What does “still best friends” really mean?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Tips & Advice
Recently, Rachel wrote about a guy with whom she recently went on a few dates. Well, he seems to be surrounded by a posse of exes who regularly hung out together.
That got us thinking:
Are you friends with any of your exes?
It’s one thing to remain in contact with the father/mother of your kids — for the kids’ sake — but that’s not exactly friendship. It’s more like a business arrangement, right?
We’ve always found this whole issue baffling.
What exactly does it mean when a couple splits and then announces, “We’re still best friends“?
Of course, this just the kind of question that Dr. Leah, our very own Sanity Fairy™, can help us figure out.
Without a doubt, there are all kinds of friends:
- A best friend is someone in whom you can confide your darkest fears and greatest hopes. This is the very first person you think of when you have positive news — or frustrating career woes — to share. This friendship is a dependable blessing because he/she knows everything about you and still loves you.
- A forever friend is exactly how a couple celebrating their wedding anniversary — surrounded by grandchildren — typically describe their relationship. It’s unlikely that your ex is going to offer that kind of affirming support.
Hearing that someone is “still best friends” with an ex can be misleading. On the one hand, the war is over: your divorce papers have been signed and possessions have been returned. Compared to the anger and bitterness, this cease fire can feel like the return of friendship.
But are you fooling yourself? Are there unexpressed feelings hidden by these words?
Does one of you hope that the relationship can rekindle? Is one of you longing for the person who was once your whole world?
Saying that you’re still good friends with your ex sounds so civilized and grown-up! We can pretend that we never hurt anyone or felt any pain. After all, we’re such good friends!
To be honest, “we’re still best friends” often has an underlying meaning, too: perhaps you’re still enjoying hot sex.
So, what’s your take on exes who are “still best friends”?
If you are “still best friends,” we’d all love to hear the details!
Photo by Jyn Meyer
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I never got the best friends with exs. If you could still be that close my thought is that you should still be together. Having a amicable relationship is great if you can have it, but best friends doesn’t compute for me.
Twitter @ http://www.ptlawmom.com
I would echo what Mike said. If we could be best friends, we’d still be married. There is a whole lot of pain there. That said, we have fortunately been able to have a relatively amicable divorce and put the welfare of our son first. We treat each other respectfully in front of him and try to talk when necessary for his sake. We will be together for life, or at least for the next 13 years as he continues to grow, so we have to try to get along.
PT-LawMom’s last blog post..Single Mom Dating Tips
Q: What exactly does it mean when a couple splits and then announces, “We’re still best friends“?
Some suggestions:
1.) The restraining order has been rescinded.
2.) He/she has been paroled to another state.
3.) With special court supervised provisions, the kids are allowed selected timed visits ‘regularly’.
4.) You no longer have a deep seated desire to kill him/her.
5.) You’ve stopped stalking her/him.
6.) You no longer shoot into or around their house on a Sat night.
7.) You’ve disbanded the DMZ in the living room/yard.
8.) You no longer have the local Sheriff & 911 on speed dial.
9.) The local shelter does not hear from you on a monthly basis.
10.) You can hear their name spoken aloud without immediately seething in anger.
11.) You got most of your meaningful ‘stuff’ back without too much trouble.
12.) The opposition lawyer seems to like & understand where you’re coming from.
13.) The kids are no longer allowed to openly curse their name aloud when you’re around.
I was going to say this is the ‘redneck’ version, but I think it applies more widely than that! Cheers, ‘VJ’
VJ, may I add to your list?
He/She will drive you home at last call to prevent the DWI (and perhaps get lucky)
You can booty call
You have practiced saying it enough that it sounds natural on your first e-harmony date..and yes how grown-up
It allows you to have at least (and maybe only) one best friend
It means that I am so selfish that I really do still love him yet actually committing and staying with someone and working toward long term goals is just out of my realm when I could have a plethora of go nowhere short encounters that mean not much more than squat but make me feel good in the instant…so i never got delayed gratification, it’s not my fault I am a Sesame Street Kid.
I can stay “friends” with my ex. As in I can stand with in ten feet from him and not want to strangle him (okay without looking like I want to strangle him -haha) Actually the three of us (him our baby and myself)have gone to the Chuck E Cheese together and it was actually enjoyable. However….
If we were by any means “still best friends” we would never have gotten the divorce in the first place!
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
There are guys that I have dated in the past that I remained very close friends with…we just figured out early that we were better as friends than as lovers or anything else. I get that. Staying friends with an ex-spouse is a completely different matter though! Marrying someone is completely different than dating them for a little while. Things have to be (or should be) pretty bad to walk away from that relationship and I just don’t see how you can remain friends when it’s that bad. Amicable? Maybe. Nice to each other for the sake of the kids? Ok. Best friends? Absolutely not. If I met a man who said that he was best friends with his ex-wife, I would immediately think that his philosophy on marriage is very different from mine.
Wondermom’s last blog post..School woes (sorry…this is a long one!)
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I agree with Wondermom. I am friends with some ex boyfriend’s but the father’s of my children? WAY different story. It takes a lot of grace to be cordial to someone who has been malicious and vindictive because the relationship didn’t work out. What do you make of that? If the relationship is over why would one continue trying to hurt their ex? Especially when you have kids together? Hurting me hurts the kids.
MindyMom’s last blog post..What’s Your Dating Age-Range?
I’ll try not to make this post a mile long…
My exhusband left while I was pregnant with our third child and just before my last semester of college. I managed to graduate just before our daughter was born (still hopeful of a reunion) which is when he moved his 18 year old girlfriend in with him (we were 25). It sent me into a downward spiral of depression that ended with me losing my job, almost losing my children, and becoming pregnant with my fourth child.
Somehow, nearly six years later, we went to Dairy Queen together on Tuesday night after our son’s Pinewood Derby (cub scouts). My boyfriend and his fiance (yes the same one he left me for) were both at work or they would have come too. The older 3 rode with him and my youngest rode with me and we all ate together. It made me sad that our 5 year old was confused by that (she never lived under the same roof with both her mother and her father).
We can talk about the kids (even though we sometimes disagree- we try to make a point not to bring it up in front of them) and sometimes he calls just to tell me what’s going on with him… but we aren’t in love. I guess you could say we are ‘over it’. We understand that we both made bad choices as kids (pregnant & married @ 17 & 18) and are ready to be grown-ups now. It’s too bad for our kids sakes though that they had to wait so many years to get grown-ups for parents.
He asked me if I wanted an invitation to his wedding in June. I told him that I would not be offended if he sent me one, but I don’t know if I would come or not.
I don’t know, are we ‘friends’? Maybe you could call it that. Friends who often annoy each other but have enough commonalities to keep in touch.
VJ – Loved the list. As you said, a far broader appeal. We have more than a few matrimonial attorney “lurkers” who let me know that your list is on target. Thanks!
Judy: Thanks, too. Perfect additions.
Twitter @ iswirls
I consider the term friendly used when needed. I don’t think I’d consider the best friend title for a ex. I haven’t had good experiences with women who are bff with their ex.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Yes, I use the word “friendly,” too… Or, I say, “If we bump into each other, we’re polite.”
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
K. Nelson: I just want to acknowledge that you and your ex are doing an amazing job at putting your differences aside for your kids. Bravo. The Cub Scouts story is very poignant.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
Indeed, PT Law Mom and Mike, thanks for this one: “If we could be best friends, we’d still be married.”
Twitter @ KatWilder
“Best friends”?
Don’t know about that.
Friendly, on good terms, cordial — these all work. If you have kids together, it’s important to approach it in a straightforward businesslike way that can still acknowledge the intimacy and love you once both shared. And you owe it to your kids to be able to do that; they’re the only ones who get hurt of you can’t.
But there’s a reason why you divorced; at some point, there has to be an emotional break, thus ending the “best friends” relationship. If you can’t do that, something else is going on.
Kat Wilder’s last blog post..Why are wives so mad?
I think everyone who has said that if their ex was their best friend they would still be together has it right. They’re an ex because they are no longer your best friend, if they ever were. If my ex wants to be my best friend she should move to Mongolia, or at least Alaska. That would certainly improve how I felt about her.
As for ex dating partners (or whatever you wish to call them) I’ve found it best to focus on the present. Not the past. I don’t think maintaining a friendly relationship with any ex is fair to the lady I’m seeing. If someone from my past is that important, then I should focus on that person and not waste the time of someone new. No lady should feel she has to compete with someone from my past. They should be taken for who they are and how the relationship with them works out.
Twitter @ http://www.solomother.com
Hell no. If we broke up, it was for a reason, no? I don’t have time for my last ex, who still calls, still asks me out, still keeps in touch. He wants to be friends. He misses me. He misses talking with me and spending time with me.
Duh. I started missing quality time, too, with my self-esteem, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable.
I don’t return his calls or answer his emails anymore. It’s just easier that way.
I am friends with some exes, but not good friends. I save my time for my girlfriends, my boyfriend, my son. And not necessarily in that order.
Solomother’s last blog post..Single mother news
Guilty! I have one ex who refers to me as his best friend and I am still cordial with all of my exes. I personally believe that you were drawn to someone for a reason, and if it didn’t work out romantically, perhaps there were other aspects that were remarkable about your relationship.
I believe a true friendship can be established.
With that said, one of the aforementioned exes does want something more, and still compares. , etc. So, a friendship is not the norm and/or easy.
I find that after a break up it is imperative that the parties have NO contact for, at the very least, a number of months ( spouses and parents do not apply here). After a hiatus a friendship can be established, but typically one only works if both parties have discovered feelings for someone else and can realistically see the relationship for what it was . .
attainingme’s last blog post..S.