Do you have a private, kid-free zone in your home?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
Are you having sex in your own home?
We asked you this recently, and we’re not surprised that this is one of the most controversial subjects for single parents.
You’ve chimed in (thanks!), and we’ve noted that most of you do feel entitled to have sex in your own home.
So, what’s the problem?
For starters, what if your kids are at home?
Many of you have written about your “older kids” whose preferred schedule is strictly nocturnal. We’ve also noted your objections from the “other parent” when custody issues are still being worked out.
And, what about the kids who might inadvertently report a new boy/girlfriend to classmates? Yes, that’s also a concern.
We understand. That’s why were here to talk about all these challenges — and more.
Many of you are justifiably overwhelmed by conflicting demands of work and family. Of course, your kids come first. While you crave passion and intimacy, carving out time for “you” is a challenge.
A vast majority of you seem to have nearly full time responsibility for our kids. Even with split custody parenting time schedules, you don’t want to miss school conferences, athletic events, birthday parties, or just the opportunity to meet your kids’ friends.
So, your kid-free breaks are infrequent and not always on a dependable schedule. When you are alone, there are many competing demands, including the need to simply rest.
But here’s what has most surprised us:
Although you DO crave privacy to be intimate, the challenge is this: you lack a “kid free” place in your own home to carry this out.
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So, this leaves us wondering: Do you have a private “kid free zone” in your home?
Likely, it’s your bedroom. Are we right?
If not, what’s preventing you from having a private “kid-free zone” at home?
We thank Crazy Computer Dad for inspiring this post.
Photo by Nelso47
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Sometimes you have to be creative. There is always the garage, backyard, tree house! Inside, you run the risk of being heard, or walked in on. So, you and your friend would have to be a lot quieter than normal, and perhaps less active in the bed (read: sliding bed on hardwood floors). This could put a crimp in some peoples style I’d say. I just think if you are going to have sex with someone while the kids are home and sleeping, you might need to think outside the box (pun intended).
My bedroom has always been on a invitation basis unless we were watching movies and playing board games on the bed. My office is off limits totally.
My last home had a large walk in closet that was larger than most people’s bedrooms. I’ve used this room as a private space from the rest of the house. It was almost like my own private room/dungeon.
Eathan’s last blog post..TR37 Comes Back, Again
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Well said Bill! I’m amazed at how many single parents I’ve spoken to who have sex in the car…. at least the foggy windows double as “shades,” right?
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
A walk-in closet Eathan! Talk about creative! Great idea, minus the possible rug burn?….
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Clearly, you all live in actual houses! Dens, backyards, walk-in closets…hahahaha. We live in a 2-bedroom apartment. I’ve tried before to keep my bedroom as off-limits, but sometimes the girls need to separate from each other, and one of them would end up in my bedroom. Now, my bedroom is as much a part of their lives as anywhere else.
I have a small balcony that I use for quiet time. That, and the bathroom, but it’s a common bathroom as well. Neither place really conducive for intimacy with another.
April’s last blog post..Weekend Wrap-Up
Obviously a person can only say what works for them, or what their situation is. In my case my bedroom is my private space (of course that is reallly my master suite, so it’s a lot more than just a bed room).
As the sole custodial parent of more than just a couple of children it was an adventure to come up with ways of having a carnal incounter with woman. Of course if there is enough desire we tend to find a way.
I was lucky I guess. My children grew up with the understanding that dad’s room was his. If they needed me I would come to them. That held true even if I was spending some quality adult time with a woman.
Even now, years later, if I am in my room the children still at home will knock on my door, or call me if there is something that needs my input (even though it’s 2pm and we’re the only people in the house). I have never be sorry for establising my areas that were not free access. It has worked out really well. My children all know I’m here for them, but at the same time they know that my area is for me and not for them without my express invitation. (keeps me from having to be very imaginative in hiding adult items that are best not viewed by my children.
Lot of advantages to having established my room as being private. And both my chldren and I are happy for that.
Twitter @ crazycompdad
I’m not sure how I inspired this! However, my bedroom is my area. My son knows that it is off limits whether the door is open or shut. He is usually pretty mindful of this. Like M above, I’m very thankful for the rules I set down years ago. Everywhere else is a common area, and there are some spaces set aside for almost entirely my son. His room and his desk are his. I only come in to tell him to clean it, to get him up in the morning, or when he is gone and I need to do some serious toy and clothes culling. While I wish the door and the walls were a little more sound proof, my son sleeps so soundly that he doesn’t wake up for anything. He is also very easily distracted. Keep ice cream in the freezer for when everything else fails.
April: Here’s hoping there are fewer times the kids need to be separated. Apartment living is a challenge.
M: Teaching kids to knock before entering …such a wonderful social skill that will so appreciated by others in the future. I applaud you!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I’ve had two relationships since my divorce and in each case my boyfriend would come over several nights a week, interact with me and the kids, have dinner and then sleep over. We would go to my room after the kids were down and close and lock the door. They knew he “slept” over and as they got older probably figured there was other activity going on as well. I try to be discreet and quiet. It’s a lot like being much younger and trying not to get busted by the parents!
MindyMom’s last blog post..Ex Drama…Queen
MindyMom: I had that “kid feeling”, too, hoping not to get “busted” by my kids. Feels all wrong!
Locking the door is an absolute must!
Thanks for mentioning the all important locked door.
I’ve been wondering about this, as it’s quickly becoming an issue. I go in the basement or outside to talk on the phone, so I guess we may have to get creative!
This is a duplicate comment with the “locked bedroom door” post. And for the record, I don’t have a functional door on our bedroom, let alone one with a doorknob, or a lock.
I don’t like any of these posts, not going to lie. I think maybe it’s a cultural difference about independence, privacy, etc. And maybe I’ll feel different when my little one is 4, 6, 8. At this point, she’s almost two, and we co-sleep. So my bedroom is not a child-free space. The guest bedroom also doubles as the playroom (both for her, and for me, ahem.) Yeah, I suppose the toys can be a mood-killer. Oh, fucking, well. I don’t have any other real options, if I’m going to have a sex life, period. No one wants to watch her at night because if she wakes up and I’m not there, she’s a hellian. There are three “bedrooms” in my house: the bedroom, the guest/play room, and my office. A bed wouldn’t fit in my office. So where is the child-free space supposed to be? I’m not kicking my kid out of my bed when we enjoy co-sleeping so much, just so I can have a “child-free space.”
I am not a single parent but for the record the “trying not to get busted” feeling is the same even if you are married! I still don’t want my kids to walk in on me!
Grace’s last blog post..Join me for my Mother’s Day Walk!
to LeAnna: you don’t need a bed to have sex *wink, wink*