My mom came over for Mother’s Day
by Rachel Sarah
Filed under Dating, Tips & Advice
Last night I got a frantic phone call from a cherished single mom friend. This is exactly how the conversation started:
“My mom came over for Mother’s Day.”
Things got really complicated after that. Apparently, my friend had invited her mom to her home for a festive Mother’s Day brunch. Her nine-year-old son blissfully feasted, while her 12-year-old daughter chatted with Grandma.
All innocent, yes? Well, when my friend went to the kitchen to check on dessert, she overheard her daughter mention “Mom’s new boyfriend”.
Uh oh. That’s a problem: My girlfriend doesn’t really have a boyfriend.
She has a potential love interest whom she briefly introduced to her kids. Once.
My friend never has she used “boyfriend” to describe this man to her kids. And she never mentioned this guy to her mom (why would she, right?).
Of course, Grandma was miffed. And my girlfriend was utterly confused.
How did her tween daughter blow this simple introduction so out of proportion?
~~~
Luckily, Dr. Leah, aka the Sanity Fairy™, was there when I called.
And here’s what she told me: “Things got jumbled because your friend underestimated her tween daughter’s curiosity — and her interest about her mom’s life.”
Tweens are media infused. They often pick up on expressions or scenarios — as seen on TV or in movies – but don’t yet have the knowledge, maturity, and experience to understand adult experiences or feelings.
This tween probably took the “quickie” introduction — as well as the overheard cell phone calls and Mom’s body language – and jumped to the “boyfriend” conclusion.
Likely, she has also been hashing out whole situation with her own pubescent posse.
According to the Sanity Fairy™, of course, you’re entitled to a life after the kids go to bed.
But it’s also important to talk about your life with your tween kids. No, you do need to spill every last detail — or make your tween a confidante.
Yet sharing a simple word or two about this guy might start an important conversation. You can also ask your tween something like: “Do you have anything you might want to know?”
Sure, she might ask an awkward or embarrassing question. Yet it’s vital to keep the conversation going.
Here’s why:
This is the perfect opportunity to talk about our own attitudes and beliefs about dating, sex, and other hot button topics.
So, now we’re wondering:
Do you have a tween kid?
Has he/she asked any awkward questions that got you stymied? What were you asked? How did you respond?
Please share. We’re here to help.
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I have dealt with that exact situation. I use a shoe analogy which is kind of tongue in cheek but my daughter gets it. I told her guys are kind of like shoes. Sometimes, you see a really great pair of shoes but as soon as you try them on you realize they aren’t for you. Sometimes, you try them on and walk around the store and decide they aren’t for you. Sometimes, they work so you buy them and take them home. After you have worn them for a couple of days, you may realize they chafe at the ankle and they end up going to Goodwill or you pass them on to a friend. Sometimes, they fit so perfectly that you want to wear them every day and as soon as they wear out you go and buy the exact same pair again.
It is the same with guys. You have to “try them on” for a while. There are different stages of relationships.
She really seemed to get it. I think there is also the issue thst she is beginning to explore her own relationships with boys. She knows the excitement of having a new boy interested in her and there is part of me that thinks she wants me to have a boyfriend because of that so she makes that jump faster than I do. Also, “boyfriends” for a tween have a different connotation that it does for adults. Tweens go through “boyfriends” like they go through clothes. It isn’t as much of a committment for them as it is when they get older.
Twitter @ singlemommyhood
Chai Girl: thanks for that shoe analogy! And, yes, “there are different stages of relationships.” A relationship DOES develop, doesn’t it?
Twitter @ http://lovebabz.blogspot.com
I have a tweenie…but she isn’t my pain-in-the-neck. It’s my 7 yr old and her name is MARGEAUX! That kid is nosey…she eaves drops and she can read my cellphone caller id when it rings. She is 7 going on 37!
I’m old skool…I told her it is not her business what I am doing. If I start dating and it gets serious I’ll let you know. I do not beleive that because a child asks you everything about your personal life under the sun that I as an adult must answer. NO. Sometimes you have to tell them this is not information for them. And if their minds wander…fine…but they are not adults and they are not my friends.
As far as any of my kids blurting out anything (and they have)…so what…I am a GROWN woman. People can be miffed or not about my decisions. I can share with folks or not. I can clarify or not.
lovebabz’s last blog post..WHO ARE YOU? AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
I have a best friend that is male, and we all spend time together sometimes. K and I may refer to each other as “hun” or other like terms, and the girls thought that maybe he might be my boyfriend. But I just explained to them that we’re just very good friends and there are all kinds of ways to love someone.
They also know that right now, I have no interest in dating.
April’s last blog post..Sending you elsewhere (again)
Chai_girl: I definitely agree – tweens interpret “boy friend” very differently from teen-agers or adults.
Lovebabz: When my daughter was 7 she was just like your daughter. My son was oblivious, but she had her radar up for anything that did not concern her.
April: Guy friends are really special. Glad to hear you’ve got him in your life.
Twitter @ http://tsquest.blogspot.com
My 7 year old has lots of “boy” friends. I’ve told her that I do too.
We leave it at that. For now… no relationship for me presently. I suppose it could get complicated when that happens but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
T’s last blog post..This is when its hard….
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommindy.blogspot.com
Of course I have dealt with this one! My daughters were 10,7 & 4 when I got divorced.
I never had men over to the house if I wasn’t in a relationship except for once. At the time he was definitley interested but I was still undecided. He was also a contractor that had the skills do do some much needed work for me in my home and he came over to do the work when my kids were there. After he left my then 9 y/o was all “you like him mom.” and “he really likes you mom.” Yeah, they don’t miss much; we dated for a long time afterward. He won me over by being so calm and accepting of my real life – which he got a good glimpse of that day!
MindyMom’s last blog post..One for the Guys
I always believed that you should not bring anyone to the house and into your children’s lives until you are pretty sure the relationship is going somewhere. Even then, you should be on your guard. Of course, Mr. Smart Guy here thought he had it all under control.
While coaching our JCC basketball team, I often sat and talked to the athletic director for extended periods of time
. She also began to look for me when I came in. My son played on the team, my oldest daughter worked at the pool. Thought I was pretty smooth until they said ” Dad, stop flirting and lets go home!” Oops……..
Barry’s last blog post..What No Single Dad Should Be Without
Barry: Nobody can call you out quicker than your kids. It’s happened to me, definitely.
Funny thing – I always thought I was handling the situation so “smoothly”, too. Apparently, not so much.
I work with tweens all day long, and they have a different worldview. Talking to a boy on the phone (or texting), and walking down the hall together constitutes a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship at this age. Of course her daughter would interpret it that way. I also agree that it’s a little crazy that her mother was “miffed”. My mom doesn’t WANT to know every little detail about my life!
LOVE the shoe analogy chai_girl!!