When your ex suddenly appears via Facebook
by Dr. Leah
Filed under Single Moms
This weekend, we received this urgent email from a single mom who could really use your advice:
Here’s what’s she told us:
“Everything I’ve read at @Singlemommyhood has helped me so much. Dr. Leah’s book is on my night stand. But I’m just at a total loss about how to deal with this situation.”
This single mom told us that she has not heard from her three-year-old daughter’s “bio father” since she was six months old. When she was pregnant, he married someone else. And then he vanished. Frankly, this our single mom was not surprised. On her own, she has been doing a great job parenting her daughter solo, with much appreciated help from her parents.
So, she was shocked and VERY upset when she opened her email the other day: “I thought someone was playing a cruel joke on me. I gasped when I saw a Facebook request from HIM. And there a long message of apology. He was pleading for the opportunity to have a relationship with his daughter.”
(Note: Facebook was the only way to contact her since he had no idea where she lived. And we’ve left out a few details about his life during his absence to protect her privacy. His life has been quite eventful… enough said!)
This single mom simply does not know what to do. She doesn’t feels he’s a “bad person.” He has acknowledged that he did a terrible thing by walking out of his child’s life. She knows that her daughter might want to know her father in some way. And she doesn’t want to keep them apart.
Still, she’s worried about his influence on her daughter’s life. And her parents have made their views quite clear: they don’t trust him.
Rachel and I both have personal experience grappling with the inevitable emotional fall-out when a long absent ex suddenly appears. And we understand how it feels when you struggle make the right decisions for your kids.
If you’ve ever experienced anything like the above with your ex, please chime in.
We wonder:
Has your ex ever returned after a long and deliberate absence? Or, tried to?
How did you respond?
(Photo courtesy of Lesley O’Mara via Flickr)
Thanks
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Facebook has this wonderful feature called “ignore”. It does not sound like she is that over him if all these feelings rushed back in.
Maybe take note of his profile address and tuck it away and maybe when it is a better time, re-approach it.
John Frenaye´s last blog ..Friday Food For Thought
Sounds like a classic passive-agressive move. I don’t know the history, but if manipulation, inducing guilt, and passive-aggression are part of it, I would steer clear.
I agree with the first post. Take note of the information and hit ignore. Then approach the question with the daughter on your own time, in your own way, not because he wants it. When she is ready, you can try and contact him.
Twitter @ aprilabtbalance
He needs to do a lot more than send an email to make up for this. She shouldn’t have to make a decision like this based on that. I suggest she come up with a list of things he would need to do in order to prove that he was in it for the long haul. And I would start with an off-FB email address.
April´s last blog ..The past is now the present
Twitter @ MsV1959
Could we please think about the child? I see more problems if she keeps him from her daughter. Can you imagine?
Remember, his abandonment happened to the BABY. The BABY needs her Dad. Mom’s feelings can be addressed, while a child would never understand.
Twitter @ SoloParentPro
The needs of both the child and parent need to be taken into consideration. If the parent is having such a strong negative reaction to the initial contact, then forcing the relationship between absent-parent and child could be very awkward if not disasterous for all.
As solos, I believe that sometimes in our quest to put our kids first, we end not taking care of ourselves or trusting our instincts.
It’s not going to do any harm to take a step back for a month and make peace with the situation before moving forward and taking absent-parent up on his offer.
In the meantime, perhaps a note back to him telling him that you need a little space would be a good gesture in beginning to build a coparenting relationship.
Carolyn´s last blog ..Spoiling The Child
Twitter @ http://www.singlemommyhood.com
@Carolyn: Welcome to Singlemommyhood!
And thank you for this reminder, re: “sometimes in our quest to put our kids first…,” we forget to take care of ourselves or trust our instincts.
Very insightful.
And, yet, @MsV: you remind us that as adults, we DO have the resources to take care of ourselves — in the end, this is really about the child.
Would you agree that this mother should take things slowly, for now, as the other readers suggest here? After all, her daughter is still young. Thanks!
Twitter @ http://bigcitydadnyc.blogspot.com/
No experience with this as my Ex is involved daily, however, I do agree that evaluating the father is a good thing to do first. Take it slow, make sure he’s not unstable and is committed to being a regular factor in his daughter’s life. Inconsistancy could be more damaging than not being there at all.
Big City Dad´s last blog ..The Dilemma
Twitter @ canadianbaldguy
The man is the girl’s father. If he realizes that he had made a terrible mistake and truly wants to build a relationship with the child, I see NO reason why she shouldn’t let him.
There needs to be boundaries and rules until a trust is built, but he absolutely deserves a 2nd chance.
Twitter @ http://gawlas.blogspot.com
I’ve had to go through this with the fathers of my children. One is just plain absent, no idea where he is. The other one actually taught the child that was not his to call him daddy and started paperwork to adopt him before he split too. This guy has a bad habit of disappearing for months on end, and then showing back up with a new girlfriend and new step kids and wanting to play daddy to the kids.
Usually I sigh and allow him to see the kids. They crave a relationship with their dad and I will not stand between them and that. But this past time her was gone for over ten months without any word or communication with the kids. My eleven year old has become very angry about the situation.
I told him that this is his last chance to be a part of their lives. If he dissappears again, he will not get another chance. I hate to do that, but I feel that the constant uncertainty of when or if they will or will not see their dad is more unhealthy for the kids than not having a relationship with him.
I would let the guy in in a limited manner, visits in mom’s livingroom or in parks with mom present at first, followed by short outings just him and her. Let him try to get to know her and her try to get to know him and see if a situation that would allow for overnights or shared custody develops.
Fathers do have legal rights too, even bad ones, so we might as well do our best to help them to be good dads.
Twitter @ SHSoloMama
My daughter’s father came out of the woodwork when she was three also. I decided to give it a shot. He came to my house and the three of us went out to dinner. A few phone calls later and that was it, he was gone again. But she was only three so she doesn’t even remember it. At that age they are very resilient.
Even if she does tell him he can’t see her, he can go to court and they will make her give him visitation. If she lets him start seeing her now, it will be on her terms. It can’t hurt to have dinner or go to the park. But boundaries must be set before. Maybe sitting down with him without her daughter before anything happens would help.
You have to put yourself in the child’s place. If she was older, what would she want? I think any kid would want the chance to know their father. And if she doesn’t do this for her daughter now, she may regret it later.
It doesn’t matter what her feelings are for this man. It’s about what is right for her child. It’s time to set aside any feelings of resentment or anger she has. The child’s best interests are what matters most.
Semi-Hippie Single Mama´s last blog ..A new year=365 new days
Thanks, Semi-Hippie Single Mama, for sharing your own personal experience. The age of the child certainly does make a difference.
Twitter @ tashsparkles
I’m in an odd spot here.
I’m the product of a single parent household and now I’m a single parent. (My parents split when I was 2. My son’s sperm donor split when I was 2 weeks pregnant.)
Since my mother’s passing, I’ve since found letters she exchanged with my non-existent father. He wanted much more contact than she allowed. She was a fierce mama bear! Do I blame her? Heck no! She had no way of knowing he wouldn’t cut and run and leave me in a worse place.
My son’s father is refusing contact because he doesn’t want to get involved, fall in love with him, and then have to leave his life. I think he’s being selfish. I think he’s depriving my son of a father and a grandmother.
I say all this so you know where my head is.
To the original question, I think she should tread lightly. Do not ignore or delete the email, because that could send the wrong message. I’d reply and express my pleasure in his contact, my displeasure in his acts, and my requirements for future contact. I’d be explicit about what it would take for with that precious child.
Good luck!!
One of my best friends has a five-year old son. The father disappeared and was abscent from his life until he was 3 1/2. One day he contacted my friend on MySpace thanks to the urging of his new girlfriend who also has a child. He said he wanted to have a relationship with his son, so they went to court and set up visitation arangements.
At first he complied, but not too long after he stopped calling or showing up on his designated days. I cannot even begin to describe how this has impacted the little boy. To have his daddy brought into his life, and then to have him gone again? To see the disappointment in his eyes when daddy doesn’t show up or calls with an excuse? It’s awful for both my friend and her son, because now the little boy really does feel abandoned (I don’t think he ever really thought about it before). She also now has to diplomatically answer her son’s questions about when will daddy want to see him again. This has also caused a change in behavior for the little boy.
They have returned to court several times, and each time they start the process all over again. The father will make it to his first few visitations, then will stop. He seems to be given endless chances.
My advice would be to proceed with caution, and open lines of communication outside of social media for awhile to make sure he really plans on being present. I definitely agree with those that say he has the right to know his daughter and vice versa, but I have witnessed how sudden good intentions have gone the way of old bad habits. I sincerely hope that is not the case here. It can definitely do more harm and cause feelings of abandonment for even a very young child.
Laurie´s last blog ..1 in 8 on 1/8
Thank you, Laurie, for sharing your friend’s story. Communication outside social media does sound like a smart first step.
Natasha: We’re honored that you so generously shared your family story with us. Welcome to our community.
Twitter @ atlsinglemom
I think that she should allow her daughter to see her father. My own father wanted to see my son after having been an absentee father in our lives (my twin sister and I). He played this little game throughout my life usually every 5 years or so. I allowed him to see my son but with the understanding that he was “a friend of the family”. I knew too well how he comes in your life and then makes a quick exit.
When my son’s father finally decided to see him I was skeptical. We met at a public place and I allowed him to play with my son (he was 1 1/2). We did this for a few months until I could tell he was going to keep his promise of showing up when he said he would. I didn’t allow my son to call him daddy until I knew he would be there. He now sees my son once a month (his choice) and I only tell my son when we are on our way to meet him. I don’t allow him to overpromise. My son is now 8.
She should set up the guidelines first. Introduce him as “an old friend of mommy.” The first meeting could be at a park, restaurant, indoor play area, etc. This will let her observe him with her daughter. He has rights. Bad fathers will reveal themselves in due time, she doesn’t need to help him by keeping him away from her daughter. Don’t give him a reason to blame not being in his child’s life on the mother. Leave this open for him to be a real father or not.
I’m sort of dealing with this with a 13-year-old daughter and I can tell you what I wished I had done. In retrospect, I should have just terminated all contact and severed all relationships. I thought that my daughter should have a chance to get to know her father, as so many parents have said. I thought that was the best thing for her, at the time.
Looking back, I think it has been more traumatic. He shows up then disappears. Every time we go through this, I have to deal with the anger, the fear, the anxiety, etc. that comes along with it. It is tearing up my relationship with my daughter.
She is finally beginning to realize that he is the issue. She admitted to me last night that when she was saying “You are never there for me! You never do anything for me”, she really meant her father. This was after I asked her to name a time when she needed me and I wasn’t there. It takes me really pressing her to make her realize that she isn’t realy angry at me…she is angry at him. Of course, he has been really active in her life the past couple of months because he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have anything else to do…and he forgot that he was supposed to have her for a week at Christmas. I get to deal with the fall out from it.
So, yes, if I had to do it again, I’d rather deal with the anger and abandonment once than to keep having the cycle repeat itself every couple of years. YMMV.
I would like to thank everyone for their support on my issue.
Everyone had good points that I take to heart.In the end I am always going to do what is best for my child.
Because her biological father is in another state I am not worried about too much access to her too fast. I am going to sort through where he as been the last two and a half years, what changes has he made and what his idea of a good father is before he even breathes the same air as my child.
I ask anyone who prays to pray for all of us on this journey. Thank you again.
I’m right there with you Chai_girl. I have a 13 year-old son. I have been divorced for 18 months and Dad hasn’t been in the picture since.
I have sole custody and all of the sudden there is a text to my son’s phone from Dad wishing him happy b-day?
Dad was verbally abusive to me and very toxic to my son (started to exhibit the same behavior). Since there hasn’t been any contact our lives have done a complete 180. No fear, anger – nothing but happiness.
This text has gotten my son upset and scared. He doesn’t want to see Dad and if I can help it he won’t. At this age though, they are almost able to make those decisions themselves. The kids can see positive and negative and as long as you keep the lines of communication open with your kids you will know how visits are affecting them.
@beasties I definitely would do a thorough follow up on what Dad has been doing and make a determination if he is committed or not. This isn’t like picking up a goldfish at the pet store on a whim. This is your child and you know what is best for her. Good luck and I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.
My ex-husband’s drug addiction ended our marriage and for several years he was in and out of her life. I allowed it since she was so young and probably would not remember, all the while encouraging him to get help and put our child first. Now she’s six and he has been totally sober for the past three years. He talks to her regularly and sees her as often as he can. He’s very remorseful for what he put of us through and even wants to get back together. I have moved on and am no longer entertaining that thought; however, I deal with him for her sake and set clear boundaries!