I’m worried about my child’s future relationship choices
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Parents, Tips & Advice
Solo Dad recently asked Dr. Leah this thoughtful question through Twitter:
“I wonder about my son’s future relationship choices and how they will be affected by the role his mother plays in his life.”
A bit of background here: Solo Dad has sole custody of his son, who’s in middle school.
Likely, “wonder” means “worry”– big time.
We understand.
Here’s what Dr. Leah, aka “The Sanity Fairy,” has to say:
This is the “real worry” for many of us: Will my child make the same mistake(s) I did?
Is my kid fated to marry an alcoholic, a substance abuser, a notorious womanizer/manizer, or make some other disastrous relationship choice simply because Mom or Dad was one of the above or some other dire combination?
Like most of the things we worry about . . . well, the energy could be better spent.
Most often, kids who have witnessed and, yes, suffered from the effects of a parent’s boorish, unpredictable, or downright dangerous behavior actually strive not to make the same relationship choices. While much of what they have experienced may have been emotionally painful, it definitely has also been unappealing.
Our kids are searching for a different path.
Here are a few thoughts to mull over as you help your kids find that different path.
Ask for the help you need. For the record, Solo Dad provides therapy for his son – bravo!
As a parent, you may not be able to deal most effectively with feelings and issues related to the other parent. Talk to a psychologist — we’re people experts.
Your private life is your business. But, if your kids struggle with a parent who routinely disappoints, confuses, or scares them, consider keeping your dating life separate from your kids. All grown-up relationships have an element of drama; your kids may have experienced enough adult chaos already or may simply feel overwhelmed by the emotional turmoil the other parent continues to supply.
Friends? – Of course. Your kids will benefit from making your home a place where people gather. Your kids will learn a lot just seeing grown-ups having fun, talking, and joking without whatever their other parent does which makes a social situation spin out of control.
And, here’s the tough part. There is no grand life lesson. Things that stick with our kids forever are the sum total of what happens in little bits every day.
It’s our steady and dependable efforts that give our kids the best shot at future happiness. Things like a regular routines for bedtime, consistent family rules, and predictable consequences when these rules are not honored are all part of these steady and dependable efforts.
Do Solo Dad’s concerns sound familiar? Do you also worry about your child’s future relationships?
If you have similar concerns, let’s hear them!
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Dr. Leah,
Thanks for much for covering this. Like most solo-parents, I ‘wonder’ way too much about whether Little Elvis will make the same choice I did (i.e. a disastrous relationship choice) or whether he will learn from the examples. I’m more reassured after reading this post.
No wonder you’re a Solo-Dad fave!
Barry
Thanks for talking about this! My biggest concern is how to teach my daughters to value marriage as a permanent commitment, when my own didn’t turn out that way. I wanted to work things out with my husband, but he didn’t. But I don’t want to point the finger at him when talking about it to my daughters. I feel like I’m in a Catch 22.
I have similar worries, but my concerns are based more on the fact that my son is suffering–most likely–from RAD. He was a foster child I adopted and has been with me since he was 11. He’s going on 17, and I’m still not seeing him form “sound” relationships with others.
It’s possible that he never will, but I can’t help but think there’s something more I can be doing to help him.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Thanks to all of you for your thoughtful comments. Lex, I hear you about feeling like you’re in a Catch 22. And Don, I’ve lurked on your blog before, so it’s a pleasure to get your comment here!
Just the fact that all of you are conscious about relationships — and how your children are relating to others — is SO big. You sound like incredibly conscious parents. Bravo.
Anyone else have concerns like this?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Of course I worry about my daughter’s future relationship choices. I myself – through therapy – know that many of my choices were based on what was modeled to me growing up; what I considered “normal”.
That said, I know my own girl’s fathers haven’t been very positve male role models in how they treat me, but also in how they have treated them. I hope they recognize that and strive for something better when the time comes.
Thanks for the tips!
Twitter @ http://www.ptlawmom.com
Oh, yes. I received a comment on my blog this weekend that kind of smacked me in the face (in a good way) about what I should and should not put up with from my ex, and also in a dating context. Appropriate timing since I had a crappy-ass Valentine’s Day and was basically disregarded and made to feel uncared for. I don’t want my kid to think that he should have to settle for that or always be chasing after people to make them like him. So I’m going to start standing up for myself (I hope). I am a strong, fun, smart, sexual, friendly, fun woman. I want to bring good friends, good people, and good role models into my son’s life. Time to get started!
Twitter @ Singlemommyhood
PT-LawMom: We’re rooting for you!
MinyMom: We do wish our kids to strive for more and I’m convinced they will.
I’m too busy fretting over my own relationship choices to worry too much about my children’s.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I used to worry about this a lot, but I totally agree with everything you’ve stated here. I’ll admit, I’m a mom, so I still worry about it every now and then, but I believe that they will learn to leave an unhealthy relationship if necessary and that they can be happy alone, and hold out for something that is true love.
As Sondheim says, “careful the things you do, children will see and learn.” They learn more from my actions than my words. So as long as I keep myself okay, they’ll learn how to do the same.
(and yeah, therapy helps a lot!)
April’s last blog post..X Chronicles continued
I’ve put together a very useful and responsible list for my child’s future here: http://www.ohshitimadad.com/2009/06/my-sons-future.html
Drake
Drake Studebake’s last blog post..My son’s future