Addiction or choice?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Contests, Single Parents, Tips & Advice
This weekend when I went out to dinner, I was floored.
The family at the next table — a mom with her two tween daughters — ordered their meals and immediately pulled out their iPhones.
I tried not to stare, but each one of them was tap-tap-tapping away. They didn’t talk to each other or even look up. Everyone was in her own virtual world. Only when the meals arrived did they look up. But they’d placed their iPhones strategically next to their plates.
So, the next morning I buzzed our own Dr. Leah, aka the Sanity Fairy.
Here’s what I wanted to know: Is this the direction I’m heading with my own family? I believed my tween daughter needed a cell phone for safety — and my own peace of mind.
Now I’m worried: Is this “starter” cell phone a gate way to what looked to me like full blown Internet addiction?
Here’s what Dr. Leah said: “I’m not sure that ‘addiction’ is an apt description or a realistic worry. The hallmark of addiction is secrecy. And there’s nothing secret about this familiar scene.”
It’s so tempting to think that technology has revolutionized everything. But honestly, some things about family life never change.
Here’s what I mean: When I was a kid my mother would occasionally (when my father wasn’t home for dinner) allow my sister and me to read a book at the dinner table. And we’d all read in companionable silence.
But, my mother encouraged conversation. She’d ask about what we were reading or if we liked whatever she had cooked. In other words, my mother made an effort to connect with us. And my sister and I were expected to respond.
As a parent, I made the same effort and expected the same civility from my own kids. But other parents make different choices. Therefore, they experience different outcomes. It’s really just that simple.
So, is this really addiction? Not really. Moreover, the culprits are not iPhones, Twitter, Facebook or anything else.
It really comes down to our own parenting choices — and the behavior we model for our own kids.
Frankly, I’m still wondering if any of you worry, too.
Are you struggling with parenting choices and technology?
What efforts have you made to keep real conversation flowing with your kids?
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It makes me sad when I see families (or even couples) out to dinner but interacting with their cell phones instead of each other.
My rule with my own kids is no technology at the dinner table, whether that’s at home or at a resturant. They try to sneek it in sometimes but for the most part they respect it. It’s not a lot to ask and they know it.
I think it depends on how you view meal time. There are times when we’re just slowing down to eat. There are other times and places when we want conversation and conversations.
I think back when I was a kid.. my mom hated having the TV on during meals. My dad didn’t have an issue with the TV being on. This could be a woman thing. If it was up to me.. I’d choose a different time to have conversation. But that’s just me.
And for the record.. we don’t eat at the dining room table.. we eat in the living room (except holidays).
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
I don’t have an iPhone but I’ve got a “Crackberry” (just only recently, though). I make a conscious effort to leave it on vibrate. I mean, what is more important than the date I’m on? Or the children I’m spending time with?
I’ve heard multiple stories of families/dates sitting down and EVERYBODY immediately whipping out their cellphones. I just don’t get it.
I am an admitted iPhone addict. I don’t know how I lived without it. My 9 yo daugther now has my iTouch and it has wifi. She also has a cell phone and a Nintendo DS.
Recently we had a “toy free” day. No iPhone, no iPod, no DS, no Facebook, no Wii. Easy for her! Hard for me at first. Leaving the cell phone at home is almost unheard of now! It was like being naked…liberated…free..dangerous even! It was a vacation.
She takes her “toys” (iTouch, cell or Nintendo DS) with us to doctor appts, shopping, car trips, restaurants etc. It’s been great to help keep the complaining under control when it comes to the wait and boredom that is often part of running errands with mom. We love to play interactive games together on my iPhone rather than color while waiting for meals. We text each other funny comments while we sit across each other at dinner at my parents house. It doesn’t have to be an alienating device or an escape from personal communication.
I am happy with how she embraces tech toys and that she is as fascinated with them as I am. She’s going to need to be, that is the reality for her generation. I am proud of her knowledge of tech toys. The fastest growing industry in Seattle is interactive gaming presently.
We don’t text, talk or play during “our” time (watching movies, eating a meal, playing a board game, playing our wii). I think she gives me the same respect that I give her regarding these items. She has motioned to me to “get off the phone” or said “geez mom are who are you texting?” I can take the hint and I expect her to as well. She understands what is and is not appropriate. These items/activiites have a time and a place. It really comes down to manners and boundaries.
Ironically, I wrote an extensive post about this on Shaping Youth re: establishing cellphone ‘contacts’ with kids from the get go, since I’d encountered the dreaded ‘over texting’ prob w/my teen: http://www.shapingyouth.org/?p=2052
Media mgmt. is key and those ‘line in the sand’ moments need to be established up front so you don’t have the power whine of ‘it’s not fair’ or ‘I didn’t know’ (in terms of losing privileges)
Are you struggling with parenting choices and technology? In short, not really… I have rules and expect them to be followed. If they aren’t there are logical consequences ie. use your phone inappropriately get it restricted
What efforts have you made to keep real conversation flowing with your kids?
Restrictions, lots of them. No electronics at the dinner table is the biggest one when she was younger it was handheld games now that she is getting older it is a phone same rule apply. Another one is no phone after a certain time.
My boyfriend and I are both crackberry addicts, and I have often wondered if this is a problem. I like how you define addiction as something done in secret. No secrets here!
For the most part, I don’t mind that we are “always-on.” But meals are a struggle for me. I come from an “everyone sits around the table and eats together” family while my boyfriend comes from a “eat while watching TV family.” I struggle to get everyone to eat around the table, technology-free.
We have technology-free meals 2 or 3 days a week. While that isn’t ideal for me, I’m grateful for the time we do have around the table, with each other as our only company. And I always show my daughter that my time with her is valuable- by shutting off my phone during playtime, story time and any meals shared by the two of us alone.
Twitter @ http://www.askthesingleparent.com
I am absolutely addicted to my Blackberry. Come on, addiction, really? My phone is not a disease, definitely a choice!
Personally, I find my Blackberry is a way for me to feel connected and thus less lonely. Being a single parent can be lonely. No, at times it is lonely! However, it was bothersome to hear, “Mommy if you don’t know the answer just ask your phone. And, “Mommy it seems like you love your phone more than me!” My daughter and I are very funny and sarcastic but the last comment had more truth than sarcasm. And, we all know there is truth in humor.
I now make sure my phone is on silent from the time I get home until the time my daughter reads me a book and we lay in her bed to talk. I have enjoyed cutting off that appendage for a few hours a day!
Always,
Daniella
Daniella: Thanks for joining the conversation. I’m connected to my Blackberry, too. And, just like you, I’ve had to create “phone free” time. http://www.singlemommyhood.com/wp-admin/edit-comments.php#comments-form