You might already know the single mom who wrote to us this week to ask for some advice. Her name is Tiia and she blogs at Teacher Intl. Like us, she’s raising her daughter solo, without an ex.

“She is a good kid,” Tiia says about her 13-year-old daughter. “I feel fortunate that she doesn’t get in trouble at school or disobey rules at home — after all, she IS a teenager. We get along about as well as mother and daughter can hope, and we’re very close.”

So, here’s what has thrown this mother for a loop: “My daughter has been saying for about six months that she has a boyfriend. She seems way TOO young! How do other single parents handle this?”

For the record, her daughter and boyfriend never “actually GO anywhere except to the local bookstore when other kids are there. For the most part, they see each other at school, text, and chat on the computer. I know all of her friends, and they are all good kids. I have also met the ‘boyfriend,’ and he seems all right but very reserved and shy.”

It gets a bit more complicated: Although Tiia’s daughter has no contact with her father, she sees her grandmother (on her father’s side) — and Grandma completely disapproves of the boyfriend. “This makes the situation even more difficult for me to figure out! I’m not sure what a father might say?”

So, here’s what Tiia would love to know about from mothers and fathers. She asks:

Isn’t age 13 TOO young to have a boyfriend?

Or, maybe I’m overreacting? 

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This concern just might make it the No. 1 spot in our “Asked Most Often” category. MANY of you have emailed this question to us: “When is it okay for me to introduce my kids to meet someone I’m dating?” (And, yes, we’ve both asked ourselves this very same question!  We wish we had an easy answer.)

Most recently, we heard this question from a single mom and teacher. She has the summer off (yeah!), which gives her a bit of time to date. Not so fast: her daughter — who’s going into kindergarten in the fall — is with Mom all summer, too.

Moreover, this mom and her ex made a verbal agreement during their divorce four years ago: they’d wait at least three months to introduce their daughter to someone they’re dating AND they would inform each other beforehand about the plan. Unfortunately, her ex has already broken this promise. More than once.

This mom, however, is committed to keeping her dating and parenting lives separate until things get serious. She has been dating a man for two months now, and it’s going well. “He’ll come over to my place after my daughter is in bed,” she says, “and he leaves at midnight.”

But this mom wonders how long she can possibly keep this up: “What am I, Cinderella? This is not my real life. I wake up exhausted, and I need every extra ounce of energy for my daughter.”

So, she’s thinking about inviting her new *friend* to spend an afternoon with her daughter on an afternoon outing to the pool or playground.  “But I don’t know if I’m rushing things just because it’s summer,” this mom says. “I don’t have a lot of childcare options right now.”

Moreover, if things are going to get serious with this guy, she DOES want to see how he gets along with her daughter.

This  single  mom with a *friend* is eager to hear what you have to say:

Do you think it’s wise for the single mom to introduce her *friend* casually to her daughter now?

What do you say to your kids when you introduce them to a *friend*?

Have you found that summer does cause relationships to heat up just a bit faster?

~~

Image from Matchstick

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If there’s one thing that Dr. Leah loves to remind me, it’s this: kids grow up fast! Do you know what she means? Before we know it, our children are in high school (some of you are there already!). And then, they’re off to whatever their next step might be … college, job training, the military?

(We’d LOVE to hear about your kids’ plans. )

And what about YOU? Maybe you’re finally paying your bills without too much stress.  You’re getting more satisfaction and recognition at work.  You have a great group of  friends…. and, maybe, (we hope!) you’ve gotten a *life* while adeptly juggling your kid responsibilities. (Didn’t we tell you a lock on your bedroom door was a terrific idea?)  

More than that, you love the fact that you get to call the shots. When your friends ask  “So, what’s next?” you know that they mean: Are you going to get re-married?

Believe it or not, you tell them, I love my independence. Besides, your clock is not ticking, thank you very much — and your sex life is sizzling hot (or not, but you’re confident this “dry spell” will soon end)…  What you want to say this: “There is NO  ‘next.’ ”

Your life is perfect, just the way it is.

If you also LOVE your independence, let’s hear from you on Independence Day. We’d love to know …

Are you a happily independent single parent?

If so, what part of this independence do you especially treasure?

(Photo courtesy of iheartfood666)

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This is exactly the question that Kate, pictured above,  a fellow blogger and valued neighbor @Singlemommyhood, asked this week. Here’s what’s going on:

A few months ago, Kate was out of town for work when she met up with some friends in the evening. It was a rare night out to herself and she was having a great time when a nice-looking guy started to chat with her. “I ended up giving my number to this guy, who was also from out of town. He was really cute, and I was pleasantly surprised when he texted me!”

“We’ve actually kept in touch, just a quick text message here and there to see if our work/travel plans will cross paths. I have family in the city that he’s from, so I hinted that I’d love to grab dinner or a drink with him the next time I’m in town.”

So, what’s the problem? “I don’t think he knows I have a son,” she says. “I’m not at all embarrassed about my single mom status, and it’s usually the first thing I tell a guy when he shows interest in me. It’s also not generally something I have to worry about telling people because I live in a really small town and everyone already knows.”

Up until now, most of their conversations have been via text. “I haven’t held off from mentioning my son because I’m afraid of what he’ll think,” she explains.” I just don’t know if I throw it in a text — or wait until we actually meet to tell him.”

So, thanks for helping Kate out. She wonders: Should she give this guy the head’s up about her single mom status before they meet?… Or wait?

She’d appreciate any advice you might have. If you’re dating, do you always tell the guy that you’re a single mom — right off the bat?… Or, do you wait?

Is there an ideal way on a date to bring up the fact that you’re a single mom?

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At least a few times a month, we get emails from guys who are dating single moms. Most of them don’t have kids and they’re writing to us because they want some advice from single moms. That’s exactly why we turn to you… Because who gets single moms better than single moms themselves?

“Our love affair started off like a whirlwind,” writes this 37-year-old man in his email to us. “I have never felt this way about anyone in my life and I thought I’d finally found The One.”

He met this single mom of two kids one year ago, but they didn’t officially started to date until three months ago. This was after her “emotionally painful divorce” had been finalized, and he told her he’d been interested in her for a long time. He only met her daughter once, by chance, and he never met her son. “I didn’t want to complicate things by bringing in the kids early on,” he explained, “and she agreed this was a good idea.”

He went on to say that she seemed very “fragile” and he did his best to boost her self-confidence. He adored her and often complimented her and took her out for fun, romantic dates. One time, however, he forgot to tell her how beautiful she looked on their date, “and she was very angry about this. After this happened, I felt I was walking on egg shells.”

So, what’s the problem? A couple of months into their new relationship, he “took a business trip to Europe. As soon as I left, it was like she emotionally checked out. We never recovered from that. She said she started ‘thinking’ and everything changed. I still do not know what she was ‘thinking.’ ”

He pleaded for her to tell him what changed, but she was shut down. “I continued to text her once a day, to let her know that I was thinking about her, but on the third day, she said I was stressing her out  and that she didn’t have time to respond to my texts. I missed her so much, and I tried to tell her that. All I received in return was silence.”

The only recent “conversation” they had were a couple of emails back and forth. “I put the world on my back for her,” he said. “Why would she turn away?”

Clearly, this guy is in a lot of pain. “Any insight would be helpful!” he wrote to us. He wonders if  this single mom is simply scared — and with a bit of time and trust, they can work things out. But he also wonders if he’s just being naive?

He said that he’d love to hear from other single moms:

He wonder if he should he lick his wounds and move on? Or, perhaps he should wait it out and see if she opens up….?

Photo by Luciano

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Not so fast. “I want him to be happy,” this single mom says. “But I just feel weird about because he has been so secretive with both the kids and me about the fact that he’s getting married again!”

She and her ex-husband got divorced five years ago, after seven years of marriage. They have two children and a fairly amicable co-parenting relationship. Although the kids have spent quite a bit of time with his new girlfriend, Dad has never really talked to them about his new relationship. His girlfriend has just been there. In fact, the kids found out that their dad was getting married simply by overhearing a conversation!

“He never bothered to talk to our kids about anything that was going on in his life,” this mom says. “Then, they’d come back home to me and ask what what was going on with their dad. How do I know?”

“It’s great that he’s moving on with his life,” she adds, “but I wish he’d let our kids know what was going on.” To make matters even more sensitive, one of the kids said to their mom recently, “We heard Dad saying that we’re going to be in the wedding ceremony. And I think he said something about inviting you, too.”

What??? This single mom is not sure what to do:

Should she ask her ex to have a one-on-one chat to discuss his wedding plans — since they do co-parent?  After all,  marriage will bring lots of changes to the kids’ lives.

Or, should she acknowledge the “weirdness” she feels (and the curiosity) … and wait until her ex shares the wedding plans with her?

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Here’s what this single mom told us: “Our marriage was in a sad state. I’d asked for some time and space. Well, he went to a lawyer and three months later … we’re divorced. We signed the final divorce papers three weeks ago. What really hurts is this: I found out from our kids — two boys who are 9 and 17 — that my ex spent his very first parenting time weekend with his girlfriend there the entire time.  This was one week after the divorce papers were signed.”

The situation grew more upsetting and painful when this single mom found out last week that her ex took their sons AND the girlfriend out of state to visit his dying sister, and then to her funeral.  Her ex keeps insisting that he only started dating his girlfriend only after they separated. She doesn’t want to put her kids in the middle (We’re glad. Their kids are upset, too). But her feelings of hurt and betrayal are hard to shake.

This single mom has asked her ex to please spend some time alone with their sons, before bringing in another woman so soon. Trying to give her ex some perspective, she talked to him about how he would feel if she took the boys somewhere with another man. He seemed to understand and accept that all of them needed time to adjust.But, when his sister grew ill and passed away, his so-called agreement about not involving the girlfriend with their boys just evaporated.

So, here’s what’s troubling this newly single mom:

Is it important for her to know the truth about when this relationship really began?… Or is it best just to try to let it go?

Is there any point in asking her ex (again) not to involve the girlfriend with their kids so soon?….Or is it just too late?

Thank you for your help!

~~~

(Photo courtesy of M Car)

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That’s exactly what this guy wrote this week in his comment at “Single guy (no kids) dating single mom.”

This single guy commented about the fact that he’s dating a divorced single mom.  Their relationship is humming right along. And he’s already met her young son. Their difficulties are with his family: they don’t approve of him dating a single mom. His mother is especially upset.

Apparently,  this single guy is not alone in facing this particular relationship problem.

Here’s what another single guy (no kids) wrote to us on the same topic: “I’m dating a woman who got tired of waiting for Mr. Right.  And she conceived her daughter using donor insemination. ”

This single guy is clearly smitten.  His words were touching. He admires her spunk, independence,  and devotion to her daughter. And he wants to be her “Mr. Right”.

Sounds like a fairy tale ending, right? Well, not quite.

Here’s the problem:

“My dad is like a lunatic about my relationship. I haven’t divulged exactly how my girlfriend conceived her child.  (It’s her story to tell.  And why is this anyone’s business?)”

“So, my Dad believes that relationships that aren’t ‘firsts’ are inevitably doomed to failure.  In his more rational moments, he cites divorce statistics on second and third marriages.”

This single guy loves and respects his family. And he doesn’t want to do anything to hurt his family or cause conflict.  But, he does not want to lose the woman about whom he feels so passionately.  He cannot imagine a life without her and her precious little girl.

We’re sure that some of you have LOTS of experience with family conflict about relationship choices.

So,  he’s coming to Singlemommyhood for help and advice:

Should this single guy simply accept his family’s objections and move on without her?

Are relationships doomed when families are dead set against them?

Or should this single guy hold on to this love hoping that his family will grow to love her? And to hell with his family’s backward thinking?

Please do share your personal experiences. Thanks!

~~~

Photo courtesy of dashingdipesh

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We all agree that dating is for grown-ups. And we all know that *romance* for single parents is often a complicated juggling act. Things get even more complicated if your kids insist on turning your bed into the family activity center. Or maybe your kids have just decided that they prefer sleeping in your bed.

One of the things we love about our readers is how incredibly honest you’ve been about your parenting choices — and how they have influenced your personal lives. We’ve learned so much for you. Thank you.

So, when we heard from a single dad with a 13-year-old son and an eight-year-old daughter — who says that he’s getting ready to bolt from a promising romantic relationship with a single mom — we knew right away that we had to get your perspective on this daunting relationship dilemma.

Here’s what this single dad told us:

“My girlfriend thinks it’s wrong for us to sleep together in the same house when the children are there.”

“But I think this is a normal part of a caring adult relationship. And it should not be hidden from the children.”

At least they are talking about their feelings about grown-up sleep-overs.

Yet, here’s what they are NOT talking about:

This single mom’s 10-year-old daughter sleeps in her bed every night. From the single dad’s perspective, this little girl has her mother right where she wants her. He sees this family bed arrangement — which this little girl vigorously demands — as manipulative nonsense. This single mom makes no attempt to change their sleeping arrangements. And she refuses to talk about this parenting choice with him.

Apparently, there are other *issues*, too. This single mom has been a solo parent since her daughter was born. And she’s fiercely independent. She holds strongly to her parenting beliefs, and seems very stubborn about changing them.

This single dad is grappling with a couple of tough questions. And needs your help.

Should this single dad hang in there and hope that with time — and trust — he and his girlfriend will come to a compromise about the sleep issue?

Or, is sleeping with her daughter really a signal from this single mom that there’s literally no room for him in her life?

Or, maybe these these sleeping arrangements are *normal* and just another relationship challenge they need to figure out?

~~~~

(Photo courtesy of Mary Moses via Flickr)

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When we recently read this very popular post at Frisky about whether or not you’d date someone who takes antidepressants, we got curious. You’ve been very open here about everything from smoking secretly to getting a tattoo.

Some of you, no doubt, are very wary about dating someone who takes medications regularly. And some of you might take a certain medication regularly — say, antidepressants, or anti-anxiety drugs — so this question might really hit home.

The very honest writer of the Frisky post — Leonora Epstein — openly explains that:

“As someone who has been on antidepressants for more than half of my life, I’ve dealt with this confrontation on several occasions. Some of the men I’ve dated have appeared to not care, or just didn’t feel like delving into the emotional side of why (that’s fine—not like I enjoy explaining these things). Others have suddenly looked at me differently, as if the confident, charismatic woman I am didn’t come from within, but from a pill.”

As Leonora points out, there’s only so long that someone can try to hide the fact that he/she takes medications. Sooner or later, you’re going to find out, right? Yet being honest and straightforward with someone you’ve recently started to date can take can result in any number of responses:

From understanding and empathy that leads to a deep trust….To a major freak-out that creates a wall between you to.

Please know that we make no judgments here. We’d love to know how — both mothers and fathers — you feel.

If you’d recently started to date someone, and he/she opened up and told you about taking medications, how would you respond?

Maybe you’ve already faced this dilemma already. What did you say or do?

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