How do you tell a *man* you’re a single mom?
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Featured, Single Moms
This is exactly the question that Kate, pictured above, a fellow blogger and valued neighbor @Singlemommyhood, asked this week. Here’s what’s going on:
A few months ago, Kate was out of town for work when she met up with some friends in the evening. It was a rare night out to herself and she was having a great time when a nice-looking guy started to chat with her. “I ended up giving my number to this guy, who was also from out of town. He was really cute, and I was pleasantly surprised when he texted me!”
“We’ve actually kept in touch, just a quick text message here and there to see if our work/travel plans will cross paths. I have family in the city that he’s from, so I hinted that I’d love to grab dinner or a drink with him the next time I’m in town.”
So, what’s the problem? “I don’t think he knows I have a son,” she says. “I’m not at all embarrassed about my single mom status, and it’s usually the first thing I tell a guy when he shows interest in me. It’s also not generally something I have to worry about telling people because I live in a really small town and everyone already knows.”
Up until now, most of their conversations have been via text. “I haven’t held off from mentioning my son because I’m afraid of what he’ll think,” she explains.” I just don’t know if I throw it in a text — or wait until we actually meet to tell him.”
So, thanks for helping Kate out. She wonders: Should she give this guy the head’s up about her single mom status before they meet?… Or wait?
She’d appreciate any advice you might have. If you’re dating, do you always tell the guy that you’re a single mom — right off the bat?… Or, do you wait?
Is there an ideal way on a date to bring up the fact that you’re a single mom?
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Twitter @ aljolynn
I’m all for sharing my motherhood status right off the bat because I don’t want to put up with someone who isn’t going to accept all aspects of my life. Though she has a point, it’s awkward to share that you’re a single parent via text and perhaps she just didn’t have a moment to tell the fella that she was when they met. I think it’s totally fine to mention that she’s a single mom if they meet up again. No harm in that.
Restless Mama´s last blog ..Puzzel(ed)
Twitter @ tashsparkles
It sounds like you haven’t done anything wrong, and you haven’t purposely mislead him. And you’re right, you do need to tell him. If I were you, I’d make sure to drop it into the conversation the next time it would make sense to mention your son. And if he seems shocked, I’d tell him what you emailed: you’re from a small town and used to everyone knowing about your son.
Twitter @ BrerMatt
While things are text only, I think it’s fine not to tell him. You don’t really know much about him either, right? Maybe he’s a single dad…
Wait for a real conversation and let it come up naturally. Don’t force it.
Twitter @ runpippi
I agree with both Restless Mama and Natasha. I would be hesitant to text this info…definitely do it in person. You want him to see you and connect with you. If he is in to you, he will be in to you whether or not you are a single mother. A good guy would not let that deter him, I think, I hope! I do have to add…can’t guys pick up the phone these days?
Pippi´s last blog ..Just Kidding
I totally agree with BrerMatt. Wait for things to unfold naturally. I would not wait for too long but then again I would not necessarily text him either. Follow your heart and your gut. Good luck!!
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
I generally tell them right off the bat. Only because it’s a major let down if you wait, get attached, and then get blown off because you say you have a kid.
I usually try to just bring it up casually, if it’s someone that may not know. I say things like, “That sounds great, let me just get things squared away with my kids for the night.”
Or my favorite is: A man, “So why are so single?”
Me, “The idea of me having two little kids running around can sometimes scare you guys away.”
Being kind of lighthearted about about it, seems to make the idea of me being a single mom not as intimidating. I think it makes the guys realize that while yes, I’m a mom, I still like to have a social life.
Anyway. I would definitely bring it up in casual conversation. Make just something like, “So when we get together, can we meet at “this” time? I need to get my son ready for the night.”
Jenni´s last blog ..This Is How It Feels
I also tell them fairly early. In this context, I think it best to wait for a real phone conversation or meeting up in person, not that it has to be a big deal. In this context, I personally would worry if I waited too long, giving him the impression that I was holding back or fearful of scaring him off. So, if the texts continue on, I would just up and call him.
Guys that I’ve casually dated (and male friends in my life) have a lot of respect for single moms. They are impressed by what we go through and how we raise our children, and they wouldn’t flinch about our single mom status. If the guy even hints otherwise, he’s not worth dating in the first place.
Twitter @ freshstartdad
The conversation shouldn’t be forced; it should be something that easily comes up in conversation, be it text, phone or in person.
I’m interested though in why it hadn’t come up already. I’m sure everyone deals with the initial meeting someone in their own way, but I would think there would be some form of “tell me about yourself”. If there hasn’t been an expressed interest in the other person, then what kind of relationship is the person interested in?
Not voluntarily giving the information isn’t a problem, but I’m concerned that the right questions weren’t being asked.
Fresh Start Dad´s last blog ..Special Fathers’ Day Wishes
Twitter @ swatibharteey
Hi
I don’t think you did anything wrong as communicating over text is so different from email or talking live. Still, I would, in the next text about what you are up to, mention that you are taking your son for a walk or something. That gives him the opportunity to ask you more about your son – or choose not (which will tell you more…)
Let’s face it – 98% of you is a momma and the guy should know it.
Have a great time – Swati
Swati´s last blog ..Chapter Six: Maddie, The Lady in the Red Coat
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
Huh…all I ever talk about is my kid…she is my whole world. But then again, what do I know…I don’t date
singlemama_cc´s last blog ..We’re going to Walk, Run and Hope for @theloveofliz
Twitter @ BuddyNotes
I would tell him now. I think it’d be easier to just get it out there. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. It just hasn’t come up. But I would bring it up. My thought would be why do the face to face if he’s not cool with it? You do have to do what’s right for you but for me that would be to get it out there now – even if it had to be through text.
Tracy´s last blog ..Time Saving Tips from Conscientious Moms
Twitter @ _katarena_
Thanks for all of your advice.
Just to let y’all know, we don’t even text regularly. He lives about 3 hours from me & I have family there. He & I also have friends in another town so we basically just send out a quick text to see if the other is going to be in town at the same time for a possible meet up.
Kate´s last blog ..Thursday Randoms: Volume II
Twitter @ CulminatingLife
I’ve had it happen both ways. And to be honest, hearing after all the txting and when your finally in person, was a good way. But the girl I’m dating, she facebook friend me, and let me ask about her girls who were in the picture, and I really liked that. It was nice, smooth, and rolled into conversation, after she asked what I thought of the pictures.
So there is that.
Travis´s last blog ..It’s Going To Get Crazy- It’s Going To Get Hazy
This is more of an issue of developing an internet or in this case text messaging relationship prior to developing a face-to-face relationship. In an upfront personal meeting, our heroine would have mentioned her motherhood immediately. The trappings of a cyber relationship. Cut the text and meet for that drink.
Brian: Welcome. We hear you. Texting is no substitute for a real conversation. Thanks for chiming in.
Twitter @ KTsdivamom
I always tell guys up front. This is very important for me to see what they can handle up front. Plus I’m really busy and have very little time for dating so I want the guy to understand my son is first priority.
Kerissa´s last blog ..Wicked Wednesday
Twitter @ Heatherbelle4
I am single working mom with 4 kids. It’s a weird tightrope walk mom by day and a potential lover by night. Dating with kids is a new frontier but with more 2nd marriages in America then 1st it is becoming the norm. I wrote my own cure and covered many of these issues in our book Everything you always wanted to know about Ex. Ex is any former spouse, lover, fling or “friend”. As a child of a toxic divorce and now in my own I needed guidance and was shocked to find it was not out there. So as a writer and designer I wrote it and interviewed hundreds of people. Love the blog. Glad I stumbled onto you. hb
With four kids, I find the prospect of dating to be a daunting task in andof itself. I have my middle full time so they would be tough to hide. Then again, fear of being hurt keeps my guard up and my heart closed….for now anyway!
Heather: We’re glad you stumbled upon us, too. Welcome. We agree … balancing it all can seem like a long walk on a weird tightrope. But, our readers are conscientious parents who manage to do it all (at least most of the time) with grace, dignity, and wit.
Debbie: Everyone needs to decide on their own when they’re *ready*. Most of us have nursed a broken heart or two (or more). We understand. So glad you dropped by. Do visit us again soon.
It really all depends on your what your gut is telling you,and here is why. As a single mom you are vulnerable at least most men will see you that way. I say go on a few dates (at least one) and feel him out, get to know him a bit. Now if he happens to ask tell him the truth. if not but he seems normal and nice tell him when the time feels right. If he turns out to be a lunatic don’t tell him and do stop dating him.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommymakinit.wordpress.com
I would mention it by text for sure. I’ve got a very upfront policy with guys and mentioning my little one. I’ve been worried in the past that it would scare them off too quickly but if they really like you or are the mature family-minded kind of guy you want to be with anyway they will still want to date you. If they aren’t able to handle it – best you get out now before you have a whizzy date and then it all falls flat… Good luck to you sista!
Single Mommy Makin It: Welcome and thanks for chiming in. Getting your single mom status out there right away definitely weeds out the guys not interested in family and commitment.
Twitter @ _katarena_
Thanks to everyone for the advice. I ended up just texting him & told him. He seemed pretty cool about it at first but then I pretty much stopped hearing from him. Oh well. I’m glad I found out now rather than later.
Kate´s last blog ..30 by 30
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Kate: Thanks so much for chiming in on the outcome. We hope you’ll keep us in touch, and we know that you’re a catch!
Single moms, do you agree it’s best that Kate found out now (rather than later) about this guy’s red flags?
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
Oh, it’s DEFINITELY better that she found out now, and not after getting more involved. It sucks that it turned out that way, but hey.. there will always be someone better, who accepts EVERYTHING about you!
Jenni´s last blog ..Long Distance Parenting
Twitter @ http://cantitbeabout.me
Great update! After receiving a call from a man I met at a bar, I texted him noting that I was 32 and divorced with 2 sons. His response was that he was 29 with a daughter. We’ve been together ever since and I’m glad I didn’t waste any of that “new guy” excitement on someone who wasn’t interested.
Just D´s last blog ..Is It the Wine or PMS
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Just D: We love hearing a POSITIVE response to telling a man that you’re a single mom. Thank you!
Twitter @ http://www.howdoesshedoitmom.com
knew that I was a single mom to two beautiful children.
I am going to be completely honest here..after being a single mom for two years and dating some I always handled this the exact same way…HONESTY! Every man I ever dated (or you know just played with
After the road I traveled with my ex-husband (emotional and verbal abuse) I had no intention on settling for anyone less than the man who would love me and my kids as his own. If that meant he didn’t want to date me seriously well then that was the case. After making the hardest decision of my life to leave my ex so that my kids would not live a life of a father who was mean to their mom and a mom who cried all the time I was not about to mess it up by settling on anyone who was not invested.
My kids never met any of the guys I dated…the one and only one that they met was Brian..their now wonderful step-father and my fiancée who fits the bill in more ways than i could ever have asked for!
So I say…honesty best policy here.
Carrie Campbell´s last blog ..NEW – Home-Hair-Care-Treatment!!
I am so glad I found you wonderful site. I have been divorced now for going on a year now and it has been the best year of my life. Although I work several jobs to support my two kids, I am very grateful as I feel like I can support my kids without asking help from anyone.
My huge dilemma right now is that although I know it is so so wrong, I have started a relationship with a married man. I have been trying to figure out why I am doing this as I know in my heart it can be damaging to his wife whom I don’t even know. I only see him when my kids are with their Dad and I have no intention of every introducing them to him. I also know that I have no intention of asking this man to leave his wife as I feel like I am only in this relationship for the physically satisfaction and nothing more. He knows this and I know this. My kids and my work are my priority and I feel like this is just a perfect understanding as there are no strings attached. I have lived my whole life in believing in God and doing the right thing and now I feel like I should renounce my belief in God as I am being a hypocrite….With my group of girlfriends I am known as the one who always has everything under control and I always do the right things. I have even helped a few of my gals themselves go thru messy divorces with men who cheated on them and now I am doing this. I cannot even share this relationship with any of with my girlfriends in fear that they will judge me. I know I need to end this now but for the first time in my life I am not sure I want to yet. This is all so confusing especially when there is no one to talk to.