How do you deal with a “playmate” parent?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Dads, Single Moms, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
A while back we posed the question:
Is “the other parent” a parent or a play mate?
You let us know loud and clear that many of you face this co-parenting challenge.
You’re frustrated and upset with realities like days without showering or tooth brushing, scary violent movies inappropriate for young kids, and a ceaseless diet of junk food.
And you were disappointed that we didn’t offer solutions to this co-parenting dilemma.
We hear you!
So, here’s how to help your kids have a healthier and happier time with the ” playmate parent” — and help you feel a bit saner in the process.
Let go of the small stuff. No two people are ever going to react exactly alike. Let go of the notion that your kids’ experiences will be the same with the other parent.
Teach your kids to ask for what they need. Many “playmate parents” simply don’t know how to parent. Even the basics. Teach your kids that it’s okay to ask the “other parent” to fill the bath tub, brush their hair, put toothpaste on the tooth brush, or to read a story rather than watch some hideous DVD.
Different rules are okay. Of course, your kids are going to behave differently on the playground than at the library. For example it’s not “wrong” to use the couch like a trampoline. It’s simply not acceptable in your home– and it’s totally acceptable at the other parent’s home. It’s a valuable life lesson to understand that rules change depending upon where you are.
Equip your kids for healthy choices. Send your kids with the “stuff” they need to take care of themselves. Provide things like toothbrushes, tooth paste, or a hair brush. And pack story books, healthy snacks, and homework supplies, if needed. Fun stuff like bubble bath and cheap foamy shaving cream encourage extra tub time.
Rehearse better options. Many “playmate parents” only feed their kids fast food. Fast food outlets do feature some health conscious choices. Teach your kids about alternative choices like grilled rather than fried chicken, fruit slices instead of artificial frozen junk, and water instead of soda. Practice ordering “healthy” at a fast food outlet so they are familiar with the healthier menu options. These “practices” increase the likelihood that kids will make those same choices when they are not with you.
Coping with a “play mate” co- parent is a huge challenge.
Likely, you’ve come up with your own effective coping strategies.
What tips and advice can you offer other parents facing this dilemma?
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Twitter @ TheMooksMum
I recently splurged on a family membership to our local museum. This way The Former Mr can take The Mook to the museum (at no cost to him). The food options there are healthy and it’s a lot more fun than sitting at home with a DVD.
bad mummy’s last blog post..Utopia
Bad mummy: What a wonderful idea. This could also be applied to zoos, children’s museums, and other kid friendly places where return visits are always welcome. And the food issues are also neatly resolved.
Truly, thank you for sharing this terrific suggestion.
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
My issue is the opposite, I want to be more of a play parent—but I’m not. My kid always wants me to play with her and most of the time I don’t want to. In fact, I get very annoyed with the request and always suggest that she call a friend–and then, what do you think happens next—I feel guilty! Que sera, sera!
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
The good thing about my ex is that he quickly realized he didn’t want to be a “playmate” parent. He wanted to be taken seriously in the role. Trust me there were moments when I had to jerk his chain a bit on stuff. I would say his biggest issue is that he doesn’t see the children are old enough to do things…he is very fearful about things with them and they get a bit annoyed. So I have to remind him that they are not babies, they can handle lots of things. UUggh.
lovebabz’s last blog post..TRUE LOVE TUESDAY: MORE OF LESS
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
I can totally relate! My daughter gains a pound a day eating anything anytime she wants; watches anything she wants on TV and stays up as late as she wants on her mom’s weekends. I call this the “Disneyland parent syndrome.”
So you would ask “How would you compete with that?” Well peer pressure is starting to kick in at school. After a few years of it, her friends give her a hard time about weight, clothes, tiredness, absences & tarties coming from Mom’s weekends.
Three things you have to realize: 1) You cannot parent to the other side; 2) Your kids really need YOU to be the parent, not necessarily their friend; 3) You can only teach & equip them to make good choices in a 3rd environment.
Making a big deal out of it or verbalizing to your kids your disappointment of your Ex’s choices makes things worse. I recommend teaching good habits away from the situation and your kids will figure it out in time.
Really a no win. If you play with your kids on the two days you get, they ridicule you, if you don’t, they say you are distant. I guess it depends on who is judging you.
I have found my ex-wife to be extremely controlling and I am more of a teacher. I like the children to understand why or why not. I believe it helps them in making future decisions, as opposed to my ex’s “Because I am your mother” routine. I am one who likes the beach, the zoo, Disneyland (yes, I said it) or any other darn place I want to have fun with my children, and I won’t let anyone stop me because they should labels at me. Label me what you will, my children respect and appreciate me. I have high expectations of them, but not unrealistic, whereas my ex-wife demands they follow pointless “rules” out of control.
Anything done to one extreme or the other is BAD. Don’t over-control, and don’t over-allow. It’s really very simple. Be the best parent you can be no matter what the other lame-o is doing. I promise, your kids will recognize the earned respect.