The *ideal* situation in which co-parents live in the same community often isn’t reality.  New relationships, shifting career opportunities, and other BIG changes often mean that co-parents need to get creative about how to communicate and keep those all important kid ties.

We know that many of you are in that boat. So you already know … working together as long distance co-parents to keep close ties with your kids  is a challenge.

~~~

That’s exactly what Caitlin, single mom of two young kids told us recently. Like so many of you, she’s doing her best to help a long distance co-parenting dad maintain close tie with his kids.

Five years ago, Caitlin moved from Arizona to Florida for a new job. Her kids’ father remained in Arizona. “We agreed that we would keep communication and access to the children as open as possible,” she says.

“They spend a month each summer with their father, and we occasionally make shorter trips throughout the year. But with computers and phones we’ve been able to stay in touch quite easily, and we’re communicating in some way nearly every day. It really helps it seem like Dad isn’t so far away.”

Here’s how Caitlin encourages her kids to stay in touch with their dad:

E-mail: “It’s easy to sit down and type out a few lines to let your child know you’re thinking of them, and have it reach them almost instantaneously. I have set up email accounts for my kids, but I make sure to supervise them. I also teach them to recognize spam and notify me of any suspicious e-mails they receive.”

Conference Calls: “Of course, email is no substitute for my children being able to hear their father’s voice, and to be able to recount stories of what happened at school that day. When you hear the term conference call, you probably immediately think of an office and a boring meeting. But I have a dedicated toll-free number that the kids can call  when they’re visiting their dad, without incurring long distance charges. What’s great about this, too, is that more family members can join in. We try to organize the entire family to get on a single call on important days like birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.”

Skype: “A conference call account is easy and convenient because all you need is a phone. But if you have a computer and webcam, you can also do video chats.”

We’d LOVE to hear from other long distance parents.

How do YOU stay in touch?

What advice can you offer other long distance parents?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of alfasilva)

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We know that some of you might scream when you read that headline — “No!!!” — but we also know that many of you get this one. We really appreciated the honest email we got recently from a single mom reader, and we respect her wishes to remain anonymous. She’s very eager to hear your advice.

On a recent weekend, this single mom — whom we’ll call “R” — invited her ex to town for their daughter’s dance recital. Yes,  she was hopeful when she told her ex that he could stay at her home, on the sofa.

More than two years have passed since they separated, and the split has been hard on both R. and her seven-year-old daughter. Her ex, however, has clearly moved,” she tells us. “But me? I can’t shake my desire to just want a family.”

After all, when her ex was at her home, he did much more than attend their daughter’s dance performance. He also “fixed things around the house, cooked for us, and took us out.”

“We just looked so perfect together,” she adds. “And I loved seeing how our daughter got to be treated like a Daddy’s girl.”

But after he left, R. felt a huge hole. “When he got home, I texted him and told him that I wished he loved me and wanted me the way I want him. But he just said I was making him feel terrible. I just want it to last forever. But clearly, he doesn’t love me that way and has to no interest in a relationship.”

This still smitten single mom asked us to reach out to you  with these questions:

“How do I stop loving him that way when we obviously have to deal with each other because of our daughter?”

“Is it easier to get over someone if you never have to see or hear from him?”

~~

(Photo courtesy of Daniel Forsell)

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This week, we’ve been honoring the *Dads* we adore through a series of Father’s Day guest posts. We do our best to keep it positive and upbeat here at Singlemommyhood. Yet, we’re also well aware that many of  you — including the two of us — haven’t had our kids’ fathers around to honor on  Father’s Day.

Maybe your ex also split town. Or perhaps he passed away. Maybe he visits sporadically and you haven’t heard from him in a while. We acknowledge that this day can also be painful for some of you… That’s why we’re here for YOU.

And that’s why were also grateful to the fathers out there who are such incredible *Dads*. We sincerely wish you a very Happy Father’s Day!!

Now, please welcome Travis from Culminating Life, where he writes about being the best *Dad* he can be — along with some posts about dating! He has four living children, two boys and two girls, between the ages of 11 and 18. And he is currently in a LDR with them.

~~~

I fell in love and got married when I was 19 years old to a single mother with one child. Yes, I’d jumped right into the deep end and became a father in one quick flash. And as a new father, I had much to prove.  I had to convince others that I was capable of doing this. There were many experts who doubted I could be a good father.

So, as a young man I began to think about the man that I wanted to be — not only for myself, but for my newly adopted child and future children. I needed my own dad early on, and I leaned greatly on him.

My father was the kind of man who hugged me and cried with me.  He told me how much he loved me. And he also disciplined in a unique way.  He used “natural consequences” — something I’ve since passed onto my children. Discipline never involved negative emotion or physical punishment. In fact, it was my father’s wisdom that fatherhood never consisted of punishment. Instead, his method of discipline involved teaching us how to respect others, and ourselves.

For example, the natural consequence to lying was that my father would openly question his trust in me, reminding me that I would have limitations in life if I was not trusted.  He also taught that work brought happiness for myself and others — and that the rewards of doing something for another were priceless. He cheered me when I succeeded, and lifted me up emotionally when I failed — as I learned my own consequences.

Since becoming a father, I’ve thought about how much I wanted to teach my children so that they can become productive members of society, and someday love their spouses and children. I have my own father to thank for passing this wisdom onto me. And, as a grandfather, I witness everyday his continual love for me and my children.

We’d LOVE to hear from other men who became *Dads* as very young men.

Did you also depend upon the example of your own father?

If not, who were your role models? Or did you rely simply on your own instincts?
~~~

(Photo courtesy of Steve Kay)

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Although our URL might suggest that we cater to moms — Singlemommyhood! — we have encouraged Dads to join in from Day One. Every day, fathers show up to write such genuine, honest (and practical!) comments on everything from Disneyland dads to Internet safety.  We are grateful.

That’s why, in honor of Father’s Day, we’ve invited a few Dad bloggers as guests this week. Please welcome a blogger some of you might already know: Canadian Bald Guy, aka Todd,  a “thirty-something” single dad of two who’s dating a single mother in a long-distance relationship.

~~~

My father is now in his 60s, and it’s only recently that I’ve come to appreciate what he has taught me. You see, my dad has never truly been able to express his feelings. In fact, he has never once told me that he was proud of me for anything. My insecurities and self-doubt issues all lead back to my upbringing — and to my father.

What I’ve come to realize recently, however, is that my father is the way that he is. He never learned how to show his feelings (and I’ve never told him how this affected me.) So, how can I possibly hold him accountable for him simply being himself?

Moreover, although he might not have the words to express his feelings, my father has always supported me. He has always been there for me when I needed him the most. This is why I love my father.

My father has also helped me become the kind of dad who does show his emotions to my two beautiful children. If I can combine my dad’s best qualities with lessons learned from his worst, then I should turn out to be a pretty decent dad myself.

I make sure they know every single day just how much I love them because I’m not ashamed to tell them. In fact, I will never be ashamed of displaying my emotions for them because I think it’s vitally important that they know how to do it themselves and hopefully they are able to pass that along to their children.

Photo of Canadian Bald Guy’s son with Grandpa!

~~~

Please tell us:

Did you also have a dad who was loving but not very demonstrative or talkative?

Or was your dad better able to express  in words his love and support for you?

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“Father’s Day is fast approaching. What do you suggest a solo parent say when the schools start making gifts/cards for dads?”

We understand. (As solo parents, we’ve both coped with Father’s Day in different ways.) So, we contacted this single mom — who asked to remain anonymous — to ask for more information about her particular parenting situation.

Here’s what she told us:

She has two children with different biological fathers. Her eight-year-old daughter’s father calls about once a month and he sees his daughter once or twice a year.  She has never had any real problems with Father’s Day because she knows her dad — and this mom makes an effort to call him on that day so she can talk to him.  Her four-year-old son, on the other hand, has never met his father because they broke up when she was pregnant. And he’s made no effort to stay in contact with his son.

This got us emotional. “Father’s Day has never been a part of my son’s life,” she tell us. “Until now. This week, both his preschool and daycare will make Father’s Day gifts.  I’m worried that my son is going to start asking about his Dad. And he’ll feel heartbroken when he realizes he has no one to whom he can give his Father’s Day gifts.”

Please offer this single mom some advice:

How should  she handle the inevitable Father’s Day gift-making when Dad has chosen to be absent from his child’s life?

~~~

Photo courtesy of Riccoh

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Here’s the story: This single dad is raising his third grader — and fifth grade son –  solo. Their mom is out of the picture by choice, and this father is doing his best to parent alone. (We understand).  So, the warmer weather is now here, and both kids need new spring and summer clothes.  Dad had no trouble outfitting his son.  But shopping with his daughter was a nightmare.

Dad did a bit of venting (this resonated with us):  “Shopping with a tween daughter is exhausting. You can’t imagine how many racks of clothes we looked through. My daughter did not like this … she did not like that.  We’re NOT on an unlimited time or money budget.”

So, this single dad finally insisted that his daughter find something in the store that she did like.  She immediately pulled a couple pair of (super) short-shorts. And that’s when his daughter said the word “sexy.”

We wish we could offer this single dad fool proof advice on how to handle tween girl clothing angst. We’ve both battled our tween daughters’ pleadings for clothes we felt were not age appropriate.  (And not always successfully.)

We both love fashion. And we love to shop.  But, the push to make tween girls dress like provocative women on the prowl frustrates us.  And these not age appropriate tween fashion trends are everywhere.

This single dad  is frankly baffled by tween fashion. And he could use some advice from other parents.  He’s also wondering if he missed an opportunity for important conversation when his daughter used the word *sexy*? After all, he does want her to feel free to talk to him about anything.

So, we’re asking you . . .

Can you relate to the tween clothing battles this single dad is facing?

How do you manage the conflict between what your daughter wants to wear — and what you feel is appropriate?

Should this concerned single dad try to find out what *sexy* means to his nine-year-daughter?

Or, should he just move onto the practical details of clothes shopping?

~~~~~~~

Thanks to Momversation for adding some common sense to this topic.

(Photo courtesy of  Valcuric)

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That’s exactly what this guy wrote this week in his comment at “Single guy (no kids) dating single mom.”

This single guy commented about the fact that he’s dating a divorced single mom.  Their relationship is humming right along. And he’s already met her young son. Their difficulties are with his family: they don’t approve of him dating a single mom. His mother is especially upset.

Apparently,  this single guy is not alone in facing this particular relationship problem.

Here’s what another single guy (no kids) wrote to us on the same topic: “I’m dating a woman who got tired of waiting for Mr. Right.  And she conceived her daughter using donor insemination. ”

This single guy is clearly smitten.  His words were touching. He admires her spunk, independence,  and devotion to her daughter. And he wants to be her “Mr. Right”.

Sounds like a fairy tale ending, right? Well, not quite.

Here’s the problem:

“My dad is like a lunatic about my relationship. I haven’t divulged exactly how my girlfriend conceived her child.  (It’s her story to tell.  And why is this anyone’s business?)”

“So, my Dad believes that relationships that aren’t ‘firsts’ are inevitably doomed to failure.  In his more rational moments, he cites divorce statistics on second and third marriages.”

This single guy loves and respects his family. And he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt his family or cause conflict.  But, he does not want to lose the woman about whom he feels so passionately.  He cannot imagine a life without her and her precious little girl.

We’re sure that some of you have LOTS of experience with family conflict about relationship choices.

So,  he’s coming to Singlemommyhood for help and advice:

Should this single guy simply accept his family’s objections and move on without her?

Are relationships doomed when families are dead set against them?

Or should this single guy hold on to this love hoping that his family will grow to love her? And to hell with his family’s backward thinking?

Please do share your personal experiences. Thanks!

~~~

Photo courtesy of dashingdipesh

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Because so many of you are co-parenting pros, we’re reaching out to you again. So, a single dad who comments here very often has come to us for some advice. Can you help? This father of two has been raising his kids alone for the past five years, ever since his ex told him “I want more from life” — and left.

Fortunately, both Mom and Dad have tried to get along for the kids’ sake. For the first few years, she paid  maintenance and child support. She also made an effort to see the kids often. (They had 50/50 custody up until she moved away last year.  The court order is still joint physical and legal custody.)

Last year, however, she got into financial trouble because she made some poor choices. She lost her job and stopped contributing to health insurance, day care, etc. Then, she announced that she was going to live with her parents — in another state — to get back on her feet.

“The kids are doing great,” this dad tells us, with well-earned pride. “I’ve managed to get them caught up on school work, in addition to my full time job and consulting gigs. I pay for everything, including sports teams, martial arts classes, dental and doctor bills. Basically, I cover everything except for her monthly trips to visit them.”

His ex visits once a month — for a weekend, when she has stayed at her foreclosed home — and the kids fly to see their mom during long school breaks. So, what’s the problem?

Well, his ex is coming to visit the kids for Mother’s Day. And she recently emailed him saying:

“Will you please let me stay on your couch for Mothers Day? It’s fine if you’re there — or not. I don’t think I can afford a hotel, and also pay for the kids’ summer plane tickets and their summer camp here. My parents pretty much kicked me out of their house, which, with first and last month’s rent, has left me so broke I can’t afford any of the above.”

This father was taken aback that his ex-wife was asking to stay at his home. (And his girlfriend isn’t too thrilled about the possible arrangement, either.) Especially since the kids report that Mom just bought a pricey Pomeranian and a new TV.

This father wants to do the right thing.  But he feels torn.

Should this single dad let his kids’ mom stay as a guest in his home?

Is his girlfriend wrong to object?

Do you see troubles down the road if his kids’ mother stays with him  — even temporarily?

~~~~

Photo courtesy of SM_R

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Once again, we’re turning to you for some co-parenting advice for a divorced mom. We’ve all coped with bed wetting in one form or another.  If you’ve dealt with bed wetting in two homes or just your own — maybe you’re in the thick of it now? — thanks for helping out on this one!

So, this mother’s son is in kindergarten — and he wets the bed.  The pediatrician ruled out any medical problems. This little guy is simply reaching the “dry at night” developmental milestone a bit later. It’s perfectly normal.

Confidently,  this single mom reports: “I’m really getting a handle on it. We’re having more and more dry nights in a row!”

This mom is proud of herself for setting up a routine that really works for her son:

Making sure her son uses the toilet before bed.

And giving him just a little cup of water before bed — instead of a big glass. And limiting night time snacks.

Then, a couple of hours after he goes to bed, she gets her sleepy son up to use the toilet. When he does have an accident, she’s careful to keep things matter of fact.  She keeps fresh PJs and extra bed linen handy, so everyone can get back quickly back to sleep.

So, what’s the problem?

“When he goes to his father’s house every weekend, all of my routines go out the window!” she says. “His dad insists on keeping him in Pull Ups at his house because he says that it’s easier. Aaaahh! He refuses to follow the routine that’s working! Or even just to limit fluids. Or to make sure our son uses the toilet before bed. And forget about waking him up to use the toilet after a few hours of sleep.”

You guessed it: when her son returns to her home on Monday, he’s wetting the bed again.

“I have to start all over, from square one,” she says. “I’ve tried to talk to my ex about what’s working for our son. I’ve suggested that he might try some of these things. But he seems to think that this routine is just another example of my need to control.  He thinks our son will eventually outgrow bed wetting so why get into all this hassle. Help!”

So, this mom and dad are at an impasse about how to handle their son’s bed wetting.

Please help by sharing your own parenting experiences:

Do you agree that the routines this single mom is putting in place are essential?

Or do you agree with Dad that his ex is creating hassle and unnecessary drama?

~~~~

Photo courtesy of garbagebabe 42

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The dads who comment at Singlemommyhood continue to amaze us.

So, when we got this recent note from a divorced mom of a tween, it was these great dads who came to mind.

For months now, this mom has been preparing to have the “period” talk with her 11-year-old daughter. She even went out and bought a revised version of the same book that HER mother had given her at that age: Period: A Girl’s Guide to Menstruation With a Parents Guide. She has also chatted with her mom friends about what might be the best time and place to bring up this sensitive topic without causing too much embarrassment.

Well, here’s what happened:

This mom planned a special mother-daughter evening that included a special dinner out and a movie together, with both of them snuggled up on the sofa. After the movie was over, the mother said, “Honey, I’ve been wanting to talk about some things with you–” She cleared her throat and brought the book out.

And guess what her daughter said, oh-so-casually? “Yeah, Dad already told me about all that stuff.”

“He did?” the mom said. “When?”

“A LONG time ago,” she said. “And he got me some tampons for his house, in case I get my period over there first.”

Did you see this mother’s mouth drop open?

Of course, this mom respects that her ex-husband had “the talk” — before she did. Well, sort of.

She’s also a bit annoyed. She wants to know: “I think my ex should have addressed this with ME first! We have a very civil relationship. Why didn’t he ever mention to me that he’d talked to our daughter about all of this?”

Yet we wonder: Maybe this mom is overreacting — and she should just feel grateful that her daughter has such an open, honest relationship with her father?

What do you think?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of Carrie Dee Handcrafted via Flickr)

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