Single mom getting remarried. Advice, please
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Relationships, Tips & Advice
We both admit that we get weepy at weddings, and love the fact that the ceremony includes a line that goes: “This is not just the beginning of a marriage, but the beginning of a new family.”
GreckPeckFan is beyond-excited, but she’s also nervous about the big changes that lie ahead. Here’s why:
“My kids and I making another huge transition, and I could really use your advice. I was married to a man whom I’d met in college. During our marriage, he relapsed into addiction after 10+ years of being sober. It was a very fast downward spiral, which ended in a note that he left on our kitchen counter one afternoon, that said: ‘I no longer desire a family.’ “
In the meantime, she and her kids transitioned into a single parent family “like some kind of jarring traffic accident. It has been surreal: in one full swoop, he gave me sole custody of our kids (who were both under age five), as well as our business and our home. As you can imagine, we’ve been dealing with this change over the past few years have been a growing process.”
Along the way however, she met an amazing man, whom we’ll refer to as ‘M:
“My son was so young when we started to date, and he took to M. right away,” she says. “My daughter missed her father terribly, so it has taken time for them to bond. But M. is quiet, gentle, dependable, and steady. He has no children of his own, and he was raised by his step-father after his own father split town. So, he has a unique appreciation for this journey from both sides.”
So, what is she worried about?
“The kids and I have a very tight bond — the kind of dynamics you see in any single parent family. M. will be moving in when we get married. He’s very caring and hands on. But we’ve never lived together. Up until now, it was the three of us against the world.
Indeed, their wedding is just a month away.
So, what advice can you give this single mom to help her kids and M. make their transition to “family”?
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Take a deep breath GPF and enjoy your new partner in life. I can speak from experience. Although I never discussed it, I had sole custody of my 3 children since 2000. It was the 4 of us against the world. Sound familiar. Very close and tight unit. Very very little contact with ex.
I kid that an amazing woman saw me, my three and my minivan and said “Thats my guy, No baggage there!” LOL
We were married last August. She is amazing with my kids and very supportive like your new man. You will never loose that closeness. Deep down, you will always feel like a single parent (not in a bad way). Sometimes you will disagree and you will just do it your way because your single parent gene kicks in. But, the good news, is there are times you are thrilled to have someone else to bounce things off off and discuss. He will give you a view you couldn’t see. Your kids will need some time and patience. They didn’t ask for a new dad so don’t force them to think of him in that way. What happens, is over time, he will become the dad figure making dad decisions. He will become the “dad” role and they will come to respect his opinions as if they are your own.
The first sign that I knew the tables had turned? My youngest daughter started to ask my wife before coming to me! Kind of testing the waters.
The biggest advice I can give your new husband, is to not have him make decisions too soon in your new life without involving you in the discussion. This is a sure way to have you feel some resentment and “these are my kids” mentality.
Congrats! You will not lose the closeness to your kids. The bond you forged being the person they depended on over the years is one of those unique “benefits” of being a single parent.
shooting from the hip here,
make a list of why you are getting married and becoming a family..
do this together and maybe post it.
During hard times here is your reminder
go slow
have a regularly scheduled date night which means no kid talk
have the new dad have date nights with the kids without you (when ready)
not only bonding and learning but great role-modeling on how to act on a date
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Thank you SO much @Barry and @ Judy!! Absolutely right-on advice!
Especially this, Barry: “…not have him make decisions too soon in your new life without involving you in the discussion.”
And Judy: “Have a regularly scheduled date night, which means no kid talk.”
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
CONGRATULATIONS!
Embrace love! There is only love or fear. Choose LOVE! CHOOSE LOVE! CHOOSE LOVE! The day-to-day stuff is important…where the dishes go, when to do laundry, when the kids go to bed. Just remember GOD sent you to him and him to you because you are ready.
The opposite of love is not hate…but indifference. Let love rule. Don’t lose site of the fact that you are two individuals deciding to be connected…and in love.
Wishing you ALL THE BEST THE WORLD HAS TO OFFER!
Twitter @ http://anniegirl1138.wordpress.com
Discuss parenting rules and expectations before the big move. It’s not a good idea for parents to contradict each other in front of the children or allow them to play one off the other. So having rules and checking in with each other is a must.
It’s hard to hand over one of the reigns when you’ve been doing it yourself for a while. You will sometimes feel as though your partner is being too tough or too soft. Everything will work out as long as you present a united front and your kids know that they are loved by both of you.
Establishing a safety net that the children will feel they can rely on without question takes time, but it can and does happen.
Just breathe. Don’t forget to talk to each other as mind reading is a Hollywood movie thing. Be happy!
I think Barry mentioned one (amidst a bunch of others) very important point that I’ll reiterate: It’s OK to feel like a single parent even after you’re married.
This rings so true for me. I’ve been married twice and post-2nd-divorce, had a four year LTR that ended nearly a year ago.
I always felt like a single parent at times. Me and mine against the world. You will feel this way forever and it’s OK.
Having said that, I do believe that working with a family therapist who understands the complex dynamics of a blended family can help everyone in GPF’s family adjust, learn, and adapt to their changing environment and help your new family become its own special entity.
Many warm wishes for GPF.
Twitter @ http://coparenting101.org/
So much good advice has already been given! I will just add the well-worn saying: Sometimes, less is more. As GPF and her kids have the emotional freedom to evolve into this new space at their own pace, the more authentic and comfortable it will be for everyone. I like the idea of M having outings with the kids, but don’t discount the little emotional shifts and victories that can be happening beneath the surface of their day to day life together.
GregPeckFan,
First of all, congratulations! You’ve been on an interesting road with many challenges and seem to be making your way through it. Finding a good person to walk your walk with you is special indeed. I am very happy for you.
I can understand your nervousness about becoming a new family. M sounds like he will be an understanding person with whom you can easily communicate with about any concerns you have after moving in together. First and foremost, this is your biggest asset! Next to that, though, it would benefit you to know where your children stand with regard to healing their hearts from the loss of their biological father. They may or may not be ready to “share” you with somebody else. Regardless of how understanding M is, “sharing” could have its challenges with M as well as the kids.
Also, discipline should be discussed with M – what roles and responsibilities you expect from him and what he is comfortable with. Some of these may be different than what your children are used to. If so, you will also have to talk with your children about these changes. The last thing you want is for your children to blame any changes on M. Therefore, the discussion with your children should include an explanation that different is not bad or wrong, that changes to accommodate M’s preferences & values is simply the right way to include him as part of the family. This doesn’t mean that he will replace their bio father, but that he should be respected and listened to because he is an adult authority figure.
After you get married and live together, you may need to support his ‘different’ values and ideas out loud to the kids, but then privately work through values and ideals that are contradictory to your family.
Always remember that there is help available for stepfamilies – help from people who have personal experience in a stepfamily and who has worked with stepfamilies. Hence, you will always have an avenue to get more advice and consult an expert. This was merely a starting-out guide to put you in the right direction.
Good luck! Again, congratulations on finding a good man!
Judy Graybill
Stepfamily Coach
Sensible Steps
Solutions for Today’s Families
http://www.sensiblestepsolutions.com
http://sensiblesteps.blogspot.com
judy@sensiblestepsolutions.com
407-739-4892
Skype: judygraybill
Twitter:http://www.twitter.com/StepfamilyCoach
Rachel, just found this post today and read it — and the comments — in earnest. My situation is different in that my ex is involved in our kids’ lives (we share/split custody 50-50), but I’m still trying to figure some things out about our new family situation. J. has really let the kids direct how they want to interact with him, and it has been wonderful to see how it has already involved. That said, it WILL be different when he’s living with us in a few months. Will be interesting!
GPF – best wishes next month and for a wonderful life with M. You deserve it — and your kids will benefit by seeing you model a loving, respectful relationship.