When wedding bells (not yours!) are ringing
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Kids, Relationships, Tips & Advice
CoastalGal99 wrote us recently with some unsettling news:
“My eight-year-old daughter came home from her dad’s this weekend and announced, ‘Daddy is getting married!’
I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend! My daughter explained that she was introduced to ‘Daddy’s new wife.’
But she asked me if she should call her ‘Mommy,’ too.
Later that night, I laced into him on the phone. He flipped out and told me to MYOB.
How am I supposed to deal with this latest Dad drama?”
Since you asked . . . Dr. Leah replies
Obviously, your ex should have told you ahead of time about his upcoming marriage plans so that your daughter — and you — could get used to the idea. Why he chose to (not) communicate in this way and surprise your daughter with this announcement is anyone’s guess. But it’s done now.
Here are some thoughts to keep in mind:
You are the only mommy. Your little girl was looking for guidance not seeking to replace you. Handle the “name question” by simply saying, “Call her…(first name)”.
Stepmothers should not be envied. Your ex’s “new wife” is assuming a difficult role. Resist the urge to encourage the inevitable clashes. Nix the name calling. Why give anyone permission to come up with unflattering nicknames for you?
Changes and adjustments. Will your ex respond to e-mail? Ask if any changes in the parenting time schedule are planned. Ask the logistical wedding plans so you can help your daughter prepare. Try to be flexible if only for the sake of your child. Try to encourage some one-on-one time with Daddy so your daughter feels reassured of her important place in Daddy’s life.
Is his new wife willing to speak to you about practical matters like wedding plans and/or parenting time schedules?
You may want to warn her or call her every name in the book, but remember, at least for now, that this woman will play a role in your child’s life. Keep your relationship as cordial as you can. You don’t have to like her, but you do need to get along with her if only to keep your child’s life as stress free as possible.
We’d love to hear about your experiences when your ex gets re-married.
Is Dr. Leah “on target” when it comes to coping with a “new wife” (or husband)?
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Good or bad, good fortune or not, I’ve been in this situation. My ex took every chance to stick her nose in my business, to the point that if she bothered to keep the children, she would drill them to see if I was on a date, and if I was, she would have them call me a couple times during the date to find out where I was, or what I was doing. I can see why someone might prefer to leave the ex out of the loop. My children were up to date (no pun intended), but my ex I left out.
I did remarry at one point and only my oldest child (already a grown married woman) called her step mother by her name. Otherwise she was “mum” to my children. I never told my children what to call their step, but calling her by her first name was never an option for my youngest. It might just be a Southern thing (although I’ve lived in many places out of the South), but I could never have dealt with my youngest calling an adult by simply their first name. My children were all closer to their step, and even though she and I went out separate ways, but not because of a bad marriage (she never wanted a divorce, but had to move back to Europe), they are still emotionally closer to her than their biological mother. Probably because their step was more of a mother to them.
Giving birth makes someone a mother, but not “mom”. Just as impregnating makes a father, but not a “dad”. Children will sort out who they feel close to…or not. Who they feel is a parent, and who is not. All I ever required was that my children show respect to their mother and their step. The rest they will sort out.
This actually happened to me over the Holidays. I knew of a girlfriend,but had never met her. My ex- and I have not even been officially divorced for one year. I met her when I dropped off the kids and noticed there was an engagement ring on her finger. He then told me of the engagement but failed to mention that the wedding was going to happen over the Holiday visit. I found out from my daughter that they got married. He lives in another state and there is a daugher from his new wife’s previous marriage. All I know about the new wife is her first name and she has a daughter. I feel that I should know more, but don’t know exactly what that might be. Any advice on how to get to know the new wife would be appreciated. I don’t want to be her new BFF, but she will be in my kids life and I want to feel a bit more comfortable with the situation. Thanks
Steph: Wow – that was some surprise!
Do you know her previous last name?
It might work well, especially for your daughter (what else matters!), if you took the high road and sent them both a brief congratulatory note. You might consider adding on at the end how much you hope all of you can work together on the kids’ behalf. If you are comfortable, offer your e-mail address and, perhaps, you two can communicate about “kid stuff” in that way. What develops beyond that is really up to the both of you. Good luck!