So, when this single mom posted about a worrisome co-parenting dilemma, we knew we could count on YOU. Here’s the situation: This single mom has a three-year-old daughter who has had overnight parenting time with her dad since she was six weeks old. Her ex was physically and emotionally abusive when they were married, although (fortunately), he has shown no signs of abuse towards their daughter.

However, this mom worries that her ex is not actually taking care of their daughter during this weekends. She explains: “My little one is a sleep deprived wreck when she returns. I can’t even pee alone. She cries and has nightmares for a night or two.”

Usually her daughter is glad to see Daddy – at least, at first. Lately, this single mom has detected some obvious ambivalence in her little girl about seeing and speaking to Daddy. Recently her daughter has begun to ask a difficult question: “Why do I have to go see Daddy?” * Sigh*

Not surprisingly, this single mom struggles with how to answer this question. She tells her daughter that Daddy wants to see her. And the judge said he could.  She tries to explain how this situation is out of her hands. Trying to remain positive and upbeat, she tries to convince her daughter that she’ll have fun at Daddy’s house.

After all, this single mom asks (groan): “Isn’t watching TV all day and all night fun?”

We’re solo moms so our kids have never confronted us with this question. It’s SO helpful to get the perspective  of other single parents who face similar co-parenting challenges. So, we’re asking you…

Do your kids ask this particular “Daddy” question?

If so, how do you respond?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Brooklyn Hilary)

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Maybe you have a teenager (or more than one?) Maybe you work with teens, or you’ve got teenagers in your extended family. If you have a teen in your life, we’d love to know if you worry about this, too.

We’ve chatted about all kinds of kids and technology dilemmas here (including the pros and cons of blogging about your kids!). So, when we read this great article about “Anti-Social Networking” in the New York Times, we wanted to see what you think.

Many kids consume media as a full-time job (with overtime) according to the Kaiser Family Foundation. Frankly, we do worry about these online activities long term. This New York Times piece questions the possible implications of texting, instant messaging, and Facebook on kids’ social skills. Before electronic media, kids often had a  “best friend”  in whom to confide.  Long conversations took place on the telephone.

On Bruce Sallan’s recent radio show, he talked to Rachel about teenage boys who are asking girls to the prom via TEXTING (and then getting their hearts broken when these girls say “no” because they wanted the guys to ask on the phone or in person!)

Psychologists and other experts worry that our connected kids miss out on experiences that help them develop social skills, such as empathy and understanding.  These experts also insist that when kids become teenagers, they are clueless about how to interpret body language and other social cues.

Other experts, however, believe that social networking are helping kids develop stronger friendships. They cite the 24/7 availability as a way kid friendships are strengthened.  The benefits of social media for shy or withdrawn kids are touted.  These experts  see Facebook, for example, as a tool to help such kids develop critical social skills.

So, the experts are sharply divided. We believe the REAL experts are YOU. Especially since your kids are “digital natives” meaning they have grown up using computers.

So, we’re wondering …

Do the teens you know ever talk on the phone anymore? Or, is it all about texting?

Do you worry about the impact social networking might have on your kids’  social skills?

If so, what measures do you take (or hope to take) to help your kids develop friendships IRL?

Or, is our concern really a “non-issue” which does NOT worry you as a parent?

~~~~

We thank @TommyFishback for alerting us to the Kaiser Family Foundation study.

(Photo courtesy of  glutster)

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We’re big Facebook fans.

When this single mom contacted us about her dilemma, we knew we had to ask YOU for your advice.

Frankly, it never occurred to us that  a relatively harmless bit of  “Facebook investigation” could lead to such drama. Here’s what happened:

This single mom of a sweet nine-month-old boy is raising her son solo. His father has never seen him. And his family also wants nothing to do with this little guy and his mom. When she started dating this “bio dad,” he’d told her he had a son. But, she never met his son. He’d made himself sound like an awesome dad, but, obviously, this is not the case.

*Curiosity* led this single mom to find her baby’s 15 year-old-half brother and his mother on Facebook.

Suddenly, she felt *responsible* to both her own child and this young man.

Seeing this young man’s picture (and noticing a clear resemblance to her own baby) made him “real” — rather than just another character in the drama with her absent ex.

To the best of her knowledge, the mother of her son’s half-brother mom does not know that her son has a sibling out there.

“I just feel like this kind of information can’t stay under wraps forever,” she wrote to us. “And wouldn’t it be better to tell this other child’s mother in a friendly email instead of her learning by accident?”

Things are a bit more complicated: “It’s scary because I don’t know how much contact she has with my son’s father or his family.  She’s Facebook friends with his sisters because they went to high school together.”

Understandably, this single mom is worried: “This is another thing that could totally blow up in my face.”

She wants to know: “And, what on earth would I say?”

We’re fairly confident that this single mom should contact this mom to give her a heads up.

Do you agree?

(Maybe you think she should MYOB. At least until her baby is older.)

If  this single mom does decide to contact this young man’s mom, what on earth SHOULD she say?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of Kellycrul via Flickr)

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For some of us, Valentine’s Day practically gives us permission to be all lovey-dovey in public. We get sugary and sentimental — and we go on and on about our personal date plans.

For others, however, this is just TOO much. You don’t relish listening to your friends and co-workers as they share their most intimate details. Or, maybe you’re just private about your own life. When your friends ask what you’ve planning, you don’t feel like sharing your after-hours stats on Valentine’s Day.

So, how much is too much?

Personally, I opened Pandora’s box on my personal blog, Single Mom Seeking, when I wrote about my Facebook dilemma. I wanted to come out on Facebook as being “in a relationship.” That’s because I’m the kind of woman who wants to scream from every mountain top, “I’m in love!”

The man I’m dating, however, is very private. He loves to show off this his “relationship status” in real life — with family and friends — but not online.

Clearly, this topic pushes some buttons!

Even Dr. Leah has gone on the record to say that sometimes all of this over sharing on Facebook is just too much. So, we’re curious about where you stand on TMI:

If you’ve got a hot date planned Valentine’s Day plans, are you chatting it up all you can? Say, at work? On Facebook? After all, you’re probably super excited!

If you’re on the receiving end — the one who’s listening every intimate detail that your friend openly shares — do you just want her (or him) to STOP? Enough already!

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This weekend, we received this urgent email from a single mom who could really use your advice:

Here’s what’s she told us:

“Everything I’ve read at @Singlemommyhood has helped me so much. Dr. Leah’s book is on my night stand. But I’m just at a total loss about how to deal with this situation.”

This single mom told us that she has not heard from her three-year-old daughter’s “bio father” since she was six months old.  When she was pregnant, he married someone else. And then he vanished. Frankly, this our single mom was not surprised. On her own, she has been doing a great job parenting her daughter solo, with much appreciated help from her parents.

So, she was shocked and VERY upset when she opened her email the other day: “I thought someone was playing a cruel joke on me. I gasped when I saw a Facebook request from HIM. And there a long message of apology. He was pleading  for the opportunity to have a relationship with his daughter.”

(Note: Facebook was the only way to contact her since he had no idea where she lived. And we’ve left out a few details about his life during his absence to protect her privacy. His life has been quite eventful… enough said!)

This single mom simply does not know what to do. She doesn’t feels he’s a “bad person.” He has acknowledged that he did a terrible thing by walking out of his child’s life. She knows that her daughter might want to know her father in some way. And she doesn’t want to keep them apart.

Still, she’s worried about his influence on her daughter’s life. And her parents have made their views quite clear: they don’t trust him.

Rachel and I both have personal experience grappling with the inevitable emotional fall-out when a long absent ex suddenly appears. And we understand how it feels when you struggle make the right decisions for your kids.

If you’ve ever experienced anything like the above with your ex, please chime in.

We wonder:

Has your ex ever returned after a long and deliberate absence? Or, tried to?

How did you respond?

(Photo courtesy of Lesley O’Mara via Flickr)

Thanks

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We took a deep breath when read this email yesterday from a single mom who wrote to us in shock:

“This morning my daughter and I were chatting about Daddy’s latest girl friend. This new girlfriend has two girls who attend the same school as my daughter. Apparently they ‘hooked up’ at Back to School night. “

This single mom asked her daughter if the girlfriend’s kids ever see their dad. Her daughter reported that the girlfriend’s kids do not talk about their dad. Her daughter then added that she’d heard their dad had been killed in some bad way.

Something just didn’t sound right. When her daughter usually talked about Dad’s latest love interest, it wasn’t with so much anxiety. And her daughter did sound upset.

This single mom immediately launched an Internet search — and she easily found the girlfriend on Facebook.

An entry caught her eye: “Manslaughter plea entered.” She opened it immediately and discovered that the girlfriend had shot her husband in front her kids. She’d been sentenced to prison.

Domestic violence had played no part. Apparently, the girlfriend opened a credit card account her husband didn’t want her to open. He grabbed her purse. And she grabbed a gun and shot him in the head. She had been released from prison last year and lives with her mom and her kids.

This co-parenting  dilemma is new to us — and this mom would love to hear your advice. We’re interested to know:

What would you do if you found out that your ex was dating someone with a criminal past?

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This is a familiar topic in our Singlemommyhood community.

You might remember an early conversation we had about posting your kids’ pictures on your online dating profile.

We also stirred up a bit of controversy chatting about badmouthing your ex online.

Of course, you know that Dr. Leah and I totally disagree about posting  kids’ pictures on Facebook.

Let’s face it: the downside of Facebook — particularly how public you are — has gotten lots of play recently.

Dr. Leah chides me about it all the time!

For many of us, our “friends”  have multiplied to include younger relatives, colleagues from work, and your newly tech savvy mom.  Reports of wanton cavorting or weekends of over-indulgence may not be the smartest choice.

And, if you’ve been active on Facebook since its inception, there’s a fair amount of housekeeping to do as your job and relationship status inevitably change. It’s a chore and it can be a waste of time.

So, it was completely shocking when Dr. Leah excitedly buzzed me about a comment on our recent post about helping kids grieve a deliberately absent parent.

Dr. Leah was talking up Facebook!

In case you missed it, Single Mom Paying Off Debt wrote about finding pictures of her long-absent ex on his sister’s Facebook account.  She knew her son was the spitting image of his father. But she’d never seen pictures of her ex when he was a youngster.  She carefully copied these pictures – and she plans to share them with her son when she thinks it’s appropriate.

She felt as if she’d found another puzzle piece to help her son put his life story together at the proper time. Her story has inspired us to highlight the benefits of social media in our Singlemommyhood community. We’re curious:

Have any of you tried to find family pictures of your ex to show your kids when you think the time might be right?

How are you using social media to make life better for you and your kids?

We’d love to hear more from you.

(Facebook photo courtesy of Amit Gupta via Flickr)

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This weekend when I went out to dinner, I was floored.

The family at the next table — a mom with her two tween daughters — ordered their meals and immediately pulled out their iPhones.

I tried not to stare, but each one of them was tap-tap-tapping away. They didn’t talk to each other or even look up. Everyone was in her own virtual world. Only when the meals arrived did they look up. But they’d placed their iPhones strategically next to their plates.

So, the next morning I buzzed our own Dr. Leah, aka the Sanity Fairy.

Here’s what I wanted to know: Is this the direction I’m heading with my own family? I believed my tween daughter needed a cell phone for safety — and my own peace of mind.

Now I’m worried: Is this “starter” cell phone a gate way to what looked to me like full blown Internet addiction?

Here’s what Dr. Leah said:  “I’m not sure that ‘addiction’ is an apt description or a realistic worry. The hallmark of addiction is secrecy. And there’s nothing secret about this familiar scene.”

It’s so tempting to think that technology has revolutionized everything. But honestly, some things about family life never change.

Here’s what I mean: When I was a kid my mother would occasionally (when my father wasn’t home for dinner) allow my sister and me to read a book at the dinner table.  And we’d all read in companionable silence.

But, my mother encouraged conversation. She’d ask about what we were reading or if we liked whatever she had cooked. In other words, my mother made an effort to connect with us.  And my sister and I were expected to respond.

As a parent, I made the same effort and expected the same civility from my own kids. But other parents make different choices.  Therefore, they experience different outcomes. It’s really just that simple.

So, is this really addiction? Not really. Moreover, the culprits are not iPhones, Twitter, Facebook or anything else.

It really comes down to our own parenting choices — and the behavior we model for our own kids.

Frankly, I’m still wondering if any of you worry, too.

Are you struggling with parenting choices and technology?

What efforts have you made to keep real conversation flowing with your kids?

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A single mom recently shared this difficult dilemma with us. She went onto say: “Instead of feeling proud and happy that my little girl is growing up, I’m resentful. I find fault with every boy she mentions. And I criticize her relentlessly.”

She also admits to checking in on her daughter’s Facebook, way too frequently.

This mother wants to know: “Do my feelings have something to do with my current dating drought?”

Likely, yes. We all have mixed feelings when our kids start a new phase of their lives. Feeling a bit of resentment — and even jealousy — is normal. Your daughter has more options than you do, so no doubt you feel enviable.

Good for you for acknowledging these feelings.

Here’s the next big step:

Make sure that your own feelings don’t get in the way of your relationship with your daughter. They can cloud your vision when it comes to helping her navigate the treacherous teenage social scene. Here’s why: Your daughter needs your guidance and support. If she doesn’t get this support at home, she’ll seek help elsewhere. And this “help” may be nothing more than shared ignorance.

Happiness for a single parent requires effort. We all have some life choices that we regret. But having “grown-up activities” planned will help quell those feelings stirred up by your daughter’s burgeoning social life. Chances are you wouldn’t want to be a teenager again. No one wants to relive the rejection and uncertainty of adolescence. So, how can you get back out there — in a new way?

What have you planned lately for a bit of grown up fun? How about starting with a night out with your girlfriend posse? Maybe it’s time to try online dating? Or to give speed dating a try? It’s time to say “YES!” the next time someone offers to fix you up.

So, tell us: Are your kids dating?

Has their dating caused unexpected — or uncomfortable — feelings?

How have you coped with this double whammy parenting challenge?

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I’m a long-time Facebook user — while Dr. Leah is new on the Facebook front.

And it appears that we’re having yet another little disagreement. See what you think. We’d love to know your thoughts on this one!

So, this all started when Dr. Leah asked me: “Don’t you think that some parents overdo it with all those kid photos on their pages?”

Me: “No, why?

Dr. Leah: “Well, your kids’ photos used to be gifts you’d share with family and close friends. They were special.”

I laughed. “And now, parents are posting new photos of their kids every day, for the world world to see, right?”

Dr. Leah: “Right! Family photo albums were once cherished personal treasures.”

Me: “You mean, like holiday photos you get in the mail?”

Dr. Leah: “Not exactly. Holiday photos and greeting cards are a once a year thing. And usually parents reserve those photo cards for special friends and family.  I’m talking about endless stream of pictures some parents post. When I see those kids’ photos, I wonder what motivates these parents. The kids seem so overexposed. I also think about these children’s futures — in college, and at work. Why do parents want to share every private moment? And, of course, we’re all still figuring out where those kid pictures could eventually wind up.”

Me: “But times have changed, Dr. Leah! We live in a digital world now. As a parent, we’re simply chronicling our kids’ lives for  friends and family who might live far away. That’s it.”

Dr. Leah: “But does everyone you know really want to see your kid’s life chronicled in pictures?”

We’d love to know:

Do you post your kids’ photos on Facebook, or are you more private… like Dr. Leah?

Is posting photos on Facebook just part of modern-day parenting… or a bit narcissistic?

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