Finding your absent ex on Facebook?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Kids, Relationships, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
This is a familiar topic in our Singlemommyhood community.
You might remember an early conversation we had about posting your kids’ pictures on your online dating profile.
We also stirred up a bit of controversy chatting about badmouthing your ex online.
Of course, you know that Dr. Leah and I totally disagree about posting kids’ pictures on Facebook.
Let’s face it: the downside of Facebook — particularly how public you are — has gotten lots of play recently.
Dr. Leah chides me about it all the time!
For many of us, our “friends” have multiplied to include younger relatives, colleagues from work, and your newly tech savvy mom. Reports of wanton cavorting or weekends of over-indulgence may not be the smartest choice.
And, if you’ve been active on Facebook since its inception, there’s a fair amount of housekeeping to do as your job and relationship status inevitably change. It’s a chore and it can be a waste of time.
So, it was completely shocking when Dr. Leah excitedly buzzed me about a comment on our recent post about helping kids grieve a deliberately absent parent.
Dr. Leah was talking up Facebook!
In case you missed it, Single Mom Paying Off Debt wrote about finding pictures of her long-absent ex on his sister’s Facebook account. She knew her son was the spitting image of his father. But she’d never seen pictures of her ex when he was a youngster. She carefully copied these pictures – and she plans to share them with her son when she thinks it’s appropriate.
She felt as if she’d found another puzzle piece to help her son put his life story together at the proper time. Her story has inspired us to highlight the benefits of social media in our Singlemommyhood community. We’re curious:
Have any of you tried to find family pictures of your ex to show your kids when you think the time might be right?
How are you using social media to make life better for you and your kids?
We’d love to hear more from you.
(Facebook photo courtesy of Amit Gupta via Flickr)
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Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
Social media is a wonderful outlet for our kids, and for us. For a variety of reasons. Some overlap (connecting, sharing information), and some are different (professional aspects and more educational aspects for adults – the kind of sharing we do here).
My kids have their FB boundaries; I have mine. They do not read my blog, for example.
I do know my ex is on FB; I am also on FB, but with very limited “friends” and no visibility except to those friends.
I find that level of privacy appropriate. I also blog anonymously to have more freedom, and retain privacy for myself and my kids.
That said – this morning I’m delighted to say that my blog was featured on the WordPress home page! http://dailyplateofcrazy.wordpress.com/big-little-wolf-says-thank-you-wordpress/ And that’s pretty cool. Because to write without compensation is about love of writing, and also love of connecting. This sort of forum, here, is exactly what makes social media so powerful for so many of us. A place to speak and be heard. A place to listen and find solace. A place to connect, and find community.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Why women love baseball… movies
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
Social media is a mixed blessing for me. In my professional capacities, it’s a wonderful tool, but I find I have far too many ‘friends’ on Facebook who really should be fans of my organization, instead. I’m still noodling with the idea of creating (and then maintaining!) a fan page for Solomother.com
Personally? Facebook seems to bring more sorrow than joy. It was painful to suddenly extricate myself from my boyfriend of a year when that relationship went sour in the click of an email. And then unfriending all his friends who had become mine. And the Twitter accounts. and the GoodReads. And the Gmail Chat. and and and
I’ve watched old friends hook up and have affairs because of Facebook. And let’s not forget the fact that there are people from our past who, for good or ill, are obsessed with us. and they can find us on Facebook.
Ah well. Life is nothing but interesting right now.
Solomother´s last blog ..Applying to college: Part two
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
I don’t understand the “benefit” of showing your kids baby pics of their absent parent. It seems to me like those pics are more fodder for infatuation and confusion for your child.
If and when the child and parent reconnect, they may stroll down memory lane, but I don’t think it is the job of the present parent to go hunting down the past of your ex so that you and your child can walk down a memory lane that neither of you belong to. I truly do not see the benefit.
Samantha´s last blog ..Thumbsucking
I agree with Samantha. I do believe in maybe a picture of when you were together just to know what he looks like. But pictures of him and his first bike…..I don’t think so. If you are not involved in his life then don’t torture your child with memories that neither of you can connect with. Make ur own. You have to understand that you are enough for that child.
Janelle and Samantha: Rachel and I both understand where you’re coming from, especially about the importance of new memories.
This mother plans to hold onto these photos — in safe keeping — with the idea that perhaps, someday, her child might ask about his father and simply be curious.
Of course, he may never ask to see photos, and they’ll remain out of sight. But many kids — as they get older — DO ask, and it’s often hard when they have no image of that absent parent… That was my experience with “my babies” – now grown-up. Both my kids were simply curious about what their father looked like as a kid. I kept those pictures tucked away for many years until they asked.
I think that all of the people who commented above, have both parents present. It seems to me you wouldn’t make comments like this if you had. Do you know what it is like, not being able to know where you come from. What your parent looked like. Questioning, every habit or move you make, wondering if it is a part of that person. I have waited 20 years to know what my father looked like. 20 years. I was going to hire a private dective, and now thanks to the wonders of Facebook, I don’t have to. I say you should wait for the appropriate time yes, but your children are going to want to know where they came from eventually, and now they will be able to know.
Rheanon: We’re glad you were helped by Facebook. You’ve helped a lot of single parents by sharing your story. Thank you.