Break up: how do you “he-tox” him for real?
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Relationships
–A single mom blogger whom you might know has asked this great question: “How long does it take to get over someone?” We’re sure you have a lot to say about this one.
Amy, who blogs at Singleness of Heart, separated from her husband more than two years ago. Last summer, she met a man online named G.: he’d been separated for more than a year, and was going through a “dragged out divorce” with four kids in the mix.
Red flags? Perhaps. But on her very first date, he seemed so funny, smart, artistic, hip — and genuinely sweet. They hit it off and spent a lot of time together last summer. “He took me to see Yes for my birthday, The physical chemistry was unbelievable. He introduced me to his best friends. He met my kids — but I didn’t meet his.”
At the end of the summer, however, something changed. He told her that he was overwhelmed. His exact words? “I don’t think I can give you what you need.”
She didn’t believe him — and he admitted that this wasn’t really about her. “I don’t want to date other people,” he said. “I just can’t be in a relationship right now.”
They continued to see each other off and on during the end of 2009, although she could tell that he was emotionally unavailable. “The final breakup happened when he sent me a text message two weeks before Valentine’s Day: ‘I told you a couple months ago that you should move on. I don’t feel that I can give you what you need.’ ”
This time, she got it: she stopped responding to him. “I did a ‘he-tox’ in order to really move on.” (Amy is big on self-help books and this one gave her the he-tox idea: It’s Called A Break-up Because It’s Broken.)
Or, so she thought. Six weeks later, she went back online. Sure enough, Amy saw his profile: “I know people do this sort of thing all the time, and it is part and parcel of the online dating milieu, but I never expected that G. would! Here he was — two months after we’d last slept together — trying to meet women again using the same profile he’d had when we met.”
Moreover, Amy noticed in her site meter stats that G. had started to read her blog. She wondered if he was really over her, and one morning, “I called his work voice mail – I’d deleted his cell number long ago — and left a message, very casual, saying I just thought I’d see if he wanted to talk. My idea was that I’d call his bluff, although I didn’t mention the profile, or the blog visits.”
A few days later, he called her. They had a long talk. He told Amy that he missed her and felt horrible that she was hurting. But he also repeated that he didn’t want to continue the relationship. Understandably, this has “stirred up hope again. I don’t know if we will be friends, or maybe date again in the future, or if I will even be able to remain in touch with him.”
Amy could use your wisdom here. You’ve been so generous giving advice to readers on everything from missing your ex to dealing with an absent ex. Sure, we’ve all been there: drowning out our sorrows in hot fudge with the ice cream man . But clearly, even binging on ice cream doesn’t heal hurt like this.
Should Amy be open to remaining friends with him? Perhaps, they might start by chatting once in a while?
Or, will that just drag out the pain? Should she try another “he-tox”? If so, do you have any suggestions about she might move on for good?
Photo courtesy of Brechtbug
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Twitter @ runpippi
This sounds like something to happened to me with the man who I thought was my soul mate. He was/is a classic case of the emotionally unavailable man. Remaining friendly with him before I started dating my current BF was hard on me because it was way too painful. He was dating others, I saw his profile online. I would see him out on dates. I had to close that door for good.run
Pippi´s last blog ..Pippi’s Hardy Party
Twitter @ http://locsandlittleones.blogspot.com
Walk away. Delete all numbers, e-mail, etc. Resist the urge to check in on his sites and profiles to see what he’s up to. Do not talk to him. I know you think you want to be friendly, but you can’t. If this is anything like the situation that I had with my ex, you can’t be his friend because you don’t WANT to be his friend. You want to be his girlfriend and as long as there’s contact, you’ll hold out hope. He is doing you the favor of showing you who he is. Non-commital and flaky. I did this back and forth with my ex for a year and in the end I just prolonged the pain of FINALLY letting him go. If you stay hung up in this man, you could miss something beautiful with someone else that wants and deserves you. And in my case, I haven’t started dating again, but I’ve really had a great time getting to know me again. Don’t let him continue to hurt you over and over.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
Spend more time with your real friends. Reunite with some old ones. G hasn’t earned your friendship, and therefore, doesn’t deserve it. Reserve your compassion and kindness for those who do.
April´s last blog ..A Sideways world of our own
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
Wow. This is bringing back some Soldier memories… ugh. TOO painful.
Try this site: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
This woman tells it like it is! And she also helped me rid myself of my emotionally unavailable man.
Good luck Amy!! We’ve all been there!
T´s last blog ..Advice
Twitter @ msjennixoxo
Do another “he-tox” and completely walk away from the guy. He has stated more than once, that he’s no longer attached to their relationship. He might miss HER, but he doesn’t miss THEM. And it just seems that Amy would be too vulnerable to being hurt, even through friendship. Does she really want to be around as a friend, when he starts to see another woman? Probably not.
Jenni´s last blog ..Sick vs Sober
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I think she needs to just ignore him. He has told her he’s unavailable, he is out there looking for other women to date, and he isn’t doing much to win her back. I think it is possible that he likes her and could possibly fall for her, but he isn’t in a place and time where he is capable of that.
I don’t know “how long” it will take to get over him. I do know that sometimes the desire to be in a supportive, paired relationship is so strong that we are tempted to put up with a lot in order to have it.
My suggestion: No dating for a while. Get to know you and what you are like single. When you are comfortable with yourself, then look into dating.
alley´s last blog ..No thanks, I had all I can handle
Twitter @ http://singleness-of-heart.blogspot.com
thanks for all the confirmation that “no contact” is the way to go. it’s been discouraging to feel like i’m back to square one after moving ahead for quite awhile, but i know that it’s all steps in the right direction.
and, as i say in my latest post, i think a lot of the resurgence of feelings had to do with PMS.
i’m interested to hear some success stories…how did you get over a tough breakup and move on? where are you now in all that? i’d love to hear about some happy endings!
amy´s last blog ..calm after storm
Twitter @ satsukirebel
I have a no-friends policy when it comes to ex’s. There just too much history there for me to ever completely see them in the friend light again. In my experience letting them back in and having contact only opens yourself up to more emotional pain. It’s better to cut the cord then let yourself be dragged along.
Twitter @ http://avigail74.blogspot.com
I once had a man tell me: “He knows where you are—if he wants you back, he’ll come find you.” I thought that said a lot. Once I heard that, it made it all the more easier for me to let go of a lingering ex. As for how long it takes to get over someone—don’t worry about it. Let yourself be sad and miss him when the feeling arises—and let it just be that, feelings. And, be gentle with yourself in the meantime—remember, we women deserve nothing but the best–so wait for your best, he’ll come along when the time is right.
Amy Pogrebin´s last blog ..Gypsy Family
Twitter @ SHSoloMama
We have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding our prince. But unless we get rid of the frogs, there’s no room for the prince.
Semi-Hippie Solo Mama´s last blog ..Meditation 101
Twitter @ http://cat804.blogspot.com
He’s made it clear that he’s not going to be there for you, so to me hanging onto anything is just masochism. Get out and get on with things… easier said than done for sure, and I’m sure it’ll take time… but you’ll be better off in the long run.
For me, if I don’t end things I have trouble getting over it until I meet someone else, even if it’s just a casual date with a lot of flirting. It’s like I need a kick in the butt to remind me that someone besides the ex can find me desirable. Hope that helps, I’ll check in on your blog to keep up with how it goes!
Cat´s last blog ..Friday Fragments!
Twitter @ DoktaDivah
Whew! I could be Amy, as many times as I got caught out there with this foolishness.
My friends and I use the snake story, with each other. You know, where the little boy picks up the snake who promises not to bite him – only to get bitten. “Why’d you bite me?” the boy asks. “Because I’m a snake.” is the response. When a man tells you who he is and what his motivations are, believe him. Too many of us twist ourselves up in knots (myself included), trying to figure out what he’s REALLY thinking. Guess what? He’s already shown with his actual statements and his behavior what he’s really thinking. Reading your blog is a passive aggressive and sneaky way to keep tabs on what you’re doing. If he had any real interest, he’d know how to contact you directly and say so.
Another red flag is his meeting your kids, but not encouraging you to meet his. From early on, he was letting you know that his life is essentially closed to you. This is a valid emotional state given his situation, but not giving you this info up front is pretty cowardly – not to mention reinforcing the breakup after “off and on” via text.
I recommend just eliminating contact all together. Once he see lurking about isn’t going to make you call him – which is the whole point, btw – he will either leave you alone or come to you correctly when he’s emotionally ready to do so. Just don’t waste your own precious time waiting for that.
Lisa R.´s last blog ..PowerMama: Committed to Serve (and a pat on the back for ATS)
Twitter @ http://newsingledad.wordpress.com
From a guy’s point of view, I’d agree with everyone here. I’m on the brink of trying to meet someone again, after 15 years of not even paying attention. I scared to death of the whole prospect, (unreasonable phobia, but there nonetheless) and I have no idea what I can offer, or not offer, but I think I’d do my best to be aware of the person’s emotions, and be upfront with more than a sentence, or just be honest and say, I’m not that into you, and be friends or not.
I like the frog analogy. There’s lot of us frogs out there, don’t stick with a frog.
Good Luck
NSD
Twitter @ DoktaDivah
Hey everyone,
I shouldn’t have assumed everyone had heard it – here’s the snake story: http://www.indigenouspeople.net/snake.htm
Backstory, I’m Jamaican.
Lisa R.´s last blog ..PowerMama: Committed to Serve (and a pat on the back for ATS)
Twitter @ MsV1959
OMG …He’s a tool.
Run away…
Twitter @ http://notyouraveragesinglemomma.com
Interesting. I had/have/am having…a similar issue. I can’t seem to let go when I really thought I was SO close…I’m not easily fooled either but damnit…he made me believe…at first…..
Well shit. Now it looks like I need a he-tox.
singlemomma_cc´s last blog ..It’s those damn quiet nights…