Are you ready to talk about daddy?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Moms, Tips & Advice
Paula C. recently wrote us:
“I want to have the ‘Dad talk’ with my four-year-old, but I get weepy even when I think about his father, who left when he was an infant. My son has no memory of him. And I never talk about him in front of my son.”
Obviously, this is a painful and difficult subject for you — or “the daddy talk” would have already happened.
Your son likely has not asked you about his dad because he correctly senses that Mom doesn’t want to go there.
He might feel confused and hesitant right now, but, eventually, he will ask about his father.
This will probably happen at the most unlikely moment, like while you are waiting on line at the supermarket, dropping him off at school, or twenty minutes before you’re scheduled to leave for your first important business trip.
This is why you need to be emotionally prepared to talk about Dad.
Your first step is tackling your own emotional baggage, which is certainly heavy to carry.
Begin with this gift to yourself:
Write down exactly what thoughts about your ex that bring tears to your eyes– or make you angry.
Just let it all out: your disappointments, regrets, and sadness. You need to sort out these feelings, and leave destructive emotions behind for your own sake.
Of course, putting the pen to paper might seem a bit old fashioned, but writing things down lends this matter the importance it deserves. If you later want to write your thoughts down in a private blog, or one only viewed by a core group of invitation-only friends that might be helpful, too.
When the time is right, this piece of paper can be burned, composted, or dropped into the ocean. (The Sanity Fairy personally favors going green and composting.)
Here’s what’s most important: Your feelings are valid. And, you’re entitled to them.
Often in our haste to “do it all,” we forget this. Taking good care of ourselves, however, is the best way to take care of our kids.
Have you struggled with answering any “Daddy questions“?
Please share. We’ll all benefit from your thoughts and experiences. Thanks!
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This needs to be discussed from day one, if possible. With a 4-year-old it’s not too late to bring out photos etc and just sprinkle him into conversations once the “talk” has occurred. I would (and do) attribute many of my kids good qualities to their dad and to me, and I make sure they know it — and when it’s easier and more natural you can tell good fun stories too (like his burping acumen or how his fingernails looked or expressions etc).
It’s vital to a child’s emotional well-being. I put myself aside and do what is right for them.
I’m only recently separated (well, almost a year actually, but it still seems fresh!) and my boys are 4 and 2. The night my ex left, I told the boys that Daddy was going to live in a new house but he still loves them and will still be their daddy. At first I went out of my way to tell my kids constantly that Daddy loves them and misses them and will visit them as soon as he’s able. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was lying to them and setting them up just like he was. Now if they say they love him, I say I’m glad and leave it at that. When they say they miss him, I tell them I understand and sometimes I still miss him too but this is the way things are now. My biggest challenge is what to say when they ask when he’s coming to visit or why he doesn’t visit. I try very hard not to tell them when he’s supposed to visit so that they won’t be disappointed when he flakes, but I don’t know what to say when they ask why he never comes. For a while, I adopted the policy of dialing the phone and handing it to them when they asked. Now he’s back to not answering when they call, and not returning calls, even if the boys leave him a voice mail. I hate seeing how disappointed they are when he doesn’t answer and doesn’t call back, but I also hate to tell them no, we’re not calling him AGAIN…he’ll call back when he’s ready.
Sometimes I think it would be easier if he just dropped off the face of the earth but obviously that has its own set of problems. I’ll be watching for any advice on explaining these things to young kids. Too bad the adults can’t just be adults and let the kids be kids…it’s sad when the adults are too wrapped up in themselves to look at what’s best for the kids!
Amy Sue Nathan: Some times you really have to dig for those “fun stories”. Great job!
WonderMom: We’ll be talking about “Dad” and solutions to the sticky dilemmas you raised….definitely!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
This is a tough one. My 3 yr.old daughter’s father has been in her life on a very infrequent and inconsistent basis since her birth, visiting about every 6-8 weeks for a couple hours. She knows who he is by first name, but doesn’t connect that he is her father at this point, although he calls himself daddy when he visits. We speak about him positively when it comes up but I let her be the one to inititate any converations about him. I feel it has been his choice to be so insignificant in her life and it is also his reponsibility to change that. I neither promote a relationship or discourage it and try to deal with things one day at a time since I can’t control what role, if any, he will take in the future.
My baby’s father left my picture at 5 months pregnant. He said he needed some time, because on our wedding date, he wasn’t ready to commit. Meanwhile back at the ranch,he proceeded to see someone else and then marry her without telling her about our baby.
I realized he just wasn’t going to keep any promises when he didn’t show to see the baby at the birth. He had requested a dna test and I was only too happy to comply. He never came to do the test. He even sent me flowers and congratulated me on my baby. The only communication I have received from him was repeated efforts to talk me out of the baby being his. And he would go on and on about the baby ruining his life.
Long about Thanksgiving I caught up with his sister in law on facebook, trying to locate him for child support. She told me that he had 4 other children who he did not see! And that he was several years older than he said and that he’d gotten married. Wow. I was floored.
Now, all thats left is the efforts through the system to collect child support and hope he just stays gone. Because if he cares for our son so little, I don’t trust him to be around him.
JW: We’re honored to welcome you to Singlemommyhood. You’ve had a rough beginning. Good for you for going after the child support you’ll need to help take care of your son. Please do keep us posted on your progress. And, of course, please do visit us again soon.