Staying friends with someone you met online?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating
“I recently met this guy online and we talked for hours over coffee. He’s smart and funny. There’s just one little problem: I’m not attracted to him.”
We got this email from a single mom recently, and here’s her dilemma: she would like to remain friends with this man. Is it possible?
After all, they have a lot in common: they’re both single parents of sons, and they both work in marketing.
Dr. Leah and I disagree on this one:
I say, “Go for it!”
Dr. Leah, on the other hand, says that once romance is off the table, friendship will not flourish.
I believe that as long as you’re very honest about your boundaries, you can be friends. Sure, it might be awkward at first. You might need to give him gentle reminders that you’re not going to be intimate. You might need some space at first.
But I’ve remained friends with a few guys I met online. Today, I’m grateful that I didn’t just cut it off with these few great men.
Dr. Leah, however, says that things are bound to get awkward: “You can’t really make lifetime friends from online introductions that did not work out romantically.”
What do you think?
Have you ever been on one or two dates with a man/woman — in which you enjoyed great conversation — but there was no chemistry?
Still, you liked each other, even if you didn’t have that sexual “click.”
Did you just say farewell and go separate ways?
Or, did you continue to see each other occasionally to have a casual dinner or, may-be, just enjoy some time outdoors?
I will, admit this, however: once one of you meets someone else and starts to date him/her seriously, the friendship often suffers. Maybe one of you feels awkward. Or, it simply challenging to make time for “online friend” now that you’re seriously dating someone else.
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I met several men online during the time that CBG and I were broken up. Of those that I met, one of them and I have remained friends (after our first date, neither one of us felt that ‘click’, but still very much enjoye each other’s company).
We’ve kept in touch over these last several months, and have even gone out for coffee a few times since CBG and I have gotten back together…and it’s been great. He’s been very supportive of me getting back together with him, and there hasn’t been any awkwardness in our friendship.
I do think that it’s possible to remain friends with someone you’ve met online like that – it depends largely on the situation and the people involved. It’s not something that I think people should close their minds to.
MommaSunshine’s last blog post..What Matters Most
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Off the top of my head I can think of two guys I dated who are now good friends. One I went on a couple dates with but there was no attraction for me. He was such a good person and we got along very well so we’ve been friends for the last 5 years.
The other guy I actually dated for about 2 months. There was some attraction and chemistry but something was missing. We just made better firends I guess and he and I have been friends for 3 years. In both cases there is no hope for anything more than friendship on either part. We even discuss our dating/romantic lives to get the other sex’s perspective.
MindyMom’s last blog post..The Last Six Days
OK, here is my one experience which leads me to say no… better off cutting it off. I made a classic online dating mistake and emailed back and forth with a guy over a period of 2 weeks before our first date. To be fair, we were both on vacation, but when we actually met, he gave me the creeps, staring at me a lot. I decided to give him one more shot, thinking I was being too critical – we had gotten along so well online! Nope – stared at me all night, and had gotten me a present on vacation. After I told him it wasn’t going to work, he emailed me to ask if we could still be friends. I said sure. He sent me a few emails, and invited me to a music event – “just as friends”, but I KNEW he didn’t really feel that way. So after I declined that invitation, I just stopped returning his emails. He still checks my profile out on the dating site. Creepy, and in general, I guess I would just never know the other person’s intentions. Simplify, simplify, simplify…
Hey any relationship is rough to develop whether it be a friendship or romantic. I’ve tried many times with this situation. It’s only worked with my friend Christine. She contacted me on MySpace 3 years ago. We emailed back and forth and due to her vacation and Eric visiting we never got a chance to go our for about a month or so, but we kept in touch. When we met there was NO chemistry. However we email several times a week to each other for the last 3 years. In that time I think I’ve only seen her once in person.
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Wow @Mike, pen pals for three years… and you’ve seen each other once. What do you write about?
@Anna, ah yes, simplifying! Sounds like he didn’t really get what boundaries mean.
@MindyMom and MommaSunshine: It sounds like you were really able to be honest with these guys, and they “got it.”
I’m so curious to hear from the rest of you on this one…
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Both times I might have been willing, I didn’t think the guys would be comfortable with it, so I really didn’t see the point in trying. It’s not just up to her. Even in friendship, it’s a two-way street.
April’s last blog post..Why our 4th grader might be smarter than our 5th grader
I have remained plutonic/non sexual friends with women that I’ve met online. Some of them have turned into be some of the best friends.
Sometimes you just don’t have that physical attraction.
I say go for it!
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I don’t understand Dr. Leah’s point. Many people have relationships and then remain friends. It’s difficult to keep any kind of relationship going, no matter what the circumstances.
I met a women online 3 years ago, and we still exchange emails regularly. That may be the exception, but it is possible.
Twitter @ http://kbhotmama.blogspot.com
I think it totally depends on the situation and the *honest* feelings of each person. I’ve remained friends with numbers of men I’ve dated, with varying degrees of success. Most eventually fizzled out, but a couple have become really great friends that I couldn’t live without.
But there was one guy who I could tell was harboring some hope, no matter how many conversations we had about being just friends. We live in the same neighborhood and we’ll still stop and chit chat to catch up when we run into each other, but I had to cut him off from anything resembling a real friendship.
So I think, over all, that friendship is a great thing to try for, but only if you’re really being honest with yourself about it. If either one of you is secretly hoping for more, it’s going to be better for everyone to just cut it off.
Martini Mom’s last blog post..Weekend update
I agree with Martini Mom…If neither party is attracted to the other sexually, then friendship might be possible.
I can’t help but recall Billy Crystal’s pronouncement in When Harry Met Sally: The scene when he said it was not possible for a man and a woman to be friends because the man always thinks about having sex with the woman.
I can’t say I’ve disproved his theory.
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I think it really all depends on the situation.
I’d like to say “yes”, but there have been many a friendship that were made awkward because feelings inadvertently got involved.
It’s tough. Being “just friends” is probably just as hard as any other relationship.
Canadian Bald Guy’s last blog post..Not again…
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
@Solo Dad: thanks for cracking us up…. and making us remember that scene. Ah, so true!
We just talk about our lives, relationships, etc. The usual stuff you do with good friends.
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Twitter @ singledadlife
Solo Dad,
As I was reading the remarks, all I could think of was when Harry met Sally! One of my all time favorites! I say, it is possible, but rare. Online is different than “real world”. Easy to communicate in emails, different in live living color.
Barry’s last blog post..My Divorce Attorney Made Me Do it
Very interesting article! As long as both people are happy staying friends and that’s all you want, it should not cause a problem. Internet dating is a fun, exciting and wonderful experience to meet new people for new friendship, love and romance.
Twitter @ http://www.ptlawmom.com
I have two guys I have been friends with that I think could stay friends. Both started off online, turned into FWB-type situations, and then friendship. The first guy decided I needed God more than I needed him and started taking me to church. He is a great guy and a good friend and I don’t see us ever having anything together. The only spark was due to his amazing dirty texting abilities. Hahaha. The other guy and I were both reeling from divorces. We had friendly sex (real FWB situation) several times with plenty of laughter, fun and commiserating. He’s a wonderful man and I think he will make some woman very happy but we just aren’t a match. We just did the FWB situation for the fun of it. Anyway, I think I could probably stay friends with both of them.
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I have some good male friends I met online who I am still Facebook friends with and occasionally meet up with for dinner or drinks. There’s a reason you connect with them in the first place, right? That can lead to friendship.
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