To the married moms who envy us: how about a truce?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Moms, Tips & Advice
When “my babies” were growing up I realized that the harshest critics of “singlemommyhood” were often married moms (ouch!).
I’ll never forget the one mom who always seemed to work something about my divorce into our playground conversations.
Her comments went something like this:
“Your kids are really great despite the fact that you’re divorced.”
Have you ever experienced anything like this?
There is also that married mom who comments about the future of your kids:
“Children who grow up without a dad never have normal relationships (normal? ) and really never figure out how to be real adults (huh?).”
As much as these comments hurts, it’s important to remember that this mother is probably hurting more. Sadly, she might also feel envious of your single mom life.
After all, most single moms are incredibly brave and clear-headed. While we face struggles and indecision, these married moms see us an independent and in charge.
But this post is not about getting on the single mom soap box.
Instead, we’re here to ask all married moms: please stop snubbing us.
We no longer want to defend our status on the playground — or at PTA meetings.
We don’t appreciate the insults or negative feedback.
This also goes for the married mom — whose husband is traveling — who says to us, “I’m a single mom this week. I don’t know HOW you do it!”
We realize that you’re to empathize with us. But it sounds so condescending.
So, the next time you’re on the receiving end of such a remark about single parenthood, please remember that what’s behind her statement has everything to do with her life — and nothing to do with yours.
So, let’s try being friends, married moms. How about it?
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Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Thanks for this. The comment “I don’t know how you do it” used to completely throw me. I’d think of all the things I don’t think I’m doing very well, or wonder if I should be on the brink of a breakdown or something. Now I just smile and say, “me, neither!”
I’m learning to deal with my strong reaction to the married moms whose husbands are away and claim that they’re single moms. Their husband may not be present right then, but they know that their husband loves their kids and they can at least communicate with them about the kids. As a single mom w/ a completely absent X, I don’t see the connection.
April’s last blog post..It Wasn’t Meant to Be
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I couldn’t agree more with this; “remember that what’s behind her statement has everything to do with her life — and nothing to do with yours.” Perfectly put.
The preachiness is what is most offputting to me. The married moms who act like just because they’re still married that they’ve done a better job and are a better mother, and that couldn’t be further form the truth. Many are self-appointed experts on everything but have never walked in the shoes of a single mom. It is so condescending and offensive.
If married moms can understand that and let go of the fear, then and only then will we be “friends”.
MindyMom’s last blog post..Wanted: Time & Energy
A truce would be a hard call. We single moms envi the completeness of a dual parent household. The married moms envy us our freedom and control over the remote. Single moms operate under the confines of just one parent, this often means limited time, energy and income. But married moms function within the limits of their husbands’ demands as well as those of their children. I can’t see a truce necessarily but mutual respect would be most welcome.
Twitter @ http://www.debtfreekid.com
A friend of mine (who said she felt like a single mom whenever her husband works nights – um, what?) told me that she could NEVER be a single mom because she couldn’t STAND having a dirty house. She was visiting my house at the time. After she left she offered to call the city about our lead paint problem. It was all a little much.
Karissa’s last blog post..And then there were three
Not a single mom, but I’ve never felt bad about the comment “I don’t know how you do it” or “it’s amazing how you manage with 3 children”. I always just reply that you do what you have to. I guess since I was raised my a single father I never saw my situation as unusual and I know my father heard many of the same kind of comments while he was raising me.
I guess I agree with what Caloden is saying. You can find good things and bad in each situation.
I feel that most married parents to admire a single parent who is successfully raising children. Dealing with all the challanges of parenting alone is a tough job. I don’t envy dual parents, but I would like there to be a female parental figure in my children’s life. It’s not a must and I don’t think it makes a difference in turning out normal, productive children, but I do feel that there is someting to be gained by a child having both male and female parent role models. (Like I should talk….being a single dad)
Twitter @ iswirls
I’m a divorced dad and I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I think it women being bitchy towards other women. Sounds like the comments of a unhappy woman who is trying to make herself feel better. Just my thoughts.
Eathan’s last blog post..How Far Would You Go?
Caloden: You made me laugh – that’s it …control over the remote. No March Madness for single parents- unless we’re die hard college basketball fans.
M: Few of us disagree that a male and female role model would be ideal–but I believe we’re all looking for the right role models. Thanks as always for visiting.
Karissa: Married, single, gay, or straight … no one needs that kind of commentary. Just plain old mean! Bet her house wouldn’t have passed inspection.
Eathan: Your thoughts are always welcome. Thank you for commenting.
I so agree with you. I am a single mom and I definitely feel the snub from some married moms, especially at PTA night. I get the, oh my husband is away and it is so hard, how on earth do you do it. I think the hardest part has been listening to what people say. I wrote a book about the struggles of being a single parent. The introduction talks about how people feel the need to ask why I’m single. Does it even matter. I never thought about the fact they could be jeolous of our independence. I’ll have to think on that for awhile.
Thanks for this blog! I get soooo frustrated by the comments about my child’s future (that is the worst!!) and from others, how they know EXACTLY what it is like to be a single parent because their husband works/travels so much. At least their husband is making money, I want to say, reducing the financial burden… and if they have some sort of a relationship, that could help a bit! Sorry to rant – it just drives me nutty. I imagine the comments about the traveling husband similarities are well meaning…
Catherine: I agree. The thoughtless comments of others can definitely land all of us in a funk.
Melinda: About the plus of two incomes and some financial cushion … those comments drive me nuts, too.
Sure, I’ve been in this situation a time or two:)and the advice I got from the women in my life was this: “There will be people who will judge you,those who will dislike you and some will try to break the ice and put their foot in their mouth. Only you can decide who is just being clueless without malice and those who are not.” Because of this advice I try hard to give the benefit of the doubt when someone asks me something or says something that is in bad taste. Sometimes people are nervous, trying hard to kick up a confo and put their foot in their mouth every time. Others are apparently in need of a good Miss Manners book:) If I felt someone was out of line my response was “we must have very different facts” or “we really are very different parents” or “perhaps we can debate this without anger because we see this in very different ways..what are your thoughts?” I made a few very good friends this way and cut loose those who I deemed not worthy of my time or my friendship. Who needs additional stress with unhappy, hateful people around?
This came from many different types of people, not just married moms too.
People say how do you do it? I just smile and ask them the same question! Don’t we all go through life differently? So how do You handle Yours? lol or the “snub” I will go out of my way to force them to be rude to me because nine times of of ten, they make asses of themselves:)but this is in rare cases as most don’t get that close to me for them to think it’s appropriate to ask such a personal question or make personal remarks!
I refuse to allow anyone to try and bully me, cut me down or belittle my existence in any way.
I’m nice enough about it and it keeps the bullies away:)I was a young mom when I was given this advice advice. It was from some very strong, positive women, some married, some not:)
Perhaps married moms who make snarky or rude comments about single moms are jealous. I’m friends with a few single moms and a single dad, and I’ve never put one down or insulted them; but I couldn’t be less jealous of them. They have many times the work I do, and I believe that although they may have done what was best for their children, the kids were permanently hurt by the dissolution of their families. I don’t know why anyone’s actually proud of that. I could see doing the same thing in their situations, but I couldn’t see being glad it happened.