My kid doesn’t need to meet my new girlfriend
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
“A couple of months ago, I started dating a woman whom I met at the gym, and I think I’m falling hard for her,” begins an email we recently received from a divorced dad of one.
Great! So, what’s the problem?
Well, this dad has always vowed to keep his parenting and dating lives separate — and for the past few years, he has done a great job. But now that his daughter is 11, she’s becoming oh-so-perceptive. Although his parenting time is limited — he only sees his daughter every other weekend — she recently “caught” him talking on the phone with the new girlfriend.
“Who were you talking to, Daddy?” she wanted to know.
This Dad was honest and told his tween daughter that he had a “new lady friend.” But he was caught off guard by what his daughter said next:
“I want to meet her, Daddy.”
Gulp.
This single dad has very strong feelings about NOT introducing his child to his new girlfriend. For one, they’ve only been dating for a couple of months.
“It’s my decision to keep my dating separate from my parenting life,” he goes on. “But I can’t help but feel a little guilty about saying ‘no” to my daughter’s request. What should I do?”
~~~
So, what should he do?… Dr. Leah, aka The Sanity Fairy, offers this advice: “Perhaps his confession of a “lady friend” was not honest as much as unnecessarily candid. If his daughter has been unaware that Dad has a dating life, this sudden disclosure was likely a bit upsetting. Drawing a boundary between his parenting life and dating activities likely feels a bit disingenuous since Dad probably insists upon meeting his daughter’s friends.
The good news is that the overheard phone call has opened up the conversation between Dad and his daughter.
This conscientious dad should now simply tell his daughter that he wants to keep his dating life separate from his relationship with her. He should reassure his daughter that, if the relationship with this woman ever gets serious, of course, she’ll get an opportunity to meet her. And he will greatly value her opinion.
Do you agree with this dads’ choice of NOT introducing his daughter to his girlfriend?
Or is Dad setting an unhealthy example of secrecy that will likely backfire?
(Photo courtesy of missingitaly)
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Twitter @ Cat8040
I agree with him on not introducing his girlfriend and daughter until he feels the relationship is ready. However I think he should be more open. Don’t hide phone calls and things like that. He should explain that he likes his girlfriend and enjoys time with her, but that as his daughter, she is his priority, and he doesn’t want to introduce them until the relationship is more secure. By phrasing it in a way that prioritizes his daughter, he’ll be keeping boundaries but also telling her that he’s doing it for her.
I wish my dad had done it this way. Instead he introduced us to every woman after his second date, proposed them after his 5th date, and expected us to love our insta-stepmoms- all 3 of them. Thank God he’s finally settled down a bit.
Cat´s last blog ..Weekend fun
I think he should be honest about his dating relationships with his daughter for a couple of reasons. The first is that kids want to see their parents happy. The alternative to not dating, in their black and white world, is to be sitting at home alone which is sad for them. Dating is a natural activity for a single adult.
Number two is that she is 11. She is beginning to think about boys and dating herself (sorry, Dad!). It is important for him to be a good role model for her both for dating and to show her what she should expect from a guy who is dating her. If she doesn’t think you have experience in dating, she won’t be as willing to come and ask you questions or for advice.
I’m not saying to introduce her to every girl that comes along, but don’t act like it is some dirty secret. I agree with Dr. Leah’s advice to let her know you are dating and assure her that at the appropriate time you will introduce them. Explain that you want to make the little amount of time you have with her a quality experience.
I also want to point out that he is sort of lucky in that he has the time away from his daughter to separate his dating life from his family life. A lot of single parents don’t have that option. When you have the kids the majority of the time, they will know if you are dating.
Twitter @ Singlemomindebt
I don’t have a time frame for introducing my son to any new boyfriends. I don’t do it immediately, but after a few dates, I will let my date pick me up at home and meet my son, but that’s it until it seems more serious.
Single Mom Paying Off Debt´s last blog ..Extra $1250 to pay towards debt !!!
I agree with waiting to have kids and dates meet until it’s gone to a serious stage. However I wouldn’t keep that part of his life so secret. He’s a role model for her on dating. If he can be open and honest with her, he has no reason to expect that from her which is a bad place to start.
Mike´s last blog ..Walking with your hands
Sorry, but don’t listen to anyone else, just do what makes you feel comfortable. Also, saying no to your child isn’t a bad thing.
Twitter @ MsV1959
There’s a difference between privacy and secrecy.
If he wants this private, that’s his business (and I agree with that)…
He could use this as a teachable moment. IMHO.
Ms.V´s last blog ..2 weeks. And Counting.
Twitter @ tsquest
Oooo! These are all great comments!
I think this is a great opportunity for him to talk to his daughter about dating. My girls love to know about my relationships. I think relationships are all learning devices.
He should introduce her when he feels that he is ready. And yes, talk to his daughter but decide on a good boundary first. Those perceptive girls (boy do I know it) can lead you into giving more information than you intended to!!
T´s last blog ..Post Traumatic
Great comments filled with insight and experience. Thank you!
@T: Unless you have first hand experience, you just can’t know how *Perceptive* little girls can wring the information out of you –been there and done that.
Absolutely, boundaries. And your comfort level. And your own truth about the difference between secrecy and privacy.
Twitter @ BigLittleWolf
I think this dad has done EXACTLY the right thing, and I wouldn’t categorize separation of “church and state” as “secrecy” either.
We don’t know the particulars: how long since the divorce, the relationship with his daughter and ex, the extent to which the little girl gets attached to adults. Keeping a dating life out of his parenting time makes perfect sense.
Right around the time kids are tweens, if there’s enough water under the bridge, they WANT to see their parents happy, even if it’s separately. My guess is this is the ideal time for him to be able to introduce a bit of his dating life, and to explain that this is a wonderful woman, but not yet his “girlfriend” or not yet serious.
Or, if (and when) that changes, to present the relationship accordingly.
This dad has been appropriately protecting his privacy and his daughter’s feelings. (And he also needs to NOT let her push the relationship along, because she wants it! I’ve seen that, too!)
BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Wanted: Men in togas. Pay negotiable.
I agree, it’s ok and you should wait until it’s truly serious. But also explain that to them as well. Open and honest will serve well on both sides of the fence. If you want your kids to grow up and be open and honest with you, they can only learn that from your behavior now.
Twitter @ newsingledad
Personally, I think it’s a good idea to keep the dating life and the parenting life separate. But I also know there’s no way to pull one over on my 11 year old daughter. Trying to keep things too “under wraps” will just make her more interested in finding out what’s going on.
Besides, she’s showing an interest in her Dad, and it sounds like she has a positive attitude toward meeting the woman, and knowing more about her Dad’s life. Having her be interested and positive is way better than angry and disinterested.
If I was falling hard for someone, I’d need to involve the kids, but only peripherally. A trip to the park, things like that. A happy medium.
Just my 2¢ Personally, right now, I wouldn’t mind having your problem.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Welcome to Singlemommyhood @Scott! As the parent of a tween, too, I hear you! “There’s no way to pull one over” on my daughter, either. So true!
Twitter @ solomother
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If you introduce your child(ren) to the person you’re dating as soon as the relationship gets serious, you run the risk of a) gypping yourself out of some quality grown up time, as you’ll find you want to include the beau in family activities b) you run the risk of exposing your child to a relationship that won’t last.
On the other hand, if you wait til there’s an engagement ring, you have not let your child into a decision that will profoundly affect his or her life. You have to ease the significant other into your combined lives at some point on the relationship continuum. I don’t know where that point is. I’m just walking away from a relationship that crashed and burned for so many miserable, unfixable, heart-stopping reasons, and not only do I have to nurse my broken heart, but I have to heal my son’s, too. And this was a relationship that had lasted 11 months to the day, full of promises and future.
You never know. Do your best.
Solomother´s last blog ..Giveaway: Master Lock for breast cancer
I just introduced my kids to the man I have been dating. We have been dating for almost 3 months, and my kids are 15 and twin 13 yo, all girls… he and I are getting along fabulously, and I want him to be involved in ALL of my life… not just the easy “single” part of it. How will we know if we are truly compatiable if the only time we have together is the super awesome adult time? There are no stresses, nothing to take our attention away from one another when it is just the two of us. I need him to see how I interact with my kids. I need him to see my kids interact with the world. I need to see him interact with my kids. Also, my kids are around my regular friends often…. why not allow them to be around this friend that has a special place in my life. I don’t want him to be a “father” to them, I just want there to be some reality in our relationship… I want to be able to see the whole picture. I mean, what if after a year of dating, and I introduced him to my kids, he turns out to be a complete jerk to my kids. Well now, that is gonna suck. I would have to say Bye to a man I just spent a year of my life with… uh, ya, no thanks.
Does anyone else see it this way??
Twitter @ http://www.nosinglemamadrama.wordpress.com
I think he should continue to do what he’s doing.
He could, however, let her into the relationship, slowly, by allowing her to see him interact with her on the phone and talk about her a bit, if he feels comfortable.
The most important thing is that he introduces his girlfriend when HE, not anyone else, feels he’s ready, though I recommend at least 6-12 months, for obvious reasons.
But every person, relationship and situation is different.
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
I think it’s appropriate to wait until it’s serious…6 motnhs, a year, whatever it is for you. But I do think it’s too extreme to say “Never shall the 2 intersect.”
Someday, your daughter could be in a relationship with a man with kids; say it gets serious – I think you’d want her included in all aspects of the other man’s life too.
And, it’s important for her to see how a woman should be treated – you are her role model in that.
Get ready for more questions!!
Swati
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Adopt a Single Mom Family for the Holidays