Can we talk about your bedroom?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
We’ve talked a lot about the challenge of juggling parenting – and getting a (we mean sex) life. We get it! As these candid conversations unfold, we wonder how your parenting and private lives have melded – or not? Frankly, we’re most curious about your bedroom.
Some of you have told us that your bedroom is actually the family room. The kids climb into your bed to watch TV or eat a snack. Your walls are decorated with kid photos in tiny little frames, along with their artwork – oh, and that gorgeous shot of you and your ex. It’s not unusual to find a toy or stale snack leftover wedged between the bedsheets. You don’t really object when the kids insist on sleeping with you. And you use a corner of the room for storage.
Others of you have told us – emphatically – that your bedroom is a kid-free zone. Your bedroom inspires romance, intimacy – and, of course, great sex (even if you’re not planning any at home sex fests any time soon). You’ve banished the clutter – and safely stowed the adult toys. You refuse to sleep on your “ex sheets” – you scoured the outlets for fresh new bedding. And installed a bedroom door lock. You’ve hung a couple of inexpensive art pieces – or maybe created your own “vision board” to help you focus on your future plans.
Please know – especially if you’re new to Singlemommyhood: we don’t judge. Only you should make the rules in your own life.
We do wonder … and would LOVE to know:
Is your bedroom a “family” room?
Or is your bedroom a “kid-free” zone?
Are you looking to make a change?
If so, what are your plans?
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Photo via Flickr: Volta Theatre
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Twitter @ IveLanded
My bedroom is a little bit of both.
When I got my own place, I really wanted to make my bedroom my own personal little haven…….girly, clean, uncluttered, with no influence from anyone. My bedroom is all about everything I love and everything I want. So, there is a shelf with a photo of me and each of my kids. But there are more concert posters and prints I got off Etsy with quotes I like.
My kids are allowed in my room with my permission, which is almost anytime they want. But I do have a fair amount of time that it’s just pristine and I tell them no or I just need some quiet alone time, and I’ll tell them no.
I don’t let them bring their toys in my room, only books, and I don’t let them eat in my room. I did at first and that resulted in too many crumbs in mama’s sheets.
I have a king sized bed and on non-school nights, they are all welcome to sleep with me and they all usually do every chance they get. But I enforce the “school night” rule because 1)I stay up later and get up earlier than they do and they need their sleep and 2)I want to make sure I get enough “me” time. I love having my whole entire bed to myself.
My room is a little bit weird because I live in a 100 year old house and my bedroom is actually a weird little add on room in the back of the house. I’m planning on finally painting it this summer because the wood paneling is just UGH. But I recently submitted it to a website that features “real” homes (as opposed to staged home decor shots) and you can see it here if you want:
http://reallifehomes.wordpress.com/2012/01/23/a-real-home-in-california-nines-a-crowd/
Twitter @ notthecar
My bedroom is and has always been a kid-free zone. My daughter knows she has to knock before entering and she’s not allowed in my room when i’m not there or in my bed unless she’s sick. I may not be getting it on with a guy in there but i want the boundaries clearly established so when i do the change is not a shock. There will be no getting the kids out of the bed, shock at a locked door etc in my house.
Are there pictures of my child hanging in my room? sure as well as the paintings i love and art that my daughter made for me.
Kid-free, pristine, uncluttered, sanctuary. My two girls are allowed to crawl into bed with me and watch TV Saturday/Sunday mornings but that’s so I can snooze a little longer. If they’re sick and feeling icky I also will bend the rules and co-sleep. But absolutely no food at all.
Occassionaly if I need dedicated time with child #1, I’ll allow child #2 to hang out in my room, read, play quietly or watch a movie. Since neither of them play or hang out in mommy’s room regularly it’s a treat so child #1 will stay put for awhile while I deal with child #2.
They kids pretty much have the run of the rest of the house. The girls share a bedroom for sleeping and have the 2nd bedroom is their “playroom”. I’ve mandated that most of the toys stay in there unless they’re being actively played with. The living room is our gathering hang out place. So my room is mine, mine, mine and I like it neat, tidy and welcoming.
I think we single mamas tend to sacrifice without thinking, and a little too much. My bedroom is MY room. The boy is allowed to come in and snuggle in the morning when the alarm goes off (we tend to hit the snooze button a few times), but other than that, he does not come in, and knows there’s a boundary (knocking, etc.). Boy does he hate it when he is not allowed to come in, but that’s life. In terms of decoration, bedding was replaced after the divorce, and two pictures of my son (one with me) on the bulletin board on my dresser. The picture of me and my bf is on my nightstand, and I have a little artwork, as well. My bedroom is for two things, and I can’t do either if the little one, and/or his things, are running amok in it.
Twitter @ WhitewaterAtty
I’m big into middle grounds (life isn’t really black/white, right?), so my bedroom is a bit of both.
Once I obtained my bedroom independence (i.e., became separated), I decorated the walls with my own framed underwater photography and I have a good linens on the bed. Generally, it’s a No Toy Zone, but I never object to my son bringing a toy into the room. He is always welcome into the room when invited (which is just about always), and while he’s to sleep in his bed — when he needs a bit of extra comfort (sick, feeling sad, etc.) he can sleep in Daddy’s Bed.
Basically, my bedroom is *MY* room… but I am always happy to share my room with my son (and likewise he’s always happy to share his room with me).
My bedroom is definitely sacred space (although I have finally reclaimed most of the living room back – only games, books and art supplies are now there).
It isn’t a kid free zone in that the 2nd TV is in my room and when I want the living room to myself for company, to watch sports in peace, etc. she can set up camp in there — however whatever she brings in, leaves with her when the day ends. I will set up a tray table for her to eat on as well. Much like IveLanded it’s a hybrid space – I too have a no sleeping in mom’s bed on school nights, but weekends are up for grabs.
The room itself is completely reflective of me. Painted walls in my favorite color a king bed, overstuffed reading chair and all black and white prints on the walls – a combination of photographs I’ve taken and portraits I have of my immediately family and myself over the years. It’s the calmest space in the house and definitely my sanctuary (even though is is rarely neat – I am a messy person who never makes her bed). But it is a space that absolutely reflects who I am and one that I can retreat to when I need to.
Twitter @ pisceshanna
My daughter has no desire to go into my room (other than to wake me up on the weekends so I can make her breakfast). There’s no TV in my room, no toys, no “fun” things to do anyway, so it hasn’t really been an issue. I wouldn’t make it a family room, but then again, my kid is 5 now. When she was a baby, every room was her room, because she was always with me. I don’t know how I would deal with that, if I were to have another one.
Twitter @ chopperpapa
I have a name for my bedroom “The Sanctuary”. There is no underlying sexual innuendo here. It’s my zone. My kids sometimes hang out in there but that’s rare. I have it decorated in an Asian motif with dark earthy tones. My bed is my own in other words, not the marriage bed. It’s my fortress of solitude.
Twitter @ sexlivesofmoms
I have little ones who have no boundaries or respect for mom and dad’s room. And we are getting to the point where we REALLY need to install an inside lock for those times we don’t want one of them meandering on in.
We still end up one or two kids in bed with us every morning, toys under the covers, dirty diapers on the night stand. You get the idea.
I am very much looking forward to the day it can become my own space again.
Twitter @ http://singlemamamusing.blogspot.com
My room (yes the same one I had as a teenager)is the only space that’s mine and for now it’s not too bad. It’s girly, filled with things I love and the place I retreat to at night to read, play on the computer, watch tv or just sleep. My son, who also has a room, is welcome anytime and makes his way down in the middle of pretty much every night to cuddle in my bed. Toys no, but books and movies yes. Perhaps things will be a bit different when we have our own space again, but for now my door is always open. 
I guess it’s a bit of both for me too. As we live with my folks right now, the sex life just wouldn’t be happening anyway.
Twitter @ Lbfendley
I NEVER have my bedroom all to myself. Right now, my 3 yr old sleeps with me practically every night, and at least one of my other two ends up in there as well. I only have it to myself when they’re with their dad. I really don’t mind though. My sacred space/time is usually after they get to bed. I get in my special spot on the couch, read a book, or watch a movie and I’m good.
Twitter @ mightbeatranny
my room is just for sleeping. i don’t do anything else in there. i only use it to change and sleep. i found that works best for me, because in the past i’ve had trouble falling/staying asleep. i read up on sleep issues and it was suggested that making the bedroom JUST about sleep helps. i tired it and its worked great. i literally fall asleep w/i minutes. my youngest will come in to sleep if she has a bad dream, but that isn’t very often.
my ex was/is an abuser, so i am very careful on who i bring into their lives. i cannot imagine bringing a man here for dinner, much less sex. my youngest just found out this week that 2 of her friends at school have dads who are abusers. their view of men is not great.
we have a family room and the kids have a play area in the backyard. it has a tv, videos, art supplies, etc. and they have the attic that is basically american girl land. on weekends they will bring their dolls down stairs and have them go camping or a play. but that has to go back up when they are done.
there isn’t any reason for the kids to bring their toys into my room, because i’m only there to sleep (so they are asleep too) and they have their own spaces for play.
Twitter @ halenbugbee
My bedroom is simply that. Sleep happens there, nothing else. I don’t have a tv or anything like that. When my girls are with me, we sleep together because this is a new situation and I don’t yet have another bed for them. They sleep over so rarely that I don’t mind having them so close but I don’t get much sleep simply because they squirm, kick and fling arms all night. I actually sleep upside down (my head by their feet) so avoid a random arm or elbow from breaking my nose! I am not an advocate of the “family bed” style of sleeping and will soon be encouraging everyone sleeping in their own beds
Twitter @ http://deleted
When I moved and bought my own house- I decided I would decorate my room the way I wanted- my ex leaned on the controlling side so when we were married things were decorated the way he wanted with the type of furniture he wanted in the colors he wanted. So I said to myself- I will do I want- and that is exactly what I did. In fact- I think I went in the completely opposite direction from when were were together. It’s defenitely feminine in there. The rest of my house is doen up in an americana farmhouse look, so even though my bedroom is feminine in every aspect- it’s still got that quilted farmhouse look which I love!! I don’t really mind if my son comes in. I have a couple of pictures of him, but no tv. I don’t like tv in the bedroom. But I don’t mind him comming in to watch me hang up my clothes, sneak into the bed with me in the middle of the night, or hang with me when I am cleaning it up, and stuff- in fact he helps me most of the time with that sort of stuff. I figure- he’s not going to want to come in there and just chill with mama or sleep in my bed when he gets older one day- so why not cherish it while I can? He’s only 4 right now.
Unfourtunetly my apt is a one bedroom. My son has his toddler bed in there. One in a while when he’s sick he might climb into mine. We have pics in the room but all his pairings are on my fridge. Lol
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
The bedroom is mostly the bedroom~ but, on Fridays, we all squeeze on my bed and watch movies together (daughter, fiancee and me)~ and when my man leaves, my daughter comes in early in the morning to snuggle with me. Sometimes, she’ll ask if she can read her book in our room~ which we gladly let her. I have very fond memories of my mother’s room~ her bed was always warm and safe and smelled so good!
But, she’s not allowed to enter ever without knocking or asking first. She understands that it’s a room that needs to be respected. And, her friends are NEVER allowed in there!!!!
Twitter @ andthedamnkids
Me and my boyfriend just recently moved in together and I had to put my foot down about the kids coming in. When it was just me and my daughter, she would come in on the weekends and sleep in and cuddle with me. But when I got jumped on and kicked for the third time, I had to have a convo with him. That still didn’t get the point across until one morning there was an interruption from a little one and he didn’t get what he was hoping for (funny how that will get a man hopping into action, lol). That prompted a converstaion with the kids and now they must knock and are not allowed in there when we aren’t there.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
What an intriguing question.
In my own experience, there was a bit more division of Adult church and state before divorce. After, having to adjust to so much change (including a move into a little fixer-upper house), there was no way I was going to “bar” my kids from anything that would reassure them, recreate a sense of family, and solidify us as a threesome that would eventually be fine.
I won’t say my bedroom became another playroom, but it was an open zone unless the door was closed, and then it was a matter of knocking and being respectful – just as I had to be, with them.
So I guess you could say we always fell somewhere in between – which doesn’t mean that we had no clutter, no overlap, no freedom to move and just “be.”
Twitter @ singlemombooks
Kia said it all for me: my room is and has always been, my room! My daughter has her own room and I respect her space as I expect her to respect mine. Those boundaries and rules helped a lot when I first my my now-husband. Now, she is allowed to be in my room and bed when we read together and occasionally watch Netflix on the iPad (no TVs allowed!). It’s special time and is treated as such. It goes along with what I believe: that kids will follow the expectations they’re given.
I’m like BigLittleWolf….My bedroom is sortof a family room, I guess. I have a TV in there, and it’s the only TV with a DVR because I record grown-up shows I don’t want the kids to have such easy access to (not that they are interested anyway). Our couch in the living room is small (just a love seat) so when the kids (9 and 11) and I are watching our weekly show together (The Middle), we do it in my bedroom usually, snuggled on my bed. The kids are also allowed to take turns sleeping with me on the weekends. I have a king sized bed that is super comfortable and they love it, and I know these years of them wanting to snuggle with me will go by way too fast….. I don’t really have a problem with my bedroom being more of a family room because I don’t intend for it to always be that way. If/when I get married again, that will change. For now, especially since we downzied from a big house to a 3 bedroom apartment and space is limited…..it works.
Twitter @ MommyMe
As of right now my son sleeps with me. Well, I put him in his OWN bed first, but he always climbs in with me sometime in the middle of the night. After my ex husband moved out my son had a hard time adjusting and I feel he just needed to be close to me. As much as I love my son, I feel that it’s been long enough and it’s time for a change. I’ve been dating a wonderful man for the past few months and it’s getting serious. So I’m working on getting him to stay in his bed until the morning. My bedroom needs to be mine again, ya know, because I’d eventually like to NOT be a Single Mom anymore.
My Bedroom is MINE!!!
When my daughter was little she often ended up in my bed and I never turned her out and naturally as she has got older she no longer wants to sleep in there! She has a sanctuary of her own and so do I. My room is where I go to get away from it all, to read and to meditate…so it is my space.It is quite a plain room and if it is ever messy then it is my own mess!! 
I have a mixture of picturesd including ones of me when I was younger and great nights out! I also have my daughters pictures and lovely art.
If my boyfriend does stay round then he is allowed to sleep there too but mostly I like it to me a place for me!