Single dad wonders about Thanksgiving drama. Help!
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Single Dads, Tips & Advice
“My ex and I alternate holidays,” he explains. “Our parenting time schedule for Thanksgiving begins on Thanksgiving Day at noon.
“Last year, I had a wonderful day planned with my brother’s family. But when I picked up the boys — who are six and seven — at noon, I discovered that my ex and the rest of her crazy family had already celebrated Thanksgiving with a complete turkey dinner served at 10:00 a.m.”
“My ex looked smugly triumphant. And deservedly so. After all, it’s an ‘achievement’ to begin to cook a turkey dinner at 3:00 a.m. – and to strong-arm a bunch of adults to consume a million calories when normal people just want another cup of coffee.”
This single dad went on to say that he pretended that everything was okay and left with the boys, who were sleepy, cranky, and stuffed. And, just to make the situation worse, one of the boys got carsick.
All he kept thinking (but holding back from saying out loud!) was that his ex-wife and her entire family were far crazier than he ever realized.
This single dad is seriously second guessing how he handled last year’s “turkey drama.”
So, he’s asking you for your advice:
He’s now worried that his silence might set have the stage for escalated holiday antics with his ex. Did he handle last year’s “turkey drama” the right way?
Or, should he have confronted his ex and her family right then and there?
Oh, and this Thanksgiving? It’s her turn to pick up the boys from his home at noon….
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Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
They only way for this dad to discern if this year’s thanksgiving might go with equal (selfish) glitches from the ex is to look at her behavior as a whole.
Was this consistent scheming from her? In the year since, have there been other instances when she’s pulled a fast one, and the better part of valor in keeping silent (for the kids) came from him?
I don’t know that there are easy answers. If she hasn’t pulled too much since then, perhaps his reserve was the right thing to do. If she has, however, then he might want to consider saying something beforehand and making all the arrangements regarding meals, logistics, etc. crystal clear.
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Is your comfort zone holding you back?
Twitter @ tailgatingtimes
I totally know this story. We used to split Thanksgiving day between my mom’s house and my dad’s house every year. It started out with lunch at mom’s and dinner at dad’s but every year they kept making dinner earlier and earlier. The kicker was that my mom is an incredible cook and we insisted she cook us dinner before we went to dad’s because we liked her food better.
I will say though that 10am is a bit early to eat dinner. I’m not really a fan of splitting the actual holiday for that very reason. I can’t enjoy the day because I’m either waiting for them to get here or I’m missing them after they leave.
Two Thanksgiving dinners is hard on kids but a lot of times there are favorite foods or traditions in one house they don’t have in the other. We hated leaving my mom every year and finally as an adult we started celebrating holidays on different days with different families.
Steve´s last blog ..“Draft Choice” Caramelized Apples with Chocolate Sauce
No matter how much you feel that you’ve been wronged, you should ALWAYS take the high road and treat your ex with the utmost respect and kindness. Hopefully, that person will reciprocate later, but if not, at least you are setting the right example for your children.
Anyone who thinks “an eye for an eye” is the best method, needs to stop blaming the other person for all their problems.
Does the holiday have to be split? If it’s not working I would suggest having a revision made so the holidays are alternated. So the kids can spend an entire day with 1 parent & actually enjoy being with family. Or see if you can come to a mutual agreement (this only works if you have a good relationship with the ex) that the kids will eat dinner with only one that picks them up at noon. The other can plan a special TG breakfast. Talk to her before TG comes and see if that would work. If not then consider a revision to your holiday schedule.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
That’s a great question re: Does the holiday have to be split? Thanksgiving really seems to cause tension for many families — when it comes to wanting it all, doesn’t it?
Thanks for the great suggestions here!
We’d love to hear how other divorced parents do Thanksgiving!
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
Oh, that just sucks. Although I have had things like this happen to me. I just grin and bare it and when it’s my turn. I follow the rules. Keeping the high road, just makes it better for my kids and for myself.
on confronting the Ex? Well that would of been bad, as she had family to back her up. You would of been toast. It’s good to be strong, but pick your battles.
Travis´s last blog ..Leave Me One More Weekend
Twitter @ FullCustodyDad
This is not a battle worth fighting and you should plan accordingly. I have the following two suggestions:
1) Who says you have to celebrate on the actual day? I have had Halloween parties on Saturday October 24th, Christmas on December 27th and birthday parties weeks before or after. Learn to plan accordingly. In fact, since I don’t have my daughter this Thanksgiving (our order allow for a complete flip flop), we are celebrating Thanksgiving Day tomorrow. Seriously! We are up in Columbus with family cooking a turkey with the entire trimmings. Who said Thanksgiving has to be on a certain day?
2) When there are events on the same day, like your Thanksgiving; I would schedule the meal as far away from the drop off as possible. If your kids haven’t eaten, I would had a light lunch and schedule the Thanksgiving dinner for 7p. I never, never, never schedule anything near exchange time, and when possible I push things to the next morning.
For example: Our Christmas exchange is on Dec 26 (moving to Dec 27th this year). Kids arrive at noon. Guess what? We don’t open gifts. It’s our Christmas Eve, we’ll celebrate OUR Christmas the following day. Always works better and the kids get the joy of waiting!
Be creative, but don’t engage in these stupid petty games. Take the high road!
Fred
PS. Take them to breakfast on Thanksgiving day (don’t stuff them) and tell the kids to enjoy a great meal with mom later.
Fred Campos / FullCustodyDad´s last blog ..“Does Your Daughter Have Dad Hair?” Book Review
Shenalyn: That’s the heart of the dilemma this single dad faced. Thanksgiving was alternated yearly, but his ex chose to feed the kids ahead of his holiday celebration with his family. Thanksgiving breakfast with the parent not celebrating the turkey feast with the kids is a great suggestion.
Travis: We’re all about the high road, too. Thanks for adding to the conversation.
FullCustodyDad: As we have come to expect, practical suggestions from a super dad. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving – tomorrow!
Twitter @ MsV1959
Drama is not accepting what *is*.
Believe me, this Dad will be better off if he can simply accept the moment.
If his kids are stuffed, you go to Plan B. There’s always Plan B, and that’s our job…to have a backup. His kids are stuffed? Guess what? We can go to a movie or play SORRY, or can chill in front of the TV with relatives.
Plan B rocks. It’s the key to being a single parent.
When all else fails, punt…and give no mind to what the other one does…even if they’re an asshat.
You smile and grab a deck of cards. I guarantee the kids will not remember where they had the dinner. They’ll remember the time they spent with YOU.
Make it a good one.
~Ms V.
Ms.V´s last blog ..Friday, Post Half
Twitter @ swatibharteey
Oh I am so sorry to hear this; obviously the kids suffer as 1 parent is smug and the other is shocked. I think you did the right thing – there’s no point in giving her the satisfaction…and honestly your boys are old enough to know that their mom’s behavior is not nice. As they get older, they will say something to her (I have a few friends with stories like this one) – and you won’t have to say anything. In fact, one (now married) single dad’s oldest son actually got so tired of his mother’s antics, he refuses to stay there overnight now.
My ex husband still pulls stuff like this (and I’ve been divorced for 6 years) and I never talk about it – aside from sympathizing with her feelings when she says she is upset. She knows the scoop and I haven’t had to point it out to her about it.
I say go with the flow too, let the boys lay on the couch and digest while everyone is eating if they don’t want to sit at the table a 2nd time…let your home be the place where they can relax and not be hassled.
Wish you well –
Swati Bharteey
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Talk to Your Kids About Working and Why It’s Important (Secret 5: Balancing Work and Single Motherhood
Twitter @ writingtosanity
I’m a little late to the game on this one, but I wanted to chime in really quick.
Past experiences have proven to me that you can’t change a person, no matter how hard you try. My ex-mother-in-law used to invite us over for dinner and, when we’d arrive, the rest of the family had already started eating without us… even when we were EARLY! It was like she would tell us to be there at 5, but she’d have dinner ready at 4 for everyone else. Gah! It was so tacky – and FRUSTRATING!
What I’ve realized over the years is that if someone “screws” with you, fight all temptations to speak harsh words and don’t entertain thoughts of “eye for an eye”. (For me, that’s the hardest part… I want to slap the crap out of people sometimes!!) Instead, think about what you’ll do different NEXT time.
Desiree´s last blog ..And so we begin