When we talked about “no show” co-parents, you enthusiastically agreed that a Plan B was essential. You told us that relying on a parent who routinely disappoints — by breaking promises — is a BIG mistake. We heard you loud and clear. After all, having alternate plans is a great way to limit kid disappointment and inevitable meltdowns.

We’ve received lots of emails from many of you, updating us on how you’re handling this sensitive co-parenting dilemma. When we got this particular note, however, we felt strongly that this issue needed to be shared with YOU … the real experts.

Here’s what a single mom with a two-year old daughter told us:

Last weekend, her daughter’s dad failed to show up on Sunday. For the record, her daughter was the product of a brief fling. This mother never had a genuine relationship with her child’s father. Their custody and child support agreement was worked out by their respective attorneys. His involvement with their child has always been limited.

Apparently, Dad flew in for the weekend to see his daughter, whom he had not seen in almost a year. On Saturday, he spent a couple of hours with his daughter accompanied by a “friend”.  Early Sunday morning, he just sent a text saying something unexpected had come up.

We agree with this single mom’s assessment: “My daughter is almost two, so she doesn’t understand all of this yet. But, she will soon.”

This single mom is grappling with some tough issues: the Plan B idea is appealing, but she worries that a parent who repeatedly breaks promises creates a distrustful and unhappy child. She does want her daughter to have a relationship with her father.

Yet it’s impossible to escape this fact: this Dad has not contacted his daughter since he skipped his Sunday parenting time. And his text made it clear that he has no plans to see his daughter for at least another year.  This is not a long distance co-parenting situation. At best, this little girl will see her father once a year for an afternoon. Perhaps, when she’s older, Dad may have a change of heart. But, for now,  she hears little to nothing from him.

Here’s what’s tugging at this single mom’s heart:

Should she try to *force* a father/daughter relationship by encouraging more parenting time?

Or should she just accept that Dad only wants a quick yearly visit?

Can sporadic contact with an emotionally distant  parent potentially do more harm than good?

If so, would it be best for her daughter to have no contact whatsoever with Dad?

~~

(Photo courtesy of ajleday21)

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If there’s one quality we love about our readers it’s this: your honesty

So, when we checked out this site called Safer Dates, we liked what we saw. The founders — most of whom have backgrounds in martial arts and self-defense — have made it their mission to empower women to date online safely. In addition to posting advice about how to date safely, the site offers background checks to screen for felonies, misdemeanors, sex offender status, and marital status. (To which we say, “Wow!”)

Dating itself can be challenging, but when you’re dating as a single parent, the stakes are even higher. That’s why we’re hoping to kick off a conversation about red flags with a contest.  Please leave a comment to answer the following question:

What is your #1 red flag?

Just off the top of your head, let’s hear ‘em!

The winner will receive FIVE background checks free to be used within one year (a $100 value)!

And you don’t have to use the background checks for dating only. You can also screen a potential baby sitter or nanny, housekeeper, handyman, your financial adviser, your daughter’s date, your son’s latest bad influence, an employee….This individual will be screened through national databases for the following:

• Marriage Records
• Sex Offender Status
• Felonies
• Misdemeanors

All you need is his/her full name (first and last) and birthday. If you have a social security number and address that would be optimal, but it is not a requirement.

~~~

This contest is open until midnight PST on July 30th. We’ll pick one winner by Random.org.

(This post has been sponsored because we value this company’s goals — this business has paid a fee to have their work listed here.)

~~~

(Photo courtesy of rvx)

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When we wrote about how to deal with an absent parent, you had A LOT to say. One single mom in particular reached out to us to ask about her inconsistent ex. We know that many of you relate to this issue.

After all, when your ex is absent sometimes — but then comes around other times — how do you explain this to your child?

This mother has a five-year-old daughter, and a few years ago, her ex moved three states away to go back to school. Since then, he has shown only sporadic interest in his child.  Sometimes he sends child support, sometimes he doesn’t. His calls and visits have been unpredictable, too. This summer, however, he has made some effort to stay in contact with his daughter: he has called once a week, and he invited her to visit last month.

But this mom worries that once the summer is over, her ex might bail again. “It’s been almost a month since she saw last him, and we have plans for her to visit once more before school starts at least (she starts kindergarten this fall!),” says this mom. “But lately, she has been asking questions, like “When’s daddy coming to get me again?” or  “Why doesn’t Daddy call me?”

For now, she tells her daughter that “Daddy is busy with school” or “He’s working a lot and and hasn’t been able to call.”

“My ex is very aware, though, that if he starts slipping again I won’t put up with it,” she adds. “But I’m still not sure what I’ll say to my daughter if it comes to that, and I’m sincerely hoping it doesn’t. But history shows that he makes an effort for a couple of months, and then drops off again. ”

She wants to know: “If he does stop calling or visiting, I just don’t know how to explain to my daughter why — thanks for helping me out!”

When we asked you to tell us  “Do you tell the kids the truth?” — about how you explain your ex’s behavior to your kids, whether it’s legal problems or substance abuse — you responded so generously.

So, we’re hoping you’ll help out this single mom . . .

Should this single mom stop making up excuses for this dad’s inconsistent behavior?

If so, what do you suggest this single mom say in response to her child’s “Daddy questions”?

If you deal with an inconsistent ex,  we’d be honored to hear from you.

~~~

(Photo courtesy of themcubbins)

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This concern just might make it the No. 1 spot in our “Asked Most Often” category. MANY of you have emailed this question to us: “When is it okay for me to introduce my kids to meet someone I’m dating?” (And, yes, we’ve both asked ourselves this very same question!  We wish we had an easy answer.)

Most recently, we heard this question from a single mom and teacher. She has the summer off (yeah!), which gives her a bit of time to date. Not so fast: her daughter — who’s going into kindergarten in the fall — is with Mom all summer, too.

Moreover, this mom and her ex made a verbal agreement during their divorce four years ago: they’d wait at least three months to introduce their daughter to someone they’re dating AND they would inform each other beforehand about the plan. Unfortunately, her ex has already broken this promise. More than once.

This mom, however, is committed to keeping her dating and parenting lives separate until things get serious. She has been dating a man for two months now, and it’s going well. “He’ll come over to my place after my daughter is in bed,” she says, “and he leaves at midnight.”

But this mom wonders how long she can possibly keep this up: “What am I, Cinderella? This is not my real life. I wake up exhausted, and I need every extra ounce of energy for my daughter.”

So, she’s thinking about inviting her new *friend* to spend an afternoon with her daughter on an afternoon outing to the pool or playground.  “But I don’t know if I’m rushing things just because it’s summer,” this mom says. “I don’t have a lot of childcare options right now.”

Moreover, if things are going to get serious with this guy, she DOES want to see how he gets along with her daughter.

This  single  mom with a *friend* is eager to hear what you have to say:

Do you think it’s wise for the single mom to introduce her *friend* casually to her daughter now?

What do you say to your kids when you introduce them to a *friend*?

Have you found that summer does cause relationships to heat up just a bit faster?

~~

Image from Matchstick

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The *ideal* situation in which co-parents live in the same community often isn’t reality.  New relationships, shifting career opportunities, and other BIG changes often mean that co-parents need to get creative about how to communicate and keep those all important kid ties.

We know that many of you are in that boat. So you already know … working together as long distance co-parents to keep close ties with your kids  is a challenge.

~~~

That’s exactly what Caitlin, single mom of two young kids told us recently. Like so many of you, she’s doing her best to help a long distance co-parenting dad maintain close tie with his kids.

Five years ago, Caitlin moved from Arizona to Florida for a new job. Her kids’ father remained in Arizona. “We agreed that we would keep communication and access to the children as open as possible,” she says.

“They spend a month each summer with their father, and we occasionally make shorter trips throughout the year. But with computers and phones we’ve been able to stay in touch quite easily, and we’re communicating in some way nearly every day. It really helps it seem like Dad isn’t so far away.”

Here’s how Caitlin encourages her kids to stay in touch with their dad:

E-mail: “It’s easy to sit down and type out a few lines to let your child know you’re thinking of them, and have it reach them almost instantaneously. I have set up email accounts for my kids, but I make sure to supervise them. I also teach them to recognize spam and notify me of any suspicious e-mails they receive.”

Conference Calls: “Of course, email is no substitute for my children being able to hear their father’s voice, and to be able to recount stories of what happened at school that day. When you hear the term conference call, you probably immediately think of an office and a boring meeting. But I have a dedicated toll-free number that the kids can call  when they’re visiting their dad, without incurring long distance charges. What’s great about this, too, is that more family members can join in. We try to organize the entire family to get on a single call on important days like birthdays, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.”

Skype: “A conference call account is easy and convenient because all you need is a phone. But if you have a computer and webcam, you can also do video chats.”

We’d LOVE to hear from other long distance parents.

How do YOU stay in touch?

What advice can you offer other long distance parents?

~~~

(Photo courtesy of alfasilva)

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If there’s one thing that Dr. Leah loves to remind me, it’s this: kids grow up fast! Do you know what she means? Before we know it, our children are in high school (some of you are there already!). And then, they’re off to whatever their next step might be … college, job training, the military?

(We’d LOVE to hear about your kids’ plans. )

And what about YOU? Maybe you’re finally paying your bills without too much stress.  You’re getting more satisfaction and recognition at work.  You have a great group of  friends…. and, maybe, (we hope!) you’ve gotten a *life* while adeptly juggling your kid responsibilities. (Didn’t we tell you a lock on your bedroom door was a terrific idea?)  

More than that, you love the fact that you get to call the shots. When your friends ask  “So, what’s next?” you know that they mean: Are you going to get re-married?

Believe it or not, you tell them, I love my independence. Besides, your clock is not ticking, thank you very much — and your sex life is sizzling hot (or not, but you’re confident this “dry spell” will soon end)…  What you want to say this: “There is NO  ‘next.’ ”

Your life is perfect, just the way it is.

If you also LOVE your independence, let’s hear from you on Independence Day. We’d love to know …

Are you a happily independent single parent?

If so, what part of this independence do you especially treasure?

(Photo courtesy of iheartfood666)

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We know that some of you might scream when you read that headline — “No!!!” — but we also know that many of you get this one. We really appreciated the honest email we got recently from a single mom reader, and we respect her wishes to remain anonymous. She’s very eager to hear your advice.

On a recent weekend, this single mom — whom we’ll call “R” — invited her ex to town for their daughter’s dance recital. Yes,  she was hopeful when she told her ex that he could stay at her home, on the sofa.

More than two years have passed since they separated, and the split has been hard on both R. and her seven-year-old daughter. Her ex, however, has clearly moved,” she tells us. “But me? I can’t shake my desire to just want a family.”

After all, when her ex was at her home, he did much more than attend their daughter’s dance performance. He also “fixed things around the house, cooked for us, and took us out.”

“We just looked so perfect together,” she adds. “And I loved seeing how our daughter got to be treated like a Daddy’s girl.”

But after he left, R. felt a huge hole. “When he got home, I texted him and told him that I wished he loved me and wanted me the way I want him. But he just said I was making him feel terrible. I just want it to last forever. But clearly, he doesn’t love me that way and has to no interest in a relationship.”

This still smitten single mom asked us to reach out to you  with these questions:

“How do I stop loving him that way when we obviously have to deal with each other because of our daughter?”

“Is it easier to get over someone if you never have to see or hear from him?”

~~

(Photo courtesy of Daniel Forsell)

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Many of you write about how complicated things can get when you — or your ex — gets remarried. And that’s exactly why this single mom of a seven-year-old son wrote to us this month.

Here’s what this single mom told us.

So, when this single mom was pregnant, they broke up. Her husband left her for another woman. Unbelievably, the first time this single mom met her husband’s new girlfriend was in the delivery room! “They were stitching me up and she walked in and asked if she could hold the baby,” she recalls. “I hadn’t even held him yet!”

Her ex and his new wife have since moved to the other side of the country, and they have two kids together (one of whom is only a year younger than her son). Fortunately, her ex pays child support — and covers the annual trip for their son to visit him. This is where things get complicated: her ex’s new wife challenges almost every parenting decision this single mom makes.

For example, when this single mom’s son asked to play rugby — and his father was very supportive of this — she signed her son up. But his new wife called the following week, saying that rugby was too dangerous. She was very angry, and said this boy should be pulled off the team.

This single mom is proud to have a well-paying job that supports herself and her son. She’s grateful that her ex doesn’t shirk his child support obligations.  Still, his second wife will email regularly to ask specific questions about how this single mom is using child support payments. One time, his new wife even said, “I think you should sign away your custodial rights so I can be the mother.”

We can’t help but wonder what’s going on emotionally with the new wife.  Surely she had to know that her husband’s relationship with his ex is  forever, thanks to the son they have together.

This single mom would love to have a smooth co-parenting relationship with her ex. But how?

This single mom needs YOU to help her figure out what to do  …

What’s really behind these angry calls and off the wall comments from the new wife?

Should she discuss this situation with her ex or just try to handle it on her own?

Is it possible that her ex knows all about his new wife’s antics?

…

CUT… My son is 7

he met her when I was 7 months pregnant and she moved provinces to be with him when I was 9 months along….the first time I met her was when she walked into  my delivery room as they finished stiching me up asking to hold my baby….I hadn’t even held him yet!

they now have 2 children together one is 6 as she got “accidentally” pregnant when our son was 6 months old the other is 1 now….and they live on the other side of the country.  she now thinks I should give up my support or pay half the cost for my son to go out and visit them….when I was told when they moved that it was what is best for his family.  that and the support papyment will help in the purchase of a trailer to camp with as they baby could not go camping if all they have is a tent.

I was asked to give up my current daycare that I love…for one that costs less because they are tired of paying so much

I got harrassed when I bought a new couch and tv with my tax return as I was accused of using the child support to buy these things….I work a full time job giving me a very good salary

and they would like me to sign off giving her custodial rights to my son as well, cause she is his parent too…

I am not sure there is a sane way to deal with crazy people……in the last 7 years this is just the tip of the crazy iceberg I deal with

but if you think you can help

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This is exactly the question that Kate, pictured above,  a fellow blogger and valued neighbor @Singlemommyhood, asked this week. Here’s what’s going on:

A few months ago, Kate was out of town for work when she met up with some friends in the evening. It was a rare night out to herself and she was having a great time when a nice-looking guy started to chat with her. “I ended up giving my number to this guy, who was also from out of town. He was really cute, and I was pleasantly surprised when he texted me!”

“We’ve actually kept in touch, just a quick text message here and there to see if our work/travel plans will cross paths. I have family in the city that he’s from, so I hinted that I’d love to grab dinner or a drink with him the next time I’m in town.”

So, what’s the problem? “I don’t think he knows I have a son,” she says. “I’m not at all embarrassed about my single mom status, and it’s usually the first thing I tell a guy when he shows interest in me. It’s also not generally something I have to worry about telling people because I live in a really small town and everyone already knows.”

Up until now, most of their conversations have been via text. “I haven’t held off from mentioning my son because I’m afraid of what he’ll think,” she explains.” I just don’t know if I throw it in a text — or wait until we actually meet to tell him.”

So, thanks for helping Kate out. She wonders: Should she give this guy the head’s up about her single mom status before they meet?… Or wait?

She’d appreciate any advice you might have. If you’re dating, do you always tell the guy that you’re a single mom — right off the bat?… Or, do you wait?

Is there an ideal way on a date to bring up the fact that you’re a single mom?

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Thank you so much for trusting us at Singlemommyhood with your most troubling relationship issues. We’ve listen as you told us that you’re breaking up when you’re pregnant – or soon after giving birth. We know this has marked one of the most difficult moments in your life. Your stories are powerful.

So, when we received this email last week,  it was clear that this single woman was reaching out to YOU as she struggled to make a very important life decision. Here’s what the single mom told us:

“My son is four years old. He has never met his father because I never told the man I got pregnant.”

Apparently, this single mom did not know she was pregnant until she was well into her second trimester. Complicated medical issues had initially masked the pregnancy. So, she was pregnant when they broke up, but she did not know she was pregnant. After they broke up, this former boyfriend went out of his way to damage her career. (They both work in the same industry, but he’s far more “high profile.”)

This single mom grew terrified of his vindictive behavior. When they were dating, she was aware that he took medication. But that was not a relationship deal breaker at the time. Yet as he grew more paranoid and began to stalk her, she knew the relationship had to end. And this is what led her to conclude — reluctantly — that she did not want the biological father to have any role in her child’s life.

Of course, her son has begun to ask the “Daddy questions” now that he’s enrolled in preschool. So far, he seems content with her short answers, and many of his classmates have “real life” families, too.  This single mom and her son live a peaceful life, and she cherishes the blessing of her sweet son. Still, this single mom wonders…

Is keeping the identity of the biological father a secret the right decision?

Or does every man have the absolute right to know that he’s a father?

~~~

And speaking of fathers ... You’ll want to read at Boston Globe about a dad who wants a relationship with his son:

Columnist Barbara Metlz interviews Dr. Leah, “my go-to person on this subject,” for right-on advice on this single parent issue, and more!

~~~

(Photo courtesy of Rickz)

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