My kid still wants to sleep in my bed. Help!
by Dr. Leah
Filed under All, Dating, Sex, Tips & Advice
“I just wanted to thank you for your blog because single parenting can be so isolating,” began a chatty email we received from a single mom who lives in Australia. (Wow!).So, this mom is grappling with a familiar parenting dilemma: her preschool-aged daughter still wants to sleep in her bed.
And this single mom is ready for this co-sleeping kid stage to end.
“I have heard that this is a common problem with single parents,” she writes.
We chuckled, because actually, this is co-sleeping issue a common problem for all parents. We’ve talked about ways to determine if having your kid in your bed signal issues needing attention — or if it’s just a typical kid stage.
Here’s what “different” for single parents:
This single mom tells us that she has worked hard to create the life she deserves. She hass banished the toys from her bedroom, and she has purged all those sticky relationship souvenirs.
Also (we’re not surprised), she’s has fallen in love. She recently introduced her little girl to her boyfriend, and they’re all enjoying spending time together. You know what’s coming next, right?
This mom would like to plan some *ahem* grown-up sleepovers. Yes, she’s ready to have sex in her own bed.
“I’m anxious to make this transition from co-sleeping to independent sleeping,” this mom adds. “I also believe that my little girl would gain some needed independence sleeping alone.”
In the meantime, her daughter is resisting any gentle hints that “big girls sleep in their own beds.” Her daughter probably senses a change in mom’s attitude about sleeping together. She’s growing more territorial and possessive about their shared bed.
“A part of me feels guilty about how much I would rather share my bed with a man I love — than snuggle up to my child at night,” this mom adds.
We totally understand. We make no judgments @Singlemommyhood. And we’re sure you’ve got strong opinions on this:
Is this single mom striving for sleep independence for the wrong reason?
Should she encourage her preschool child to sleep peacefully in her own bed?
Or, should she simply wait until her child is ready for independent sleeping — on her own?
(Photo courtesy of **LYN** via Flickr)
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Get the kid out of the bed as fast as you can. I never had my son in my bed. For me we each had our own space and that’s important to have as well as teach. My son knows I need certain amounts of time to myself during the day to stay healthy. I give him the same option and respect.
Mike´s last blog ..It’s Real and It’s Spectacular
Twitter @ YOC8040
I kind of disagree with the timing- not because I think mama’s being selfish (God knows, we all need our space), but because it’s throwing two big changes at once at a child. Her own bed and mama’s new boyfriend might just be a lot for her to deal with at the same time. I know kids are surprisingly resilient and can make it through a lot, but if she’s not used to change that’s 2 big changes. Just thinking that could be a source of the territorial-ism. I would try to separate it as much as possible in the little girl’s mind so she doesn’t associate it with the boyfriend- maybe follow some of the advice offered to parents expecting a new baby who are trying to get an older kid out without having them associate it with Jr 2.0.
Cat´s last blog ..Toddler Time?
Twitter @ http://internationalsinglemom.blogspot.com/
My son is in my bed, and I hate it…but I’ve got too much on my plate to worry about that right now.
I think getting the kid out or your bed is a wonderful idea. I agree that the timing is bad, so you may wait a few months before having your overnight sleep overs. You want to make it clear that getting her out of your bed is about her growing up, not about your choosing him over her. I don’t think you should wait on getting her out of your bed, but rather on getting him into it…both are huge deals for your child, and you don’t want her to feel you love him more than her.
Samantha´s last blog ..Fear Like Never Before
Twitter @ laurenmli
This post is very timely, for me. I just posted on my personal Facebook status that I woke up yesterday with a three-year-old in my bed and asked my friends for help. We struggled with the “bedtime battle” for months, but seemed to triumph when we moved in to our new place in September. My son wouldn’t go to bed without a fight and wandered in to my room every night without fail. We had gotten past this, or so I thought.
I sleep in a king-size bed alone. The sheer size alone makes it an easy accomplice to the sneaky boy who is my son. He goes to sleep in his own room now with no problem, but some nights – in the middle of the night – he sneaks in my bed. He knows that if I find him in there, I’ll walk him right back to his room. So now he stays faaaaarrrr away from me on the other side of the bed. I don’t know he’s there until morning!
I have a boyfriend also, and we have been doing grown-up sleepovers for a year, so I can relate to this mom. My son is used to these sleepovers because he doesn’t really remember anything different.
I think it is important to get children out of the parent’s bed, not for psychological reasons or to teach independence, but because, like Mike said, we have the right to our own space (and a good night’s sleep). Boyfriend or no boyfriend, I think it is a good idea for parents to get preschool children to cease the habit of co-sleeping.
All of that said, I agree with Cat that too many changes at once may be difficult for this child. There should be no possibility for the child to ever mistake the need for bedtime privacy and space for being replaced by the boyfriend. I say give it some time. My suggestion is actually to give the adult sleepovers time and address the co-sleeping now, rather than the other way around. Having the child in bed with two of you this early in the relationship just seems inappropriate.
I’m looking forward to comments on ways to keep your child out of your bed in the middle of the night. One friend of mine suggested a reward system, such as earning stars/chips/points toward a prize every morning that he wakes in his own bed. Perhaps this could be useful for this mom when trying to get her daughter out of her bed…
Lauren´s last blog ..Parenting 101 – Syllabus and Week 1: Appropriate Television for Preschoolers
Twitter @ http://wondermom-pickingupthepieces.blogspot.com/
Y’all know I have a slightly different opinion from most people here. I coslept with my oldest from a very early age and now that he’s 5, he goes to bed on his own every night but he still winds up in my bed a few nights a week. My 3 year old has never liked sleeping with me but recently he’s back to climbing into my bed a couple of nights a week too. I don’t have a problem with it. Yes, sometimes it’s annoying sharing a full-size bed 3 ways but they’re only young once and already they’re getting to the age where they’re often too busy to get any loving during the day so I’ll take it when I can get it.
The best advice I can give is to really look inside yourself and figure out why you want to stop sleeping together. I’m not a cosleeping evangelist by any means…I just believe that each family has to do what works for them. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If you’re happy and your daughter is happy, don’t worry about teaching her independence. My boys are two of the most independent I know…in fact, they both seem more prone to climb in my bed when they’re being more independent in the daytime. It’s like they have a snuggle quota that they have to fill and if they’re too busy to do it when they’re awake, then they’ll do it when they’re asleep. She’ll get there when she’s ready. That said, if the current situation is not working for BOTH of you, then it needs to change. The change needs to be gentle and respectful to everyone though. For us, an acceptable change was getting the boys to go to bed on their own and come to me when they need me in the night. When I want to be alone, I tell them that I love them but they need to get back in their bed and if necessary, I walk them in there and tuck them in. When they really need to be with me, I let them come into my bed and we all get a good night’s sleep. Getting them to go to sleep alone was enough of a change to give me some Mommy time and make it a situation that we can all live with. I do praise them and even reward them when they both wake up in their own beds, but I don’t make a big fuss about it if one or the other comes to me during the night.
If you want your daughter out of your bed so that your boyfriend can sleep over, personally, I think that’s the wrong reason. I don’t mean to sound judgemental, but that just wouldn’t work for me. Rationalizing that you’re doing it for her own good seems even worse. If that’s the reason, fine, but admit it and don’t say that you’re doing it for your daughter.
I do agree with the others who said that the transition into her own bed may be a lot for a little one who’s also dealing with a new man sleeping over. If you do decide to move her, I’d recommend doing it slowly. Start out with a toddler bed in your room or sitting with her in her room till she falls asleep and go from there. It breaks my heart to hear of parents just trying to force the issue and letting the kids cry it out all at once. Yeah, it may only take a few nights, but at what price? The two of you are a family and you must consider both of your needs and respect both of your feelings in whatever decision you make. You don’t need to martyr yourself for your daughter, but you do need to put yourself in her shoes and see how the whole situation looks to her. If the boyfriend is worth his salt, he’ll respect that as well. If he can’t handle it, well, better to know now, right?
wondermom´s last blog ..Probably overthinking…
I’m going to side with wondermom here a bit because most of what she said I agree with.
That being said… when my dd was going to a big girl bed we did a stepping stone phasing out thing to get her to sleep on her own.
I started by putting her to bed reading her books and laying in bed with her until she fell asleep (in her room, in her bed). Then I started laying on her floor next to the bed until she fell asleep. When it came time for each phase I moved further from the bed to the door each night. Eventually I got to just outside the door until she fell asleep but still within sight. Then so she would trust that if she couldn’t see me I was still there and she was safe I laid down outside her door out of sight until she was comfortable. The whole process took a couple of weeks but it worked for us really well and she felt comfortable the entire process.
Kari´s last blog ..Getting Healthy!
I agree with the part about separating the new bed and the new boyfriend sleeping over. She could become resentful feeling like she is being replaced.
I also don’t think that it is ~bad~ thing to want to make this move because you want to start having adult sleepovers. We all know that there is no one single reason why we choose one thing over another. It is change in your relationship status with your boyfriend, it is your daughter getting older and needing independence, it is you needing the space you get from her sleeping in her own room and without the boyfriend there. It is time.
Even if the only reason was because you wanted to have your boyfriend stay the night, that is okay, too. I read something the other day that really kind of hit home. It said that starting in the early/mid 20th century, we started treating our kids like pets that need to be coddled and it has continued to get worse. It is okay to be a bit selfish when it comes to taking care of you. Now, if your daughter was having night terrors and major trauma about moving to her own bed, this wouldn’t be an issue, I’m sure. But you have every right to want your own space whether it is because you want to have a boyfriend sleep over or just want to be able to have your bed to yourself.
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Wondermom: we appreciate your thoughtfulness on this one! Thanks for pointing out that the real issue here should be wanting to have your “mama” bed back as your own… but not because a boyfriend is sharing it. Perhaps those ARE two separate issues, and it’s confusing to mix them up.
Do others also agree that “if the boyfriend is worth his salt, he’ll respect” this mom’s decisions as she goes through this sleeping transition?
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Lauren: Ah, I remember this well with my three-year-old! (the kid sneaking in…)!
Although she seemed very young at the time, I talked to her about having a “soothing plan.” Okay, I didn’t call it that. But I said something like, “You’re such a big girl now, and when you wake up at night, I’m going to do one thing help you get back to bed.”
For her, it meant finding her “stuffy” again — under the sheets — and getting a short back rub. Of course, by then, I was wide awake….
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
I’ve never had my kids in my bed. They started out in a crib in their own room and that is where they stayed.
I do however let them come in for morning ’snuggle time’ which they really enjoy – and I do to!
How about trying a one-night-a-week ’sleepover’ on the condition they stay in their own bed all other nights?
MindyMom/Single Mom Says…´s last blog ..Red Flags & How to Spot Them
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
It doesn’t matter the motivation. Kids need to sleep in their own beds. The Mommy bed has to be for the mommy. Children are unbelievably resilient, but we have to be the PARENT and set the boundaries, the rules, the MAP! As the mother of 4 I have shut down My bedroom as the “family room” I have recapture my room as my sanctuary…the place where I have amazing sex. Now you could try laying in her bed with her a few nights (I did this with Margeaux–my youngest). But beyond that kids need to have their own space too and that includes their own bed.
Lovebabz´s last blog ..LOVETALK RADIO SCHEDULE NOVEMBER 2009
I went through a stage with my daughter where she wanted to sleep with me every night. A good friend of mine let her daughter sleep with her and finally at the age of 10 got her to sleep in her own bed. She said don’t let you daughter sleep with you she will never sleep in her own bed if you do. We for months my daughter would slip into my bed in the middle of the night. I would end of waking up and not sleep well. To make a long story short I was ALWAYS tired. So I talked with my daughter about how mom needs to sleep in her own bed so that she can get the sleep that she needs. I told her that she can sleep with me when she don’t feel well. If she feels the need to sleep with mommy that she can sleep on my floor but only if she woke me up to tell me she was going to sleep on my floor. This has worked out really well. At first she slept on my floor all the time but I think she got tired of sleeping on the hard floor. Now she only sleeps on my floor about once a month. It took awhile but I did get her out of my bed and into her own bed. It was better all around for both of us.
I was talking to a friend of mine on the phone last night. She is married and has a three-year-old. In the background, I could hear Dad trying to get the little girl to bed. “But I’m not tired, Daddy! I want to sleep with you and mommy!”
I started laughing and my friend confessed that they had gotten their daughter sleeping in her own bed but recently she had regressed and was wanting to sleep in the big bed with Mommy and Daddy. My friend said she felt bad but between not getting any sleep and not being able to have sex, she and her husband were getting pretty cranky.
So, it isn’t just a single parent issue!
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Chai_Girl: Thanks so much for reminding all of us that this co-sleeping challenge is NOT just something that single parents deal with…. so true!
Single Mom Seeking´s last blog ..My kid still wants to sleep in my bed. Help!
Twitter @ http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
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Hi:
I think you have to think about creating time and space for yourself…and try to envision what you want whether you have a boyfriend or not. So, if you are going to be strict about not having a bed-bug snuggling with you at night while you are dating this man, are you prepared to do the same exact thing if you suddenly aren’t dating him? I think they are 2 separate issue as well, and, before you act, just take a couple of moments to make certain you will consistent in what you say or do. I have an 8 year old daughter and there have been times when she had a bad dream and the following weeks are filled with tears and requests to sleep in my bed. I have given in – and sometimes, after she falls asleep, I sneak to HER bed (which is of top notch quality, thanks to my parents). I think there is something to a mother’s sixth sense – sometimes the kids are feeling insecure and it helps them to be close to you. I don’t see the harm in that. Obviously, it cannot be a nightly request. Don’t worry – either way, she won’t want to be associated with you once she hits her teens
Swati Bharteey
http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com
Swati Bharteey´s last blog ..Number 3: I am Super Single Mom, former Superwoman…
Swati Bharteey: Thanks for adding to the conversation. Just so you know, you are not alone. There were plenty of nights I changed beds with my daughter, too.
Twitter @ supahCmami
I will admit I didn’t read through all of the postings but I do agree that the wanting the bed to have sex and ending cosleeping are two separate issues.
I disagree with the commenters who say kids belong in their own bed, sleeping arraignments are cultural and depend on the individuals in a family.
First off, sex does not have to happen in a bed. This is what we’re most used to, but romance, making love, sex whatever you want to call it can happen anywhere, its the feeling that is genuine, not the place.
Respect your daughter. While you may want ‘your’ bed back, apparently she considers it ‘her’ bed too. I would treat her gently, and humanely if you truly want to sleep alone and not just for the sex, this transition can take weeks-months!