others peoples’ fears. And I think that is what this sense of “competition” is about. As a widowed Mom, I am not competing with anyone. I’ve always been on the fence. I worked a great part time job. And I had no opinion abou the working mom/stay-at-home mom thing then either. I am so aorry to have to work full time now to support my kids because I liked having more time with them. And my husband. And I’m glad I did it because my time with my husband was short. But I do what I have to do for my kids.
Life is complicated for lots of people. Sometimes we vent. It doesn’t mean we are competeing. Just looking for true support. Maybe someone who gets our situation and says the thing that jives with us instead of the thing that expresses their fears.
I’ll admit it, few things piss me off more than other mom’s who talk about being a ‘single parent’ for a weekend/day/week. I never thought I would be a person who was hypersensitive to that statement but as it turns out I am.
I am regardless of the fact that I KNOW with every fiber of my bone the women who have said it to me did so with no malice, no judgement and no intent on drawing a comparison. I KNOW it is a thoughtless throwaway line for many people.
But just as someone said that when people say things like ‘your brave’ it’s about them not you, the same can be said for my negative reaction to people causually using the term “single parent”. The fact is my hypersensitivity is about the stress of being a single parent. That finanically, emotionally and socially I am responsible for my child and myself. Those responsibilities often weigh heavy on me. It has at times cost me my own self worth, my own health through weight gain and at times a profound sense of isolation. It is for that reason that it strikes me viscerally when women say they are ‘a single parent like me’ because their spouses are away a lot etc.
Intelligence and understanding aside it is an issue that cuts deep for me. Because I understand where it bears out of I am able to not have it become an issue, but it doesn’t take the sting away when someone says it.
Twitter @ MoxieB
Thank you for braving this topic. A married woman will always have the benefits and peace of mind that come from the energy, time, and income of TWO people.
The only time I really resent my married sisters is when my son is ill & I have no one else to stay w/him & must stay home. I’m tirerd of snarky & downright mean comments abt the time I have 2 take off. They do not have to dose their kids w/motrin in order 2 mask a fever and send their kids 2 school b4 they’re well. It’s not something I talk abt often, but it comes up when I’m accused of not pulling my load due 2 my child’s illness.
I do think it’s good to clear the air/call a truce.
I think I’m lucky to be able to handle my child, finances, and household entirely on my own (though I do wish I could afford a maid!). I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must be to realize how much you depend on your husband to balance your life. Especially w/ the huge possibility that someday you will need to do it all on your own for much longer stretches of time, statistically speaking. And, thus, the cycle of divorcing way later than it would be wise to begins…. (I also think some of these people who say things like this might suffer at least slightly from a less than stellar sense of self or identity w/in their relationships/lives. Thus, making them feel lesser, when their “better half” is away.)
I have to admit that I feel a little touchy about single co-parenting friends of mine who have _effective_ 50-50 custody agreements. It’s not quite the same as being an only parent, and some of them don’t seem to realize this. Especially with regards to calling the day of to see if maybe I’d like to go out that night. I don’t have weekends off from parenting!
Ha ha. But, either way, in the end, we’re all parents (hopefully) trying to do the best for our kids. Which is what really matters. And, I’m sure more of my friends will be divorced/single parents a few more years down the line.